The E3 Retrospectapalooza

[melmer]

I predict fucking video games

Ooooh I hope sony do their indie segment again and this year sees Jake, Sean and Chris taking to the stage to announce firewatch, coming exclusively to the sony playstation entertainment system registered trademark. God I would love that so much! But they won't because they're BORING! Seriously, they can be like "we'll just pay some shit heads to port the game after it's released on PC, phone up some sony shit head and promise exclusive console shit head, and BOOM a butch of idle thumb shit heads on the shit E3 head stage. I mean, COME ON, ITS MOTHER FUCKING E3

Wait, I feel like I've strayed from my point. Remember when they showed Assinssins Creed 2 at E3 and it was like WHAO HOLY FUCK YOU CAN NOW STAB TWO GUY IN THE FACE SIMULTANEOUSLY GOTY

I predict ante upping. I predict.... I predict. Ah who am I kidding, I don't care, I've a

Ready got everything I ever wanted, to SIMULTANEOUSLY STAB TWO UNWITTING FUCKS IN THE FACE

I'm going to bed

[tegan]

Ooooh I hope sony do their indie segment again and this year sees Jake, Sean and Chris taking to the stage to announce firewatch, coming exclusively to the sony playstation entertainment system registered trademark.

I hope that by this you mean the first Playstation and not the PS4 or Vita, because that would be amazing.

 

… but not in the UK.

Man, you guys still have it better than Canada. I still think it's hilarious and stupid that the Wii U comes with TVii installed in Canada even though it does literally nothing.

[dartmonkey]

What I'd like:

 

Big new Nintendo game (new IP)

Last Guardian
New Valve game.
Microsoft to stop saying 'choice'.

 

 

What we'll get:

 

Halo 5 takes Titanfall's place from last year.

Destiny.

Devs demoing their Kinect games enthusiastically while weeping inside.

Disney Infinity+1 No Backsies.

New Star Wars project teasers.

Batman.

Superman.

Smash Bros.

Wii U colours.

Year of Birdo.

[tegan]

*it's the last five minutes of the E3 Nintendo Direct; a trailer has just ended and the camera fades in on Reggie standing in the white Nintendo Direct room*

 

"Well, that's nearly everything we have for you today. I hope you've all had a great E3. We here at Nintendo are all looking forward to an exciting year of Wii U, 3DS and 2DS; and I know that all of you watching at home feel the same. But before we go, we have one last big announcement that we've saved just for this special occasion.
As you've seen here today, Nintendo is all about the fans. And there's one name that we here at Nintendo have been listening to fans ask for for a long time now. So at this E3 we'd like to show you, for the first time ever, an all-new game in a beloved series coming next year, exclusively for Wii U. I'm pleased to announce...

 

METROID PRIME

 

...PINBALL 2."

[Frenetic Pony]

Nintendo will not be year of anything. It will be a millennia, the millennia of Waluigi. Tausendjährigen Reich von Waluigi, Heil Heil Heil!

 

Oh and you guys are totally right! Sony will have this huge indie thing where indie devs get to be onstage for like 1 minute and say "my game is coming to the PS4!" Games that are "coming to the PS4!" Firewatch, Pillars of Eternity, Wasteland 2, Divinity: Original Sin, The Forest, A Story About My Uncle.

 

Other triple A games showing up: Shadow of Mordor, Arkham Knight (World Exlusive!!! Pew pew pew). Oddly enough exactly no games besides Nintendo's will actually be announced E3, as they will all have been announced before but next to nothing shown or talked about until E3/

[Roderick]

The glorious return of the MSX

[tegan]

The Year of Baby Luigi.

[pabosher]

I predict that I will be 100% less interested in the Sony presser due to the sad lack of Jack Tretton.

[Roderick]

 

Doritos and the Tretton Mic Drop, what a year it was last year

[Zaarin]

It's about time we get to see more of Cyberpunk 2077. It's been over a year since the last update on their website.

