They call it JEWTOPIA!!

[Salka]

There is this girl at school that's a complete Fundamentalist Catholic, if such a thing does exist. Every day she asks everybody what religion they are, and when they give various responses such as 'Muslim' or 'Jewish' or whatever, she smiles falsely and pretends to respect that religion. If you answer 'Catholic', she smiles and hugs you. I'm not joking. This actually happens, every day.

Now, it so happens that I tend to answer 'Agnostic', which is what I am, which means I love everything. The trees, the plants, the animals, and people... and whatever anybody else chooses to believe.

Today, I was busy decorating my History Folder with pictures of Hitler and dancing Stars of David, when she came up and asked me again what religion I was.

"Jewish." I replied, furiously pasting another little Hitler alone the spine of the folder.

There was this puzzled pause. "I thought you were Agnostic?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah, no. Well, I'm a casual Jew, really." I lied expertly, picking up a Swastika.

"Seriously, you're... you're not lying? Because I thought you said before--"

I dropped the folder, stood up, and gave an exasperated sigh. "See, look at my Jewish Nose," I turned my face to give her a profile view, and ran my index finger along my nose pointedly. Seeing the blank expression, I gave another exaggerated sigh, picked up my Journal and opened it, revealing the back cover of it. Predictably, there was a picture of Willy Wonka. Holding the picture level to my face, I pointed to my nose again.

"Oh, I think I see it!" She poked the bridge of my nose, hard. "Why, yes, yes! You do! You're perfectly right!" She relaxed a little, slightly more confident that I was telling the truth.

"My inherited it from my Dad," I continued, "he's Jewish. His name is Bob ... uh, Bob Bergman." I picked up another Star of David.

"So that's your name? Your name is Rusalka Bergman? But isn't your mother Catholic? Didn't you tell me that...?"

"Yeah. Well her family is, but she's atheist."

"But... don't Jews only marry into other Jewish families?" I heard the suspicion rising in her voice again.

"Oh? What? I mean, yeah. That's alright because... my parents aren't married. And besides, my mother has Jewish ancestry. Yeah, that one too."

"If you're really Jewish, how come you celebrate Christmas instead of Hanuuakahah?" She demanded.

There was a silence. I paused from taping together a string of Stars and Swastikas, and looked up at her. I had just had an accident with the sellotape and my eyelashes, and on pulling it off I had irritated my eye. One slightly reddened eye dripped tears pathetically. I sniffed.

"We're European Jews." I said coldly, as though I was disappointed at her narrow-minded knowledge of Jewish people. I wiped my crying eye with my hand, and sniffed again. "I hate you people and your uneducated assumptions. You assume. You paint us all with the same brush, and the brush is a crap one. You think you know us. You think you get us. Ahhh! You don't! Oh, god." And I started sobbing.

"Oh." Laura looked mortified. She coughed awkwardly, and then put her arm around me. "I... I'm sorry. So... all this time, I've never really known you. Where are you from? Originally, I mean."

"Jewtopia." I sniffed, looking up at her sadly.

"You mean Israel?"

"Is that what you guys call it?"

"And what about Sabbath? Do you do that?"

"Well, I try to work it around my Saturday job, but yeah. Why do you think you've never seen me in town on a Saturday?"

"Well, actually, I--"

"And was I carrying anything?"

"Well, no..."

This conversation continued along a similar vein for another five minutes, and all the time she was nodding happily as she absorbed all this false information and saved it to her Celeron powered, 16mb of RAM, 100mb Hard Drive of a brain as a .FACT file. I was saved as the bell rang out. Laura is a goody-two-shoes, and has to be ten minutes early for every class, so she was in a little of a panic to leave.

"Oh, there goes the bell for the next class. I'll talk to you later! Bye bye, Jewish Friend! I'll find you at lunch and get to know you better!" And off she skipped. I still don't know whether to laugh or cry. Or become a politian. And yes, she actually called me her 'Jewish Friend'.

[Erkki]

I sometimes make up stuff like that when talking to really drunk people who ask stupid questions, but I usually go with something they are expecting so I get to say 'yes', 'yes', 'yes' a lot and they will believe it even more because they think they drew the conclusions themselves.

