Life

[Patrick R]

I think offering a supporting ear and empathy is always good but there always have to be boundaries, especially with that age gap. Not saying that he's a shitty 14 year old boy but as someone who was once a shitty 14 year old boy on the internet, I know how shitty 14 year old boys on the internet can be, in terms of unchecked emotions and infatuations and such. 

 

I don't think there are any strong practical approaches you personally can take to stop his bullying but you can always offer advice and support and let him know that it gets better and all that.

[Dewar]

Why should anyone have to tough out being tormented day in and out?

 

Sarcastic Answer: Because we all have to put up with bullshit all the time, so best learn how early.

 

Real Answer: Because you can't stop it from happening. See GG

[Apple Cider]

I'm one of those sensitive types who believes it's in our best interest to try and be supportive of people who are being bullied, if we have the means to do so. Letting people tough it out when we can help them is kinda cruel. Yes, the world is a harsh place, but um, why do we let it end there when we can work to make people's lives better? Oh man, we are all going to die so we might as well let life be as hard as possible in the interrim. How nihilistic. 

[Dewar]

Yeah, the logical part of me understands that it doesn't have to be that way, certainly. I also know that I have a lack of perspective on the issue. At the same time, kids getting in trouble for calling other kids names is stupid. There is a line between physically/mentally damaging and "kids will be kids;" it's a tough line to track.

 

I guess I ended up pretty nihilistic from my experiences, but I feel like enduring that crap has been useful in my later life where I just don't put up with that anymore, period.

[Twig]

I guess I ended up pretty nihilistic from my experiences, but I feel like enduring that crap has been useful in my later life where I just don't put up with that anymore, period.

This is kind of where I struggle with it, too. On the one hand I fully believe no one should have to suffer. But on the other hand, my suffering definitely made me stronger. But on the other other hand, I had no real friends from 3rd grade when my best friend (who was also frequently bullied) was expelled from school for bringing a steak knife to cut an apple (or, at least, that's what I was told, there may have been other circumstances), all the way up to sophomore year of high school when I finally opened up again...

[Gormongous]

I think offering a supporting ear and empathy is always good but there always have to be boundaries, especially with that age gap. Not saying that he's a shitty 14 year old boy but as someone who was once a shitty 14 year old boy on the internet, I know how shitty 14 year old boys on the internet can be, in terms of unchecked emotions and infatuations and such. 

 

I don't think there are any strong practical approaches you personally can take to stop his bullying but you can always offer advice and support and let him know that it gets better and all that.

 

I don't have much experience with kids younger than their mid-teens, but this is the best advice, I think. Be there for him, if you're comfortable with it, but make sure you're not becoming a surrogate for an entire circle of real-life friends. There's nothing more concrete you can (or should) do to stop the bullying, anyway, so it's best just to give him some of the strength to weather it.

[Thrik]

Having also been bullied, while I agree that it has almost certainly made me a much stronger person with skills in various areas far more developed than many of my peers due to my time spent working on them as a kid and teenager, it's also had lasting effects on my confidence and ability to truly connect with people. I also most definitely did not enjoy feeling ostracised and victimised for 5-10 years.

So while to a certain extent we must accept that bullying has been around throughout history and isn't going away any time soon, that doesn't mean that we should basically just leave victims to it and expect them to get through those years. They need support, love, kindness, and reassurance that one day things will be better. Sadly, many young people don't receive this, and as a result they end up either extremely psychologically damaged or dead.

[tberton]

Yeah, bullying sucks. I was bullied a fair bit as a kid, and while "toughing it out" did, I think, make me a stronger person, I also think it gave me a lot of asshole-ish habits that still linger. Looking back at when I was around sixteen, when the bullying had mostly stopped but the memories were still very fresh, I definitely treated several people very poorly doing what, in retrospect, was pretty much what was done to me.

 

As for this kid, N1njaSquirrel, offering a sympathetic ear is really all you can do. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to stopping bullying, so just do what you think is best in the situation. He thinks he doesn't have friends, so be one.

 

However, it's important to remember that he kind of just fell into your life, so don't let things get too personal. Also, if the topic comes up, maybe help him think about resources he can lean on that are closer to home. There's only so much a random Internet person can do.

[miffy495]

So help me out here guys.

