Jump to content
gdf

Life

Recommended Posts

All sounds very familiar to me too. I've reached a point now where I am doing enough activities where I meet lots of people... but yeah they often end up being acquaintances. On the other hand I have a massive circle of acquaintances now, sometimes seems like I know half the city, which can be cool (although it may be one reason why I have itchy feet to move somewhere new).

Another problem I have is that despite meeting lots of women, I have some kind of mental block between chatting and being friendly and actually making any kind of romantic advance. I can treat an attractive girl as a coworker or equivalent but not as an object of desire - precisely the opposite of the stereotypical male problem. Flirting or telling a girl I like her feels like an admission of guilt*. I blame being brought up with strong feminist values - I'm as ill-equipped to deal with post-feminism as traditional men were with plain feminism.

But that's me. Keep up the effort, I'm sure it will pay off eventually!

*I did actually finally ask a girl our a couple of months ago though - she was so special that I knew I would hate myself if I didn't. She said yes! We had a date planned! Then she met someone else...

This, pretty much explains part of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Another problem I have is that despite meeting lots of women, I have some kind of mental block between chatting and being friendly and actually making any kind of romantic advance. I can treat an attractive girl as a coworker or equivalent but not as an object of desire - precisely the opposite of the stereotypical male problem. Flirting or telling a girl I like her feels like an admission of guilt*. I blame being brought up with strong feminist values - I'm as ill-equipped to deal with post-feminism as traditional men were with plain feminism.

That's really interesting, and familiar. Is there anything you've found to break it down a bit? Bar work got me over a lot of it, just by forcing me to interact with people and watching them trying to pull each other. Also, something an ex-girlfriend (on very good terms with) told me that helped:

"No matter how filthy a thought you're having about a girl is, if she's interested she's probably thinking something far filthier about you".

It never becomes completely comfortable, since it involves a fair bit of vulnerability. I don't think the moment when you go in for a first kiss ever gets less terrifying, and once you accept that terror it can make it really enjoyable.

*I did actually finally ask a girl our a couple of months ago though - she was so special that I knew I would hate myself if I didn't. She said yes! We had a date planned! Then she met someone else...

:0 Sorry to hear that. Burn it, it's the past. Just because one did it to you, doesn't mean they all will.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
If you're in London, I'd highly recommend Sandpit. It's interesting and absolutely mental.

Seconded. Sandpit is great fun!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the advice, Nach, I feel like I'm beginning to learn this stuff myself, but it's great to have it confirmed. Also, thanks for the tips, too. I've no idea what that Sandpit thing is, but I'll be checking it out :tup:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
*I did actually finally ask a girl our a couple of months ago though - she was so special that I knew I would hate myself if I didn't. She said yes! We had a date planned! Then she met someone else...

Oh, man. I would find that really discouraging.

Optimism! There will be others!

That Sandpit thing looks really fun! I wonder if there's anything similar here?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
My advice is, be lucky.

This works out really well, turns out. I picked up a quiet goth chick from my college Japanese class, mostly cause she was a hot goth chick, and she turned out to be a bonafide hardcore gamer. And really cool. And not actually all that goth, in the dumb-high-schooler-stuck-in-a-phaze kind of way. Now we're engaged.

Sadly, I have no great advice to give otherwise.

Also, be nice to tech support. Call center jobs are soulless hells. Chances are the poor sap was only trained to click through his 12 boxes, because he works at an out-sourcing center that can't be bothered to teach their reps helpful knowledge. And nevertheless he spends all day assisting people who never considered restarting their router. And even if he suspects your problem is above his paygrade, the well-trained guys won't help you until he checks all 12 boxes. Furthermore, since his job is to solve people's problems, he spends 40 hours a week being insulted, demeaned, and yelled at (on behalf of the company he represents).

You never look at customer service the same once you've been there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This works out really well, turns out. I picked up a quiet goth chick from my college Japanese class, mostly cause she was a hot goth chick, and she turned out to be a bonafide hardcore gamer. And really cool. And not actually all that goth, in the dumb-high-schooler-stuck-in-a-phaze kind of way. Now we're engaged.

:tup:

Also, be nice to tech support. Call center jobs are soulless hells. Chances are the poor sap was only trained to click through his 12 boxes, because he works at an out-sourcing center that can't be bothered to teach their reps helpful knowledge. And nevertheless he spends all day assisting people who never considered restarting their router. And even if he suspects your problem is above his paygrade, the well-trained guys won't help you until he checks all 12 boxes. Furthermore, since his job is to solve people's problems, he spends 40 hours a week being insulted, demeaned, and yelled at (on behalf of the company he represents).

You never look at customer service the same once you've been there.