[OftenK]

"Jewtopia." I sniffed, looking up at her sadly.

That brightened my day considerably.

[Fairygdmther]

I am of the nasty opinion that anyone who pumps you for personal info DESERVES to get any sort of crap you feel like spewing at them.

Right on Yufster!

FGM

[New_Order]

Wait a second, you had an accident with sellotape and your eyelashes... interesting

[loonyboi]

Welcome to the tribe.

Show up one of these days completely covered from head to toe in a black dress and say you've rediscovered your roots, and you're ultra-orthodox now.

Then proceed to rattle off something that sounds like klingon and say it was a reading from the talmud, before accusing her of being an anti-semite.

Good times.

[Salka]

The story continues.

Today, my new Fundamentalist Catholic friend found me again. Linking arms, she continued to tell me how 'Jewish' I look.

"Except for your hair and eyes," She commented. "I mean, your eyes are very Jewish looking, but they're brown. I thought most Jews had blonde hair and blue eyes."

"No, that's Nazis," I said. I paused, and then, as an afterthought, added, "and people with a lot of allergies."

"Not all people with blonde hair and blue eyes are allergic to things," she said. I shook my head, smiling knowingly.

"Not true. What about James, and Oscar?"

James is a guy in my year in school, and he's allergic to the dust in the air. Obviously, he has blue and blonde. Oscar is my brother.

"Oscar is allergic to things? Like what?"

"Oh, everything. Even wood. Especially wood. That's why he's always crying; because the desks in this school are wooden. That's why he burst into tears yesterday when you told him to 'Touch Wood', and he smacked a tree."

"I thought that was because he got a splinter?"

"Yes, a wooden splinter."

"Oh."

[MrChlorophyll]

You so need to write a book that is purely composed of just this stuff. I'd buy two.

[Salka]

A hundred thousand people would sue me, because to everybody I know, it's so obvious who these people are, even if I didn't include names. Besides that, Jewish communities would be up in arms over it.

[OftenK]

Not if you just published it through cafepress! That way, pretty much no one will know about it (unless, of course, you start pointing it out to the jewish communities)! Seems like you can publish anything you damn well please over there.

Stop making excuses and write a book already.

Slacker.

[Duncan]

Today, my new Fundamentalist Catholic friend found me again. Linking arms, she continued to tell me how 'Jewish' I look.

This is a very strange person.

[General Fuzzy McBitty]

At what point do you tell her that you aren't jewish and that she's obviously got some sort of problem?

[MrHoatzin]

At what point do you tell her that you aren't jewish and that she's obviously got some sort of problem?

Never?

[MrChlorophyll]

If told that, she may very well explode.

Literally.

[Jaero]

I've made a sport out of telling these sorts of people that I'm some kinda of mutant Aryan Jew. I'm a clone of my father, who is very dutch, but my mother's family was jewish, and my hair is too. My nose tries to be, but it can't quite pull it off. It's not really that funny to me anymore, and some smarter people dismiss me as being full of shit (which I am), but I used to get my kicks when stupid people thought I descended from Nazis... or Jews.

Man, I'm a dick.

[Salka]

Today, I made a slip of the tongue, and accidentally said my family were Nazi Jews, instead of German Jews. Yes, my Nazi Jewish family fled from Germany during World War II...

"Nazi Jewish?" She repeated blankly.

"Oh, yes. Oh." I coughed, and then blathered on quickly, "That's why there's a lot of domestic violence in my household. Most of it self-inflicted. Oh, stop hitting myself, me! Stop hitting myself! Ow! Why am I hitting me? Ow! That kind of thing."

Then I admitted I'd been lying. I said that really, I was Unjew. Then she went around asking people if I really was Unjew. They didn't have any idea what she was talking about. It was brilliant.

[MrChlorophyll]

Nazi Jewish. Yeah, I think you're goin' hell for that one.

But I laughed at it. Very hard. So I'll be in the handbasket with you.

