Life

[Sententia]

Yay living in Holland!

 

That sounds exactly like the experience I had moving from my hometown to a new city.  It was a 20 hour bus ride where I felt crushed and nightmarishly frightened and sad and confused, for no reason at all, and when I heard the driver announce my destination it all went away immediately.

[elmuerte]

GUYS I LIVE IN HOLLAND NOW AJSDHCKDNDICNDJC

I can only assume you're posting this wearing wooden shoes.

[Roderick]

...choking in a bushel of tulips, getting knocked on the head by a windmill.

[Lu]

You haven't lived until you've put a finger into a leaky dyke.

[Roderick]

Well, that takes the cake for grossest Dutch metaphor!

[osmosisch]

There's always the Dutch oven!

[Ucantalas]

There's always the Dutch oven!

I forgot I wasn't in an E3 related thread, and thought Dutch Oven was some amazing game announcement I had missed.

[osmosisch]

I forgot I wasn't in an E3 related thread, and thought Dutch Oven was some amazing game announcement I had missed.

Oh, it is! It needs a new peripheral though.

[Ucantalas]

I believe it was one of the Monkey Island games that mentioned you really, REALLY don't want smell-o-vision.

[syntheticgerbil]

Actually, way more often since my girlfriend broke up with me on Monday. Five years gone! Turns out this whole open relationship thing was an excuse to sort of create a distance between us and line herself up with someone to replace me*. Or something. Either way, she doesn't love me anymore and I still totally love her and man, does this whole thing blow. I could fill a full sub-forum with all the ways life sucks now, but I've already been pretty dedicated to openly mourning and flagellating myself in every other part of social media, so I figure I should probably keep the weeping to a minimum on the place where I mostly want to talk about how sweet Gunpoint is (spoiler: really sweet).

 

I'm not trying to be a dick (which means I know what I'm saying is mean), but I guess I was expecting this post at same point. I don't know what to say as I haven't been in that situation but sorry it worked out that way for you, as I know how much it sucks to love someone who doesn't totally love you back.

 

Anyway, every time you posted about your situation it made me think about this episode of This American Life: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/486/valentines-day-2013

Maybe you might like it and it may make you feel better on some level.

[dibs]

So my band were playing marches before a televised Hurling game in Sunday. It all went well until the girl singing the national anthem got up to sing. She wasn't able to hear us and what resulted was an out of tune and oddly stretched rendition that has gone viral here in Ireland. Oops.

http://thedailyedge.thejournal.ie/national-anthem-mishap-945758-Jun2013/

I can be seen briefly on the wide shot at the start playing cymbals! Also my hat is at the bottom of the screen when they zoom in in our bass drummer.

[Ucantalas]

Ugh. I feel like I'm having some sort of personal crisis. (Fair warning, slight rant thingy incoming.)

I just haven't been feeling so great lately. I spend most of my nights (and a good portion of my days) wondering why I'm even here and what I'm doing with my life. (The big conclusion so far, by the way, is "Nothing".) Really, if I die, whats the big deal? I haven't done anything in my lifetime. The world would be in the same place it is now if I wasn't here. 

I have no idea what to do with my life. I'm at the point where the people around me are starting to get their lives together, starting careers and getting houses and being in stable relationships, and I'm just sitting here, with no idea what the fuck I'm doing. The one thing I thought I wanted to with my life (game programming) I just am not very good at, and now that I'm not forced to do it with school or work, I find no pleasure in it or anything and have a difficult time even opening an IDE.

I feel like I need a change, but I have no idea what I would do or change. I moved out from my parents house... and all that's resulted in is a massive money drain as I desperately search for employment. Not the smartest thing I've ever done. I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off learning something different in college, but I have no idea what I would have gone for, and even now I can't think of anything I'd like to do. And now I'm so jaded about not being able to find a job, I don't really want to go back to school and put myself in even more debt.

At this point I'm basically only qualified for the stuff I went to school for that I have become so disillusioned with that I don't want to do anymore, or for minimum wage sales jobs or burger flipping stuff. But as qualified or not as I am, I can't get even close to getting a job doing anything. I'm starting to wonder if there's some kind of mental block sabotaging me in subtle ways, like making my resume look like shit and then my brain convincing me its alright. But that's probably paranoid... but its my brain telling me I'm being paranoid, so I can't trust him...

None of this is helping my horrible social anxieties as it is, and I find I just stay in all the time because I don't want to go deal with people. Some people have said I need to just walk up to people and start a conversation, but the idea of doing that makes me so nervous I want to throw up. So instead of doing anything I stay in my bedroom near tears as I think about how goddamned awkward I am, while instead of doing anything useful or helpful I end up complaining about it online and diving into some fucking pity party and I end up hating myself for it.

Every day I try and think about my future, but I just can't seem to see a way to a better future, it all looks so fucking bleak and shitty. I just feel useless.