I'd go with this, until I have spent over 2 hours of conversation trying to get money back. Then I am more likely to get aggressive, though I make it clear to the person it is against the company not the individual. This reached it's peak after I tried to get my mum's AOL broadband cancelled and I spent about 5 hours (over 2 weeks) attempting to get a MAC code which worked.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:0 Sorry to hear that. Burn it, it's the past. Just because one did it to you, doesn't mean they all will.

Sadly, not the first or last one. A resurfacing ex did pretty much the same thing to me a few weeks later.

"No matter how filthy a thought you're having about a girl is, if she's interested she's probably thinking something far filthier about you".

Yeah, an ex and some female friends have said something in the same vein: that all girls like being asked out. If nothing else it is a compliment in itself.

That's really interesting, and familiar. Is there anything you've found to break it down a bit?

Hmm, well my state of mind is in a bit of a downswing this last week, so conjuring positive thoughts is a bit difficult.

Thinking back though, I did pretty well last year, asking out more girls than probably the rest of my life put together. This lead to, variously, being given fake numbers, girls not answering my calls, being asked to contact them via facebook and being ignored there instead and so forth. On the other hand not once did I get a straight "no thanks" or blunt rejection, so take from that what you will.

I read most of Neil Strauss' The Game early last year and spoke to a guy who turned out to be a semi-pro pick-up artist in a club. Equal parts insightful and depressing, I still hate that men like that exist, let alone how readily women fall for their system. But even rejecting the lifestyle, there is some very valuable advice for any man in there, if you strain the obnoxious shit out.

One thing is to grab your first opportunity. Waiting for the 'right moment' will only make things more difficult. If the girl is a random stranger in a bar for instance, the recommendation is within 10 seconds of making significant eye-contact. Just walk over and do it, otherwise you probably never will. Sometimes this means doing something incredibly hard me - asking a girl for her number within ear-shot of other people. Just get it over with - in fact she is less likely to say no because she doesn't want to seem cold in front of her friends.

Another thing I've been trying to do - possibly less successfully - is approach girls who I only like a little bit rather than a whole lot. I must have a female brain or something, because no matter how pretty a girl is I don't feel any real attraction until after I get to know them (like Patters, the personality cliché). This can make motivation difficult when attempting the first advice above. But that's how meetings start and not every girl you take out has to be as special as the last (most of the population seem to go out with people who they don't even like).

This did however lead to me being on the other side of the fence for the first time in my life. After spending the night with someone, I had to let her down when she wanted to take it further and I realised I just wasn't as into her as she seemed to be into me. That was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do (and hurting someone may be one of my biggest fears). From experience it still wasn't as painful as being on the receiving end. Still, she took it pretty well, we are still friends and I have only received one single batch of angry drunken text messages from her since then :tup:

SO yeah... I think I'm getting there slowly. Though I reckon I'm going to take a break from the stress of courtship for a bit now. Concentrate on getting a new job. A sad fact, but in the same way that most men are shallow about looks, so most women seem to be shallow about money and success. And even if that's not the case, I would still like a little bit of money to spend on or with someone I like.

Gosh that was quite a lot. Hope it helps someone. Chin up, what.

Edited by DanJW

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[snip]

Yeah I have been thinking of trying that sort of thing, every time the short game has ever happened, I have effectively screwed up something else.

Though I feel like a change, to which I have reacted normally in getting most of my hair cut off. to the shortest it has been in over 6 years [aside]fuck that's over a quarter of my life[/aside] I have definitely been smiling more, which isn't common for me. I don't know why, I just feel a lot happier at the moment! :tup::tup:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Got harassed by an undercover cop who followed me to work today, nearly breaking the arm trying to get into my parking garage, who I guess was really mad I honked at him for almost wrecking into me since he can't take a left turn on a 3-lane left turn setup and stay within the dotted lines at the same time!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THE POLICE! Bunch of small dick motherfuckers with inferiority complexes. My record was clean so I guess he had to leave! Bullshit!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A befriending tip that works on romantic interests and merely cool people alike: invite people to events that you are already going to attend (gallery openings, poetry readings, protests, etc).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
she was a hot goth chick, and she turned out to be a bonafide hardcore gamer. And really cool.

Pictures, please!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I spent 6 hours of my day in almost complete darkness listening to The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and only moving every 30 minutes or so. I found it very pleasant actually.

And I got paid for it so :tup:.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I spent 6 hours of my day in almost complete darkness listening to The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and only moving every 30 minutes or so. I found it very pleasant actually.

And I got paid for it so :tup:.

