Telling my parents about my sister moving out

[Rxanadu]

I have an urgent dilemma: my sister's moving out of state, but she hasn't told my parents about it. She tells me they're against the idea, and given my experience talking to them in the past, I believe her. She seems determined to leave regardless of the circumstances (most of her stuff is already at the apartment she's moving into) , and she's set up an entire plan to leave without them noticing. It involves me to a high degree, however. I have to take her to the airport, come back home and pretend she left on her own after dropping off at work.

 

I'm wondering how I should handle this situation: should I tell my parents she's moving out of state, should I play ignorant, or should I do something else entirely?

[clyde]

If she is 18 or older then just help her when you think it's appropriate and don't lie or be disingenious to anyone involved unless there is a threat of violence and you think that trickery may help someone avoid harm.

[tegan]

Why is she moving out?

 

I'm kind of biased since I'm a runaway myself, but in my case it was due to abuse. Is she having problems at home?

[Rxanadu]

Why is she moving out?

 

I'm kind of biased since I'm a runaway myself, but in my case it was due to abuse. Is she having problems at home?

 

I wouldn't call it abuse, but I would assume it has something with my parents constantly asking for money to pay the bills to the point that she's unable to really get out and do things on her own. They tend to get very angry whenever she refuses and yell at her constantly. Nothing physical has happened, though.

[tegan]

That... kinda still sounds like abuse.

[Gormongous]

That... kinda still sounds like abuse.

 

Yeah, I don't want to make anyone's moral decisions for them, but if that's the case, it seems like a situation where one could justify deceiving one's parents by omission for the ultimate good of a sibling.

[Rxanadu]

Yeah, I don't want to make anyone's moral decisions for them, but if that's the case, it seems like a situation where one could justify deceiving one's parents by omission for the ultimate good of a sibling.

I guess I've lived so long with it going on I just assumed it was normal. 

 

I'm still having issues with transportation, however. I don't have much money to drive her to the airport and back, but there is a transit system around where we live. However, I think she's taking a suitcase with her, so it could be awkward riding in a bus all the way to the airport. I'm also thinking of an airport shuttle, but I'm not sure where to have it pick her up.

[Justin Leego]

It sounds like your sister has everything planned out as far as the escape route goes anyway. How come you have to drop her off rather than her making her own way from work?

 

I don't know how your particular airport shuttle works but if there are designated pick-up points along its route then one of those might fit the bill.

[clyde]

Sorry if this post is offensive, but I'm going to make some assumptions because this is a potentially volatile situation. 

 

Does she have more of a plan than buying a one way plane-ticket? If she doesn't have a place to stay planned ahead or a friend that she is going with she could end up in an incredibly vulnerable position. If she's under 18 and alone, she is going to have a really hard time signing a lease and based on what you've said about finances thus far, she doesn't have enough for more than a night's stay at a hotel. Even if she is over 18, if she is planning on showing up in a city alone without a deposit for a lease than she will be depending on the kindness of strangers which makes her incredibly vulnerable to their requests. Obviously I have no idea what is going on in this scenario. For all I know she could be planning to wwoof in order to get some experience to write her third novel, but without any planning her chances of success are minimal and potentially disasterous. 

 

That doesn't mean that she doesn't have options. If she has very little money, then she may want to consider staying with a friend within driving distance. This would allow you to help her out of a bind. If you are having to sell your 360 at a Gamestop in order to make enough gas-money to get her to the airport then I doubt you can afford to buy her a plane-ticket back or wire her some money if things go bad. But if she is staying with a friend nearby, that will provide at least a little bit of breathing-room from your parents and it will be harder for them to extort money from her. 

[Bjorn]

I guess I've lived so long with it going on I just assumed it was normal. 

 

It can take years before you can see how out of the norm some behavior is when you've grown up with it.  I was in my 30s before I realized that my mother had clearly been struggling with some mental health issues throughout my childhood, but I had just taken it as normal, how a mom was supposed to act.  Because I didn't know any differently. 

 

I think it would make people a lot more comfortable commenting here if they knew the ages of you and your sister.  The risks and opportunities for her are a lot different depending on her age.

[Rxanadu]

Sorry if this post is offensive, but I'm going to make some assumptions because this is a potentially volatile situation. 

 

Does she have more of a plan than buying a one way plane-ticket? If she doesn't have a place to stay planned ahead or a friend that she is going with she could end up in an incredibly vulnerable position. If she's under 18 and alone, she is going to have a really hard time signing a lease and based on what you've said about finances thus far, she doesn't have enough for more than a night's stay at a hotel. Even if she is over 18, if she is planning on showing up in a city alone without a deposit for a lease than she will be depending on the kindness of strangers which makes her incredibly vulnerable to their requests. Obviously I have no idea what is going on in this scenario. For all I know she could be planning to wwoof in order to get some experience to write her third novel, but without any planning her chances of success are minimal and potentially disasterous. 

 

That doesn't mean that she doesn't have options. If she has very little money, then she may want to consider staying with a friend within driving distance. This would allow you to help her out of a bind. If you are having to sell your 360 at a Gamestop in order to make enough gas-money to get her to the airport then I doubt you can afford to buy her a plane-ticket back or wire her some money if things go bad. But if she is staying with a friend nearby, that will provide at least a little bit of breathing-room from your parents and it will be harder for them to extort money from her. 

 

We're both above the age of 18. She's staying with a friend where she's going. I don't know what's going on in terms of her personal finances (our family tends to stay away from asking about each other's financial situation), but I think she has a job lined up where she's going. 

[Whimsee]

Obviously this is a matter that involves so many layers that any opinion or advice we share here should be taken with mindful consideration. That said, I have to make some assumptions as well.

 

If she's really set her mind to leave, as long as there's a solid plan in place for it, I don't see anything drastically wrong with it (other than the fact that it is risky and possibly dangerous, of course). Runaways happen but they happen for a reason and it doesn't always mean everything's going down the drain.

 

However, since you mentioned financial troubles involved her to move out, you should also think about or at least plan about what to do after because things will change especially when it involves money.

 

To be honest, if she did plan all these things out solidly and everything on her end works out well, I'm more concerned about you and your parents because this will "just happen" to you suddenly.

[brkl]

Someone above the age of 18 isn't a runaway.

[Dewar]

As long as you aren't on the bus during the height of rush hour, riding in a bus with luggage is a bit of a pain, but definitely do-able. Especially if the bus is going to the airport, that's got to be somewhat common.

 

Another option would be to ship some of it and just take a couple of bags, though that might cost the same as just grabbing a taxi.

[Rxanadu]

I helped her move last Sunday. She's all and well in her new home. My parents were initially livid over the whole ordeal, but they're coming to terms with the fact she's moved out.

[clyde]

Thanks for the update. Sounds like things are working out.

[Bjorn]

Good to know, glad it looks to be working out for everyone.

[Rxanadu]

Thanks for all the help and encouragement here. It was pretty stressful on my end, but I think everything is working itself out.