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Yeah, Cine. I know there are reasons for feeling how you feel and doing what you do, but you're a part of this community and you're all really important to us. Don't be a stranger, okay?

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Glad you made it to the other side of that event Cine, depression is the worst. Sounds silly but have you ever tried anything like melatonin for the sleep issues? Lack of sleep does not help with stuff like this.

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i wanted to type this somewhere other than twitter idk if its because there is an gross inherent part of me that wants people to feel bad for me or some shit or i just cant stop thinking about this shit right now. sorry if this shit is too much of a downer so i'll just keep this quick. trigger warning for suicide and depression

 

last Wednesday i tried to take my life, and fortunately, my mom convinced me out of it and i didn't feel safe with myself that day, and i decided to go to the hospital to take mental health treatment where i stayed for 5 or so days i think (time has gotten somewhat foggy). i co-habitated with other patients who had schizophrenia and other mental illnesses, all trying to find some. my main goal was sleep, as i hadn't had a good sleep in the past 6 years, specially in the past 2 weeks (literally slept 6 hours two weeks ago and hadn't slept for 24 hours the day i almost committed suicide). thankfully, i got sleep, long needed sleep and help and rehabilitation, as well as prescriptions for pills that helped me go through those days in the hospital.

 

one of the biggest worries i had was school, as per usual, and now that this has happened...idk if i can continue in school. i'm already doing terribly academically as last year, and i'm here from reinstated probation, meaning i failed both semesters last year and got expelled but i told the dean of students that i had depression and got reinstated, but ya, doing poorly. not sure if i should work this out still, despite the fact i'll probably most certainly fail, or leave school for the semester to gain back my mental health. I want to do the latter but need more info on how that'll work in my situation as being reinstated and still in probation. would like to hear any suggestions from ya'll older wiser folks

 

but yeah, that's what's happened i guess. thanks to the people who i know from here and twitter who offered good wishes and support today. <3

 

and if you're in the same spot as me, please, you are seriously not alone. i know any motherfucker out there says that same cliched shit all the time, but goddamn, it is true. you are not alone and you can pull through, trust me. 

Hey man, I'm so happy you're doing better.

 

I've been done this road many at times--depression and lack of sleep--and I've tried to kill myself twice. Once was hanging, but the thing I was hanging on broke and I fell on my ass; I had a good laugh after that. Second was pills, but as I waited, I decided against it, threw up and went to the ER. 

 

I battle with melancholia, internalized-racism, and tangs of gender dysphoria almost everyday, and I'm always surprised when I feel happy or just neutral because I almost never feel that.  Every now and then I get heavily depressed and suicidal. Those feelings were grew whenever I had friends killed themselves. As of lately I've learn to incorporate these feelings to my daily life. I've also gotten help and every now and then take a few Xanax--low doses--to calm myself down. It's hard as shit though, but I have a safety net--therapy, loving parents and friends--that can help me back up when i fall down.

 

don't give up hope and my heart goes out to you.

Actually, I've thought of going to a mental health treatment center after this semester was done. But I decided against it and go to Cincinnati to see my parents and hopefully calm down there.

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Just wanted to say thanks to those here talking about their depression or history of it. Until recently I had not realised just how common it is, and that I've probably known many people with depression who have managed to disguise it because it's not a binary 'either you're completely fine or you've got depression and you sit in a dark room crying for a year non-stop'. So thanks for raising my awareness of it; hopefully it's also helpful for others with depression to see that other people are going through or have been through it too...

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Just wanted to say thanks to those here talking about their depression or history of it. Until recently I had not realised just how common it is, and that I've probably known many people with depression who have managed to disguise it because it's not a binary 'either you're completely fine or you've got depression and you sit in a dark room crying for a year non-stop'. So thanks for raising my awareness of it; hopefully it's also helpful for others with depression to see that other people are going through or have been through it too...

 

Yeah, I second this. Because of what people have shared in this thread, I started doubting my general apathy, not realising it could also be a sign of depression, and started working on making more positive decisions in my life.

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"either you're completely fine or you've got depression and you sit in a dark room crying for a year non-stop'. 

 

I absolutely hate that. I'm feeling some of the depression symptoms I had before creeping up on me at the moment. For me it displays itself as a disinterest in things I love and a constant feeling of tiredness. I think it's been triggered by a major failing at work - a project I've been working on for 2 years is basically shit, and probably going to get canned. Can't help blaming myself even though my boss keeps telling me it's not my fault. 

 

I've been focussing on the positives, but I've lost my enthusiasm for my job, and with my contract ending in a year, I need it back so I can make at least some progress and get an extension on that. Enough of my moaning...

 

To Cine: sorry to hear about that, your troubles are far worse than mine and I'm glad you're still here. It really puts things in perspective to hear things like that.

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I have two job interviews today. They're the closest in a long while to the career path I'd like to be on, and one is a gigantic opportunity to move forward.

 

HERE WE GO.

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I have two job interviews today. They're the closest in a long while to the career path I'd like to be on, and one is a gigantic opportunity to move forward.

 

HERE WE GO.

I'd say good luck but you don't need it! RIGHT?!

 

(good luck)

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Thank you! I'd rather be good, but I'm happy to accept luck.

 

I'm not usually very nervous about interviews. Maybe I should be?!

 

I'm somewhat nervous about this next interview. I want this job. I want it very badly.