Do they have any openings?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was measuring the luminous flux and luminous efficacy of various lamps (incandescent, halogen, CFL an LED) with an integrating sphere. I work at the laboratory of metrology at my university at the moment and the data is actually for my bachelor's thesis. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So after leaving school at 15 with one GCSE at grade 'C', 5 years of bumming around in shit jobs, ten years of further education, getting married and starting a family, and at times doing soul destroyingly hard work, I am now 3 months away from adding an MBChB to my BSc in physiology and graduating as a medical Dr.

But I am having second thoughts...

Recently I have been party to (at some level or other) so much suffering, pain, sorrow and death that I am not sure I can do it. I have been an ambulance paramedic (EMT) for ten years too, and have been involved with some horrendous jobs that haunt me still, so I knew what I was letting myself in for. In some ways then I am a bit of a fool for getting this far in.

I'm probably just feeling miserable because I am tired and have been at a clinic telling people they have incurable cancer and listening to the consultant list treatment options involving toxic, energy sapping drugs all afternoon. But I must be able to deal with this.

I'm not sure I want to be a doctor anymore, but sort of worse still, I have no idea what else I would want to do, except play computer games 24/7 and get paid for it...anyone know of any openings in this area :D

Also, before I forget Patters, I am especially sad that you are made to feel ashamed of whatever mental illness you suffered from. I always challenge (within and outside of my profession) shortsighted attitudes to mental health wherever and whenever I come across it. It is real and arguably worse than many forms of physical disease (steps off soapbox).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not that I want to push you down the wrong road or anything Andy, but it's probably better to have doubts about doing something than to do nothing because of your doubts, which is pretty much what I do. Clearly the medical profession can confront you with some pretty rough stuff, so the uncertainties we all feel from time to time can, I imagine, be hugely compounded. That's not to say that your concerns are unfounded; just take some time to consider whether the source of your anxiety is a mood, or a more fundamental dissatisfaction. I'd recommend considering the positive influence you can have if it weren't such an obvious suggestion.

Anyway, best of luck, whichever path you take.

(I say that as though you're going away somewhere. Weird.)

ANDY IS A COOL GUY I DON'T KNOW HOW TO END THIS POST

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Recently I have been party to (at some level or other) so much suffering, pain, sorrow and death that I am not sure I can do it. I have been an ambulance paramedic (EMT) for ten years too, and have been involved with some horrendous jobs that haunt me still, so I knew what I was letting myself in for. In some ways then I am a bit of a fool for getting this far in.

I'm probably just feeling miserable because I am tired and have been at a clinic telling people they have incurable cancer and listening to the consultant list treatment options involving toxic, energy sapping drugs all afternoon. But I must be able to deal with this.

How do you cope with this kind of thing? It amazes me the mental strength and sheer bravery that people in the emergency services seem to have. I'm a selfish prick at heart and I think it's probably the personal sacrifice that I wouldn't be able to deal with. Giving people the worst news, attending accidents etc. you must leave a little of your soul there each time. Maybe you have given all you can give? Ten years is a long time, possibly time for a change...

In the last ten years I've achieved to get a Degree, buy my first house, become engaged and survived redundancy. No great shakes, most people will achieve this, it's just sometimes, a nagging part of me wishes to go back and take the path less trodden and do something extraordinary.

It sounds to me that you've taken a hard road, and then some, I'll always be jealous.:tup:

S.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Congrats on turning your life around... That's amazing that you left with a single C and have pushed yourself to become a Doctor. Awesome props :tup:

A friend of mine became a doctor, or nearly did (I think he was 6 months away from finishing) but he quit because he couldn't take the stress anymore. I think he'd become an alcholic long before then. Now he's a janitor for a special needs school... and has never been happier (still has problems with the drink, I think though).

But I also have a friend who's a nurse (who enjoys their job) and I know that the medical profession is very diverse and offers dramatically different experiences depending on where you're working. Could you not move to a less "depressing" department once you're qualified?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the kind words guys, I mean it. I 'm just having a bad couple of weeks, buried my uncle two weeks ago (died of cancer too), massive pile of hard graft to do for the next three months, treadmill of life still rolls on...what's not to like :D

I do still want to and will be a doctor, it's a fantastic job. I am playing with my long held idea of studying law after medicine with a view to becoming a medical defence lawyer as I am not sure I want to be just a doctor for the rest of my days but we will see.

Anyway, bottom line is I am not quite so miserable as I was when I posted and in a small way, some of that feeling betterness is down to your kind comments for which I am thankful.

(THIS IN NO WAY MAKES ME WEAK IN LEFT FOR DEAD OR ANY OTHER MULTIPLAYER GAME I PLAY WITH YOU GUYS)

Thankyou ;)

Andy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Law and medicine? You're like some kind of qualifications machine!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×