tegan

The E3 Retrospectapalooza

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So E3 time is almost here, and that means it's time to start making insane predictions with no point. Maybe it's because I haven't been paying as much attention to video game news or maybe it's just because everyone already blew their proverbial load last year, but I can't actually think of enough stuff to do my traditional E3 bingo card. Oh well. Here's some scattershot stuff:

 

  • the Vita finally gets a proper price drop in the west, or Sony finally confirms plans to bring the Vita TV over here.
  • Now that's it's optional, the XBox One Kinect is quietly swept under the rug and we see nothing on display at Microsoft that includes the Kinect in any meaningful way.
  • free space: something malfunctions horribly during a live demonstration, Ubisoft has an irritating and embarassing presenter, EA gets either a musician or an athlete to appear onstage and demo a game that they clearly have no interest in, Nintendo attempts to force something to become an internet meme
  • Nintendo Figurine Platform will debut with the release of the new Pokémon remakes, with the 3DS accessory serving as a pack-in with the physical releases of the games. Upcoming compatible titles will be teased.
  • some other big Wii U thing revealed since Mario Kart will be out by then and Nintendo can't coast on Smash hype for much longer. New Metroid? Please?
  • surprise reveal of a new entry in a series everyone thought was dead. Bonus points if it's a series nobody actually cares about.
  • Majora's Mask 3D

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Less a prediction, and more a hope that Sony reveals whatever Project Beast is.

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Miyazaki on stage during Sony's press conference.

That's just my hope and not really a prediction

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Sega returns to the console business and announces the Sega Saturn 2! And it is available to buy now.

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I expect to see lots of trailers for games we won't be able to play for several years.

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Oculus reveals their launch date and line-up. It includes a teaser for Half-Life 3 that has no date, is not grouped with the launch-titles, but does mention that it was designed to be an Oculus Rift experience.

 

Dragon Age Inquisition will show very well, probably receiving multiple Game of Show awards.

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Microsoft: 

 

Phil Spencer enters stage left, sweaty and doing his best Ballmer impression Exclusives exclusives exclusives exclusives! Exclusives exclusives exclusives exclusives! EXCLUSIVES EXCLUSIVES EXCLUSIVES EXCLUSIVES! C'MOOOOON!

 

Forza Horizons 2, Fable Legends, Quantum Break, Sunset Overdrive, Kinectimals 2, and Halo 5 are all shown. Kinect parts are really, really awkward.

 

Sony:

 

Kaz Hirai: Video Games! Huge optimistic smile.

 

Mostly third party games are shown. There will be a huge onstage Destiny live demo. Then, finally, we will see The Last Guardian... again. There will be a stage demo of their VR thing, with a projector showing the "players" 3d view. It will be super, super awkward. At the end of the conference there will be a teaser for Uncharted 4 with an at most vague release date.

 

Nintendo:

 

We released Mario Kart. Isn't that cool? It's Mario Kart People! Look, Super Smash Bros. LOOK AT THE SMASH BROS!!! *Bows

 

Other stuff: Lots more "OMG WORLD EXCLUSIVE!" shit than were used to in the past years, will feel like a decade ago when E3 was actually big.

 

Far Cry 4: Definitely. Assassin's Creed Unity: Definitely. Dishonored 2: Already confirmed. Sims 4: Will actually get to learn what the game is like. Dragon Age Inquistion: First actually public demo of gameplay. Mass Effect (lets not call it a sequel): Probably not. Rockstar: Does not do E3. Fallout 4: Outside possibility. Doom (4?): Definitely possible. Beast (Souls thingy): Definitely possible. Resident Evil 7: Possible. New and disappointing Silent Hill: Possible. Assassin's Creed, Last Gen: Possible.

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Far Cry 4: Definitely. Assassin's Creed Unity: Definitely. Dishonored 2: Already confirmed. Sims 4: Will actually get to learn what the game is like. Dragon Age Inquistion: First actually public demo of gameplay. Mass Effect (lets not call it a sequel): Probably not. Rockstar: Does not do E3. Fallout 4: Outside possibility. Doom (4?): Definitely possible. Beast (Souls thingy): Definitely possible. Resident Evil 7: Possible. New and disappointing Silent Hill: Possible. Assassin's Creed, Last Gen: Possible.

I want to believe that all of those titles conform to the ubiquitous "Property Name: Subtitle" format. 

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Looking forward to playing Dishonored 2: Already Confirmed. It's set in the priesthood!

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I hope the Ouya guys rent a space in the parking spot again, and I hope that once again the ESA rents a couple of big trucks to just park in front of them so that no one can see them.

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I also hope that Nintendo announces that they're delaying the releases of more Wii U "launch window" titles like they did last year.

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Oddworld Inhabitants/JAW announce the release date for their remake of Abe's Oddysee. Fans get their knickers in a twist about the price and minor changes that no-one else would possibly notice.

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Any best guesses for presentation buzzwords? I'll go for

 

Microsoft: Choice

Sony: Players

Nintendo: Magic

Ubisoft: Awesome

Electronic Arts: Impact

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Access to HBO Go (or some other high profile TV thing) with PS+ Account on PS4 and Vita.

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