 

About 2-3 weeks ago, some random guy added me on PSN. I didn't think much of it until he invited me to a chat party, where it became very apparent he wasn't from the IT forums. Turns out he was a 14 year old kid from the South of London. Which was weird, but also hilarious as he's so naive about everything. 

 

What wasn't so hilarious is that it's pretty apparent from talking to him that he's being bullied at school. He even said to me 'I don't have any friends at school apart from x, so all I have is you guys on the internet'.

 

So here's the crux of the matter: Should I do anything about this bullying? Is there anything I can do, or should I just be a sympathetic ear to this kid? I've also been subject to a fair amount of bullying in my life, so I know how crappy it can be, and would like to help if I can.

 

I am also very aware that I'm 11 years his senior, and anything I try to do might come off as me being anything but a concerned friend. 

 

Am I gonna be the only one to say tell him about this place? If he's looking for a community of people, you're already part of one. I signed up when I was 16. It's been 11 years and I'm still here and this place was where I did a lot of growing up. I'm sure we'd be a reasonably sympathetic bunch for a kid who's going through shit, and it can't hurt to have someone join up with a community that ISN'T full of racism/sexism/homophobia rather than fall into one that is. Maybe it's the fact that this kid is exactly the type that I work with, but I'm all for inviting a kid who needs some people to listen to come and be listened to.

[Mawd]

Concerning the meta-discussion:

Plenty of ways to become strong. Don't need to become isolated, bullied, or abused to get there.

I've shared in outrage in the GG and Feminism threads but this is the first time I've read something on this forum that has made me feel angry. As someone who was isolated by popular bullies in primary school, who was living with bullies for years in boarding (high) school, who was raised by a father who justified abusive and terrible behaviour because he was moulding me to become as 'strong' as he was, as someone who spent years flushing cruel mixed messages out of his system. Fuck anyone who treats bullying like its a good thing in the end. Destroying someone's identity in order to 'improve' them is good? Fuck that noise. That's something bullies say to each other, that's something victims say to themselves so they can rebuild their self worth. "Harden the fuck up" "Shit rolls down the hill" "Take a concrete pill" "Five years from now you'll thank me" "Stop treating this like its such a big deal" "I'm doing this for your own good" "If you can't take the shit I'm giving you how do you expect to survive life?" Fuck that.

 

There's a difference from high school horseshit and bullying. I'll trust that N1njaSquirrel can tell that it's being crossed and if someone's being broken by the behaviour. 

 

Personally after knowing a lot of isolated people going through shit in their teens I would say that calling some sort of hotline would be a great help for him as a way of equipping himself to directly deal with the problem. 
Other than that I'd say that you should just help to be part of a safe space for the kid. Sometimes people don't need to say everything on their mind to feel better they just need good healthy interactions with people. I think Miffy's idea would also be great in that case. 

[Merus]

Has anyone mentioned talking to the school?

 

Because I reckon the school would be rather interested if a random stranger called them out of the blue and started asking pointed questions about their anti-bullying initiatives.

 

I was bullied at school, but because I'm defective and didn't really respond satisfyingly, my bullies had to either step up or give up. One of my bullies stalked the school all day, and his efforts to make me pay for antagonising him led to the school calling the cops. Another one got her family to throw pig bladders at me while I was riding home from school.

 

The other one I remember did neither, and it took about a month for me to ask my mum what was going on with the guy who kept getting in my way while I was riding to school. She followed me the next day, and once I got past the bully and he was alone, she pounced. He didn't bother me after that. 

[N1njaSquirrel]

Thanks for all the comments guys!

 

I shall lend a sympathetic ear, and I'll try and see if there's anyone close to him that he can talk to. It sounds like he's living in a decent household, but whether he's spoken to his parents about it, I don't know. I'll also tell him about these forums.

 

I did consider phoning the school Merus, but I worry that that might be crossing a line. I think he's mentioned his school a couple of times too, so I could probably find it pretty easily. I also wonder how much attention a school would give regarding anonymous phone calls, and whether it'll just come out as creepy.

 

As for me, I personally didn't think my bullying helped at all. It certainly didn't make me feel stronger, but it did make me like the things I still like today (namely comedy and video games). I specifically remember finding Monty Python in those years, which helped a lot.