[Nachimir]

The Year of Baby Luigi.

 

Hah

 

I'm rooting for a Strategy Chocolate relaunch.

[BadHat]

Games?! Pah, forget that noise, I watch E3 for the hilarious fuck ups. Hoping for at least a couple of the following:

 

- A game being "played" on stage siezes up in an obviously non-real time way. Bonus points if the VLC progress bar appears at the bottom of the screen.

 

- More kids demoing products with insincere enthusiasm. The Kinect has already been done to death, why not have them demo the Rift? One of them gets carried away with the routine and walks clear off the stage.

 

- More stiff suits making awkward banter while playing a versus game. Hoping to one-up last year's infamous rapey joke, one of them remarks that he just "holocausted the shit" out of someone.

 

- Ubisoft, having tapped the well of annoying presenters, rigs a hologram of Jar Jar Binks to present all of their games. He is somehow 100% more racist than he already was in the prequels.

 

- Konami does another press conference. Please, oh pretty please.

[clyde]

I have to admit that the crowd-shot of the Sony press-conference keynote thing last year, where you can see Hip-Hop Gamer standing and holding up the championship-belt was far more enjoyable for me than I would think it would be.

[SGP]

There will be an entire press conference about The Last Guardian being cancelled again.

 

NO

 

The Last Guardian will come

 

I've had it pre-ordered in Amazon since the announced it...

[mikemariano]

[elmuerte]

When is E3?

[Polish Hill]

I look forward to Nintendo trying to pass off their near field game as original.

 

Sony will probably come up with a snark filled video or off the cuff barb that gets at Microsoft requiring the Kinect as the huge blunder it is.

 

Microsoft airs their 30 second Halo 5 video with no real gameplay footage. (Although why announce it if there was going to be any kind of suprise?)

 

Even though I don't see anything Oculus related happening I would really enjoy a live demo during a keynote that ends in the demonstrator ripping off the machine and violently vomiting onto the stage.

[melmer]

When is E3?

Mon 9th June is when the conferences is on (I checked earlier as I'm on a stag do that weekend I thought I might miss it all)

Uk time: Microsoft at 5:30pm then EA and ubisoft, Sony ends up being at like 2am in the morning. Nintendo is on the Tuesday (but I never watch that as it's boring as all shit)

I might not bother watching any of them this year and just catch all the trailers the next day.

[BigJKO]

Nintendo is on the Tuesday (but I never watch that as it's boring as all shit)

As opposed to the other exciting, cool cool presentations??

[Justin Leego]

[melmer]

No you're right, they're all boring. I just know I'll never play anything Nintendo show. I haven't even played skyward sword. If you had said to me ten years ago that a console zelda game will come out and I'll just let it pass me by I wouldn't have believed you. But it has and I did. Nintendo is official dead to me :sadface: did bayonetta 2 ever come out?

Are they going to announce a WiiU without the stupid tablet controller for dirt cheap and new metriod game?

I watched this at work a couple weeks ago and I was trying not to laugh so much that I squealed like a pig

[Twig]

To be perfectly honest, Nintendo's cheestastic presentations are infinitely more interesting to me than either Sony's or Microsoft's. None of them are good, but at least Nintendo's realized this and now rolls with the punches instead of still trying to be cool.

[BigJKO]

To be perfectly honest, Nintendo's cheestastic presentations are infinitely more interesting to me than either Sony's or Microsoft's. None of them are good, but at least Nintendo's realized this and now rolls with the punches instead of still trying to be cool.

This!

[axemtitanium]

Phil Fish announces (and there are even odds that he cancels) Fez 3 at Horizon.

 

It will probably be rendered Fez 三.

[syntheticgerbil]

Games?! Pah, forget that noise, I watch E3 for the hilarious fuck ups. Hoping for at least a couple of the following:

 

- A game being "played" on stage siezes up in an obviously non-real time way. Bonus points if the VLC progress bar appears at the bottom of the screen.

Please tell me there is an actual video of someone doing this.