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I've been feeling somewhat elated for the past few days, as if something great is about to happen. I was a bit ill for over a week and besides playing video games, it gave me a chance to get out of the routine. Even when I had a brief vacation this summer, I was still going to all my regular workouts (yoga, dancing, football), so still following part of my weekly schedule, but now I was totally just at home and not having any obligations. It was great and helped me realize just how reliant on routine I had become. My job has necessarily become more routine as we become bigger and more and more professional about developing our products, but I gotta find any chance I can to get out of that and do something unexpected. Thankfully I'm senior enough that I can get away with that pretty often. Last month also marked 4 years at my current job, which is the longest I've held any. I really like it, but at the same time I'm realizing that I wouldn't be very sad if I had to find a new one soon. I still want to work there for a year or two at least, but I kind of get bored of seeing the same people over and over again every day (is that a negative or neutral quality?).

 

Something else pretty cool also happened this weekend, but I'm still not comfortable about discussing very personal stuff on the internet, maybe due to being from such a small country where "everyone knows everyone". Anyway, it left me feeling kind of hopeful about things, and even though I'm already 35, I feel as if I was still in my early twenties at the same time. I just have a feeling like anything could happen and whatever it is, it would be awesome.

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I went to a boxing gym for the first time today! They were handing out flyers by where I'm temping to advertise that you could come in and get a personal training/show you how all this works session for free, so I went ahead and did it.

It was so much fun and really exhilarating (and I felt super cool???) but I'm afraid I might not be able to move tomorrow. Running did not prepare my arms for this.

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So my interview lasted for over two hours. I met with 3 people, and then the decision maker told me another department head wanted to know if I'd be willing to speak with him about a potential position as well. Thus, I ended up speaking to two department heads and impromptu interviewing for a second position. I was told by the first decision maker that the second had asked to speak to me after seeing my resume, and he was extending the opportunity if I was interested. He couched this by saying he still had, as he put it, right of first refusal on the decision to hire if they both wanted me. I don't know if that's extremely good or extremely worrying. No one mentioned any outstanding flaws (that they were willing to reveal) when I pressed them, and they're certainly jobs I know I can do. I had what felt like both strong interview points, and amiable interactions in general. I felt positive overall, but I've done so much interviewing in the past few months over the phone and occasionally in person that I am losing a sense of how I actually fared.

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The trick with interviewing is that you do not have complete information on how you did. You can interview well, but someone they also interviewed might be a better fit, and there was nothing wrong with you particularly.

 

That said, that sounds like a fantastic sign, particularly if the second position hasn't been advertised.

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I went to a boxing gym for the first time today! They were handing out flyers by where I'm temping to advertise that you could come in and get a personal training/show you how all this works session for free, so I went ahead and did it.

It was so much fun and really exhilarating (and I felt super cool???) but I'm afraid I might not be able to move tomorrow. Running did not prepare my arms for this.

 

I tried pad boxing with a buddy a couple of months ago. We never tried again. SO tiring, but by far the most fun form of cardio I've ever done.

 

Fuck the real thing though, I don't want to get hurt, leave it to the real wo/men like Danielle. 

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You know how every job has "that one guy"? I discovered that guy really early on with this job I just recently got. Now for the most part, while his antics have disrupted work, in general I've been able to shrug it off.

 

Tonight, he literally sat on the floor, laughing while we were wrapping up one last project before leaving. He refused to help.

 

I was so goddamn livid. I bought a bunch of food on impulse, sushi included, to chill out. It is working.

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What do your coworkers make of him? Is he only doing that sort of thing when people with the power to fire his ass aren't around?

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You know how every job has "that one guy"? I discovered that guy really early on with this job I just recently got. Now for the most part, while his antics have disrupted work, in general I've been able to shrug it off.

 

Tonight, he literally sat on the floor, laughing while we were wrapping up one last project before leaving. He refused to help.

 

I was so goddamn livid. I bought a bunch of food on impulse, sushi included, to chill out. It is working.

When I started reading this, I thought it was going to have a twist revelation: you are that guy!!!

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Got a message offering a potentially long running freelance gig doing pixel art on a game.

Who says you can't expect jobs to just fall into your lap?*

 

 

* After first creating an online presence, portfolio and a proven track record.

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Must say that my week has been fairly good.

Had an interview with a company that got back to me and said they were interested, as well as my first date in my life.

 

Even so, my self esteem won't quite accept that I might not be as shit as it has long been convinced.

I think I will really need to keep this week in mind for the future, try an use it as a base for improving my view of myself.

Here's hoping it doesn't all turn to ashes this week :P

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What do your coworkers make of him? Is he only doing that sort of thing when people with the power to fire his ass aren't around?

They all agree with my view of his work ethic, just not as strongly. I think they're more used to him than I am. Which is fine.

 

Tonight though he got a reaction from me. I arrived and found he was in my department, having been the one working there for the day shift. So when I enter the lab I found that everything was a mess and several pieces of equipment were broken, one of which he broke RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME when I asked for a demonstration of how to do something (since he's not an actual lab employee). I asked him to leave the lab at that point and he refused to go, so I ended up yelling at him in front of customers. Not that I was embarrassed or ashamed of that. He literally cost the company money, and me a bunch of time.

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My fourth HDMI port inexplicably started working tonight after four years of bupkis. I only found out because I was setting up my new box for CEC control and had to change inputs to go into my TV's menu. I always keep my completely unused Fibreop TV receiver hooked up to the buster port so I can just switch the cables out if I ever need it. If it weren't for the extremely annoying fact that it always displays a screensaver when not in use, I never even would have noticed. My TV was a display model when I got it and that port has never worked, so this is an unexpected surprise. This means I won't have to choose what to disconnect when I eventually get a PS4! Yaaaay!

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