 

I also feel that school bullying is a lot different than GG. Namely that school bullying has no rhyme or reason as to why they're being picked on. For me it was because I had a mole, and that my surname rhymed with 'gay'. Hilarious. The bullies for GG believe in some misguided cause. Which is much worse.

[osmosisch]

I'm sorry but I have trouble believing that being bullied actually made you stronger. I'm willing to believe that you internalised this message to make the experience less awful though. And I believe you're strong people in may ways. But to my knowledge the vast majority of demonstrated bullying effects are extremely negative.

Stuff like this.

As far as I'm concerned the only thing cruelty teaches is how to be cruel.

[SuperBiasedMan]

Saying that there's a growing up aspect to bullying is a subtle form of victim blaming and really only works in retrospect given that you have survived it relatively unscathed while others have not. It's as if the only narrative that exists is a TV one where you find inner strength and overcome the obstacle in the end without any lasting effects. Instead there are people who commit suicide from overwhelming bullying, and the fault of this is squarely with the bullies and not the people who didn't learn to become stronger.

[Twig]

To be clear, I never said bullying had an overall positive effect on my life. Far from it. I only said that it made me stronger. And it definitely did. I think it's totally legitimate to say that without also meaning that you're better off for it.

[osmosisch]

To be clear, I never said bullying had an overall positive effect on my life. Far from it. I only said that it made me stronger. And it definitely did. I think it's totally legitimate to say that without also meaning that you're better off for it.

I think most people would interpret stronger as better (just ask Daft Punk) so that's an important clarification to make.

[Twig]

Yeah haha that's definitely true I guess. U:

[Apple Cider]

Developing a thicker skin came as a side effect but I would have liked to have the years of my life back that got stolen by some of the harder things I've had to live through. Sorry, I get really fanatical about kids having psychological support - I was in and out of therapy for a long time because I was so angry because of bullying.

[Badfinger]

Well coooool I impressed this girl so much that five seconds into the second date she informs me that she's moving to another state!!!

Exciting!!!

Welp.

 

I know you know it doesn't have anything to do with you, but I'm still going to put it in writing that the reason she's moving doesn't have anything to do with you. Don't let it get you down. I had this happen to me a few dates in years ago, and we both said "well, I wonder what it'd be like if (she) wasn't moving..." C'est la vie

 

 

Ninjasquirrel, have you directly asked if there's anything you can do? Chances are a 14 year old isn't going to say yes but even just putting it out there that you're an ally could be helpful.

 

I probably should have been in therapy for some of the things that have happened in my life, but I was too stubborn/young/ignorant/male to do it.

[Twig]

I'm not down, just annoyed.

 

I don't really like the whole dating thing.

[Badfinger]

If you tried to do something to intervene when someone was causing harm to themselves and they don't know, would you ever tell them? Would it matter how close to them you are?

[N1njaSquirrel]

I don't understand why she'd even initiate the date in the first place if she knew she was moving. All feels rather pointless on both ends :/

 

 

Ninjasquirrel, have you directly asked if there's anything you can do? Chances are a 14 year old isn't going to say yes but even just putting it out there that you're an ally could be helpful.

 

I haven't, actually. I also haven't been able to talk to him since I first posted this problem, but that's just because I haven't had a lot of time on the ps4 as of late. Hopefully I'll be able to catch him online tonight and I'll see.

[Thrik]

I don't understand why she'd even initiate the date in the first place if she knew she was moving. All feels rather pointless on both ends :/

 

 

 

I haven't, actually. I also haven't been able to talk to him since I first posted this problem, but that's just because I haven't had a lot of time on the ps4 as of late. Hopefully I'll be able to catch him online tonight and I'll see.

 

Looking for action?  Unless it's an unnecessarily elaborate made-up excuse for breaking things off.

[Badfinger]

People like to meet other people and seek companionship, even if it's brief.

[Twig]

Well to be fair she accepted the new position after we had already set up the date, so it's not like she knew for sure. I don't hold it against her or anything, it's just annoying.

Also it's the second time since I started looking (across a large number of three different people!!) where I felt like the first date was great and then the second one I felt like what do we even have top talk about. Even ignoring the new job. I'm such a terrible conversationalist...