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Thanks for the recommendations. I'm feeling a bit better after a few days. I thought about going to a therapist. A few years ago I actually did find one I liked, but they thought I had no reason to keep going and I only went once. But now it seems they have moved and I don't remember the name and didn't feel like searching for a new one again. So maybe I'll wait it out a bit and if it gets worse again I'll try going to another therapist.

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Well, I got over it actually in a few days/weeks and didn't go to see a therapist.

 

Lately I've been getting a strong feeling that an era has ended (mostly for me personally).

 

My grandma died and even if we weren't super close lately, and I should have spent more time with her than I did, it still gave me an overwhelming feeling that the world is now irreversibly different.

 

Then there's also that I turned 40 just last year.

 

Then there are several things that have been happening over the past few years.

 

I'm no longer hanging out with some friends from childhood at all. We've just grown apart and some spend all their time with work/family. I also had a break-up with a friend who turned out to be an asshole, I think I wrote about it here when it happened. I have made some new friends, thankfully.

 

In my digital life, I'm no longer enjoying computer games as much as I used to. When I play some longer games now I have a nagging feeling that I should be doing something else. Then there are these Idle Thumbs forums here, which don't feel active at all any more and I'm not sure that Slack can fully replace forums for me. Also I rarely listen to the podcasts now when I don't play games much. I'm not sure that I'll ever find another place like this used to be, though.

 

Also now a server that we set up at university in 1997 or so is being closed down and I might lose the e-mail address from there. I've mostly migrated my e-mails away already, though. But I like, still have all those e-mails in a locally running Mozilla Thunderbird, while for other stuff I've used GMail since that's been available.

 

To add to that I'm developing a different attitude to work because I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to. If it wasn't for financial obligations I've managed to create, maybe I would quit IT and try to work in film. But I know it's probably super hard from what I've heard, especially in a place like Estonia where we don't have a big film industry. I've also been thinking if at some point I should have after all seriously tried to become a game programmer instead of working on business software and dev tools. But I think by now game programming (at least when it comes to graphics) has evolved into such complexities that I'm way too behind to consider that again.

 

And a decade also ended (or will end in a year, depending how you count). There's also the political changes in the world... things that were unthinkable 10 years ago seem almost normal now. But on the other hand things have also improved in many ways, there also seems to be a lot more acceptance of people who were ignored before.

 

So yeah, feeling kind of nostalgic and sad right now, but hopeful.

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Hey Erkki, thanks for sharing all that. Your feelings are eerily similar to where I'm at right now.

 

It feels like so much has changed in just a couple short years and lately I find myself wondering what I'm ultimately trying to accomplish in life. I'm at a point where it's clear that despite reaching most of my life goals and making some important changes in my life, I haven't reached a greater plain of happiness and find myself looking back fondly on the good old days when I had less responsibility and less life clutter.

 

It's funny to think of how much time I've spent looking back at the past fondly, looking towards the future eagerly, and not fully appreciating where I'm at in the moment. Working hard to fix that but Jesus Christ it's hard to stop myself from falling victim to my own internal narrative.

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Mid-life crisis buddies high five :)

 

I think it's a shame that this concept has mostly been treated as a source of comedy (getting fast cars and upgrading your wife) instead of talking about the deep existential dread and awareness of mortality that underlies it. At a certain point you (or at least I) realise that you've completely lost sight of what you're doing thing for. I'd tell you the solution if I had one.

 

Anyway, fuck slack, yay forums.

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Man, I wish I had the solution too. But I know enough now to know that I don't know shit.

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I've been feeling the stress a lot more than usual lately.  On top of the normal horrors that exist in the current social/political landscape, my home life is in a state of flux right now.  My daughter is 3.5 years old and she's entered her "NO" phase where she doesn't want to do anything but run around and scream her head off.  That in itself isn't a huge issue, except for the fact that my son is due to be born in a month so we've been trying to get the house baby ready again.  Not to mention this Wuhan virus is preventing my in-laws from coming over to help out like they did when my daughter was born.  They're fine and not in any immediate danger but the travel restrictions mean they're going to be stuck in China for the foreseeable future. 

 

Life has such shitty timing.

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That is some particularly bad timing @SecretAsianMan, sorry to hear. As frustrating as those different childhood phases can be and as desperate as you end up feeling when you are sleep deprived and overworked and wondering when you'll ever get a break again, I always thought it was pretty damn cool to see just how much you are truly capable of when you are solely responsible for guiding a little life towards adulthood. That shit is terrifying when you actually stop to think about it!

 

Hang in there man, and cherish every second. They really do grow up way too freaking fast!

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