[Salka]

She's doing Religion for an extra Leaving Cert subject. She's gonna be real screwed if she uses phrases like 'Unjew' and 'Nazi Jew' and 'Jewtopia' during that exam.

Snubs, I am afraid I cannot see you in hell, as Jews automatically go to heaven.

[Redwall]

Wouldn't Hitler sort of be a Nazi Jew? Wasn't his grandmother a Jew or something?

[Salka]

Yeah, apparently so. I too, like Hitler, have Jewish relations. It's a crazy world. I am lying about my heritage to a girl, and yet simultaneously I do not lie.

I don't get this whole Jewness. I mean, it's like being a Jew is some sort of Fashion Statement nowadays. Anybody can be a Jew! Why don't JEW try it!? Get it? Do Jew? Jew! Jew Jew Jew!

I crack myself up! WTF am I talking about?

[RLacey]

WTF am I talking about?

[Jaero]

"Kyle, all those times I said you were a dumb, stupid Jew, well, I was wrong, you're not a Jew."

[Salka]

'Jewish' and 'stupid'? Same Sentence?

Did you know that most people you know or like, or have learned about, are Jewish? Even Albert frickin' Einstein. He fled Germany to avoid persecution, and then went on to give birth to Nuclear Warfare!!! (sort of, but not really). I bet the stinkin' Nazis were kicking themselves then, eh?? Hahaha! HA HA HA! Dumbasses! wtf! And the British Royal Family are all German! Did you know that? Did you? I don't think you did! Not relevant at all, but still interesting! A lot of my favourite writers, musicians, and entertainers are also Jewish.

You know, the Irish are smart too. In a more cunning and devious way. Lots of intelligent people and great contributers to society came from Ireland. There are some less funny entertainers, but excellent musicians and writers and poets which emerged from our dinky little island off the west coast of Britain. We are great liars, too. Like the Norwiegans, we love to tell you who in the world of fame is from our country or has roots here. Jews don't have to do this, since pretty much everybody famous is Jewish. Even Madonna was, for about a week.

Most of the great people in the world are either Jewish, Irish or American, or Scottish. And since all Americans are Irish, and the Irish have a better infrastructure than Jews, and since nobody can understand Scots anyway, I guess that means we win. Which means Harrison Ford and Michael Douglas LOSE. They LOSE! And so do all the other Jews and Americans and Scots! Take that, Hitler's Grandmother! Take that, Founding Fathers! Take that, guy from the Club Orange adverts!

It is my belief that the more you try to oppress people, the more they will fight to become better than you. I mean, people that are raised in a normal, loving household tend to be normal, loving people that lead normal lives. But people that grow up in a shit household tend to either grow up to be shit, or rise above what they were raised in. Please don't disagree with me, because this is the only thing that keeps me sane every day. That's why it's nice to get a kick in the pants, or lead a rollercoaster life, because in the end, it makes you a better person. Or whatever. I don't know. I'm very ill today. I can't breath and my chest hurts when I try. If you would like to share my sickness (which is a nasty strain of the Flu) please send me your address in PM and I will sneeze into an envelope which I shall then forward to you. It's good to share, and it will kill off the weaker humans which litter the face of this awesome planet, so that the strong may live on! LIVE ON! And breed to become a super-race, a super-race of super-humans, which the Flu cannot penetrate, and rape our weak, blue-eyed bodies of vital bodily fluids because WE WILL NOT HAVE BLUE EYES, since they're a weaker gene. Or whatever, I don't know, this is what I have been told. Everybody has blue eyes in this retarded country from which so many intelligent people have amazingly sprung forth.

Personally, I am a big fan of Mr Einstein.

[Wormsie]

I read an article at Wikipedia (I think) that said Hitler did not have a jewish grandmother or anything. Then again, Wikipedia... But they were very convincing, even more so than Yufster.

[loonyboi]

Snubs, I am afraid I cannot see you in hell, as Jews automatically go to heaven.

Actually, technically there is no heaven in Judaism. Nor is there a hell. There's purgatory, which is sort of the bad place, and there's that whole Moses will come back and we'll all rise from our graves thing, but no real heaven.

The whole jewish afterlife can read like Night of the Living dead sometimes.