...sorry everyone, I just needed to spill out all the shit I can't seem to talk to anyone about. We will now continue with our regularly scheduled forum thread.

[Zeusthecat]

Ugh. I feel like I'm having some sort of personal crisis. (Fair warning, slight rant thingy incoming.)

 

I think you're a cool dude.

 

When I find myself becoming consumed by thoughts of my future and all of the insecurities that come along with it I find it helpful to just stop and focus on doing whatever I can in the present that will make me happy right now (which usually means play video games). I say fuck the future. I'll get there eventually one way or another. Yeah, I need to make more money, save for retirement, make my huge impact on the world, blah blah blah. Or I could die tomorrow. So I just try to live it up in the present while trying to make sure if I do live for awhile that I can at least continue to do things that make me happy in the future. More often than not doing what makes me happy now in some way feeds into building a better future for myself.

 

I also used to feel pretty awkward all the time and just thought everyone viewed me as a weird person. I realized at some point that absolutely everyone (especially super outgoing people) runs that same thought process through their heads. I guess it's kind of like picturing everyone naked if you have stage fright. Just realizing everyone is super insecure has made me okay with it. You're probably a lot cooler of a person than you realize.

 

And if just writing down what you are going through helps, start a blog or something. I'll read it. I promise.

[Merus]

Firstly, what you're going through sounds like it might be compacted by depression or anxiety. Depression lies. There are simple self-administered tests to see if this might be affecting your outlook, and you should not listen to the voice saying there's no point doing it because depression lies. If the tests indicate you may have a problem, a mental health professional is your most important call. Again, depression lies, so if the tests indicate there is an issue, ignore the voice that says that you should be able to do this on your own. There are online resources that may be helpful as well if it's not serious enough to require specialist care (Google cognitive behavioural therapy), but if your thoughts are sick then you go to the thought doctor. 

 

Platitudes follow.

 

I keep in mind that, over the course of my life I'm capable of having 5 or 6 careers at which I become an expert and then abandon for something fresh. I'm likely to actually do only two or three. I've wasted one so far, but my life is by no means over. I've got plenty of time to become awesome at something, decide I don't want to do that for the rest of my life, then abandon it, do something else that's great, feel I've had enough of that, and then do another thing!

 

Also that most of the fears and anxieties - excluding aforementioned mental illnesses - you and I have felt are felt by basically everyone. I guarantee you the majority of parents feel at some point they have made a huge mistake and they have no business being responsible for the continued existence of another human being. A lot of people find meeting new people kind of awkward! The majority of our generation, at some point in their lives, takes a look at themselves and goes "what m I doing with my life". Honestly that last one's a good thing because it means you're capable of self-examination, which is a crucial skill to have if you want to have the success of being good enough at something that it's worth others ensuring your continued survival and ensuring your genetic material perpetuates, and that's counted as 'success' for most herd animals for millennia so there's no reason to change the definition now.

[Patrick R]

I'm not trying to be a dick (which means I know what I'm saying is mean), but I guess I was expecting this post at same point. I don't know what to say as I haven't been in that situation but sorry it worked out that way for you, as I know how much it sucks to love someone who doesn't totally love you back.

 

Anyway, every time you posted about your situation it made me think about this episode of This American Life: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/486/valentines-day-2013

Maybe you might like it and it may make you feel better on some level.

 

I'll check it out, thanks.

[Roderick]

I just bought an actual car. My first car! It was time! It's this one:

 

 

The terrific Suzuki Swift. I love compact cars, and this one strikes the best balance between being super cuddly, yet also hip and sporty. Also chosen because I don't know anything about car repairs and Japanese cars are the most reliable. Can't wait to tour the country with it! Woohoo!

[osmosisch]

Come visit

[Roderick]

I just might! I'll PM you when I've got a notion of what my free time is like and when I get comfortable enough for long rides.

[dibs]

I just might! I'll PM you when I've got a notion of what my free time is like and when I get comfortable enough for long rides.

I'm sure he will treat you gently.

Also, congrats:)

[ysbreker]

1) It seems there are quite a few Dutch thumbs people now. Maybe it's time for some kind of casual meetup to welcome I_smell to our little country?

2) I have a new job! I'm going to work for werkspot.nl in Amsterdam. I will be making a lot more per month now. I am quite excited!

3) I'm getting more nervous by the day for my trip to the US. Another thing I can't wait for!

4) Tomorrow is CSSday.nl in Amsterdam. I'm volunteering again so I get to meet all the cool people that do cool stuff with CSS and the people who actually write the CSS standard.

5) I can't stop listening to the new Queens of the Stone Age. It is very good.

[Roderick]

I continue to welcome the Dutch meet-up and vote for the central place of Utrecht as likeliest place we won't come to blows.

[toblix]

Utrecht? I hardly know her!

[osmosisch]

We have a boardgame afternoon/evening planned the 7th of july if that floats your boat.

 

I'm not very mobile at the moment what with my two little ones being a bit much to handle for my wife for an entire day so I'm unlikely to make any meetup in the south.

[syntheticgerbil]

I'll give you a Utrecht.

[syntheticgerbil]

So here's a long rambling post about me wanting to change careers:

 

I was fired from my last job about three weeks ago shy of one month from about two years. It was a bad job from the start anyway and I knew that, but I couldn't never really find anything else promising. I won't go into the details but I wasn't the only one at fault, and I know the art director I did have during the last project listens to the Thumbs podcast and knows I post on the forums (but says he doesn't read), just doesn't know my username.

 

But to get down to it, I get paid to do art for things, and I have been since 2007, except for an 8 month period of unemployment when I switched cities to this one. I'm not an exceptionally good artist, but I try my best and I guess the fact that I have been paid for years over means something. But that doesn't really matter all that much these days because you really have to get to be the best of the best in one discipline or you will have no job. Competition is stiff and companies want you ready to be amazing at what you were hired for with little to no training and within their art style, if not it's customary to just outsource the work to China where it's cheap and someone will eventually get their style. Even then, a lot of the ways you get a job in games is just by knowing someone because it saves everyone in HR time and no one has to review a bunch of portfolios. This is probably why a lot of video games tend to look the same since it is just a cycle of people having to fit a mold one way or another. Not positive, but it seems that way.

 

I was about to close on a house my girlfriend and I were trying to purchase (that we currently live in, renting) but I got fired a week before closing. Now because of that, the owner is selling to someone else and we will have to leave and find somewhere else to live in September, even though we just moved here last September with no plans to move again. To compound that problem, Austin, Texas, is now apparently the coolest place ever to live (tip: it's really not) and people are moving here rapidly this year, with cost of living rapidly increasing. Since I'm the primary source of income and I was an artist with an incredibly unstable and volatile job, I really had no business buying a house, I know this, but I guess I just wanted to be "normal" and have somewhere to settle a bit.

 

So the issue is, I'm stuck in Austin and it's very much a city with a very bro AAA game mentality at most of the companies, where I definitely do not fit in terms of style or personality. There's no other real paying art jobs outside of a 2D animation studio I'd love to work at and have applied (again). I can't move because my girlfriend loves her job at a vet she works at here and will probably not leave it ever if she doesn't have to. I don't know if I would want to move to somewhere like San Francisco even if I had the means, though the companies I love are there. The other issue is, I need to be a little bit more 3D centric because while I have 3D skills, they are either rusty and outdated or not good enough, since so far I've been mostly paid to concept, do vector art, digital paint, create characters, storyboard, and animate in 2D and 3D, which is fine, because my passion is not in 3D and working in 3D is usually one technical headache after another until you get to the good stuff. School I went to was very heavy in 3D teaching, but they did it all wrong and it was outdated even then, being staffed by a bunch of industry people who were dinosaurs (hooray Art Institute for sucking).

 

I just finished all my recent portfolio stuff completely updated and new demo reel and all Wednesday and even though I've applied to places, I'm feeling really disenchanted. In many ways I kind of hate doing artwork now and it's all dictated by trying to keep up with whatever job I'm aiming to get. I mean it was foolish to think this, but the dream I had growing up where I wanted this career is that I would be designing some kind of look, world, or characters from the ground up and be some kind of creative gatekeeper for a project. You can easily do that any time, but no one is probably going to pay you to do that unless you are a name artist. How do you get to be a name artist though? Doesn't seem like working on random projects studio to studio ever gets you out there. I feel like everyone who starts loving an artist for their style has gone through a backdoor of creating a pet project or just doing what they want as amateurs and then building up a fan base. A lot of the artists I know by name art are just comic book artists who did that stuff while having a wholly different full time job until their career took off.

 

So on that I guess I'm considering trying to switch careers to something stable and possibly outright boring. Where I don't have to work a ton of hours for someone's shitty grand scheme of video game mediocrity or just always second guessing everything I'm doing and wondering "is it good enough?" even when it's a personal piece that no one will probably see. Maybe if art were a hobby, I'd enjoy it again, but I don't know. I don't really want to go back to school again for something else and work at awful minimum wage jobs again for years to pay rent, but maybe it's time to do that. I don't even remember what else I was good at anymore except that I did exceptionally well in higher up classes in math and physics. What do you do with that? Be an accountant? How do you "engineer?"

 

Mrrghgh, I mean I know I just started applying to places starting Wednesday and I shouldn't be complaining because I get paid to draw and do "creative" things, so I should be living the dream, right? First world problems I guess. I suppose I'm just worried because even if I land another job, keep it for five to ten years, it's just still going to be as unstable as before because you come out of the job being good at what you did there and in the style of that company but not necessarily relevant to the places on the market upon leaving. Anyone who can do this stuff their whole life and retire on it, good on them, but it seems to be a special case.