How I Nearly Died, and somewhere, a cow roams free along the highways...

[Salka]

Something funny happened today.

We had a pretty nasty car crash. As our car skidded uncontrollably between a truck laden with felled trees, and a line of traffic coming in the opposite direction, my initial thought was, “Typically, we crash in the pouring rain on the day I don’t bring my coat.”

A car had pulled out twenty feet in front of us and knocked us out onto the middle of the road. We’d skidded uncontrollably in the rain for about an hour in slow motion, and somehow come to a rest in the center of the road still alive. I seriously don’t know how that happened, because for a long time it seemed like I was going to die. I don’t think anybody realizes how foreboding the horns on Trucks are. But they are like the fucking Muted Trumpet of Death, beckoning you closer to extinction.

Not the funny part yet.

As we finally, finally, finally seemed to come to a safe halt, we sat and gasped for breath for a moment, as one does after escaping death by about a centimetre. For a few seconds we just sat, frozen, with our shoulders hunched and our eyes closed in expectation of that final, fatal blow. Thankfully, it never came, or I probably wouldn't be posting this right now.

Still not the funny part yet.

I counted my fingers, toes, noses, eyes, arms, legs. All the traffic stopped. The car that had knocked us off the road had stopped too, except he had absolutely no damage on account of not being the one flung into oncoming traffic. My Mom put her head forward on the steering wheel and started shaking, and my brother burst in to tears. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried crashing a car into another car and then into a bunch of other stuff that I don’t quite recall, but it’s like being punched in the chest. It’s like little stabs of fire as the seatbelt snaps at you.

I stepped out of the car, feeling dumb because I was in my school uniform, and inspected the front of the car. The door wouldn’t even open properly. I got back inside and said, “It’s a write-off.” At this point, traffic was all over the place and I felt like an idiot for holding it up. While my Mom called the police and started screaming and cursing and crying about how her two children had nearly been killed, the driver of the other car came toddling over. All the mayhem he’d caused seemed to have gone right over his head. He was about 90, bent over double with age, and peered at me over thick rimmed glasses.

“Eh, eh, I’m eh, sorry about that. Looked like you were miles off when I pulled out.”

“Oh.” I said. I didn’t quite know what to say. “Don’t worry about it. I nearly killed a guy on a bobsled once, in Oakwood.”

“But that guy didn’t have TWO FUCKING CHILDREN with him!” Mom screamed incoherently from the car.

I shifted my weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other and put my hands in my pockets. At this point, rain was dripping off my hair and into my pockets, and I was cold and wet. “So, are you… are you alright?” I asked awkwardly.

“Eh, I’m eh, fine.” He said. “Thank the good lord you didn’t hit that truck, eh? Eh?”

“I’m a fucking ATHEIST.” Mom screaming, trying to unhitch herself from the seatbelt so she could kill him.

We waited around twenty minutes anxiously. Finally, the police car cruised by. In fact, it cruised right past us about ten yards, then stopped, slowly reversed, and one of them rolled down the window.

“Did you call?” He yelled from inside the car. After a moment of thought, he added, “For the police?” just to clarify it.

“Yes.” I said, because it seemed like the most sensible thing to say.

And then -I swear to god this is all true- they parked there, right in the middle of the road, to FINISH THEIR ICECREAMS. The traffic had to drive around them while they finished their icecreams. I mean, as if it wasn’t bad enough eating icecreams in this sort of weather, they had stopped in the middle of the road to do it, and they were supposed to be at the scene of an accident. But I waited patiently. Finally, they stepped out of the car, pulling their hoods over their heads as they waddled over to us.

“Now, where’s this cow?” The Tall One asked.

I stared at him blankly. There was a weird emotion welling up inside me, like a mixture between bitter laughter and tears of despair. I hadn't cried when I thought I was going to die. I hadn't cried when I realized I was still alive. I hadn't cried when I'd seen the damage to the car and realized how lucky we'd all just been. But now I felt like crying, because everything was completely crazy. My bottom lip trembled as I stared back at them, because I thought they were joking and it seemed like a really cruel joke. They stared back earestly.

“What?” I asked finally, incredulous.

“Escaped cow on the road?”

“No!” I slapped a hand on my forehead in disbelief. “A car crash! Look! There! Right there!”

They paused, both of them. Then, very slowly, they turned around to look to where my finger was pointing, to a tangle of broken glass, metal, two cars and a truck laden with felled trees. There was a confused silence as they silently surveyed the mangled mayhem of cars and the backlog of traffic stretching two miles down the road on either side.

“Ah, yes,” Said the Short One finally, “I was just about to ask about that.”

.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

I'm just glad you and your family are all right. Go have some hot tea and check on your mum, sounds like she needs a good bit of comforting.

[Salka]

My chest hurts, but that's about it. What a great excuse for not getting my homework done tonight!!!

It was terrifying, but also really funny. I tend to see the funny side to everything. Including this part: I phoned my brother and asked him to come and check out the SCENE OF THE CRIME (man, that sounds cool, even if it's not actually accurate), and when he got here he gave the Thumbs Up, Idle Thumbs style, to the Police who, at this point, were still asking at what point did the cow get on to the road.

"Thanks for getting here so fast!" He yelled.

And I burst into laughter.

THIS PART IS NOT FUNNY: I have to walk two miles in to town tomorrow morning to catch the 6:15am bus to Waterford, to get in to school. Forecasts predict it will be raining heavily.

[RLacey]

Oh well. At least you're OK.

[Salka]

I get the feeling nobody else is finding this event quite as funny as I did.

[RLacey]

I get the feeling nobody else is finding this event quite as funny as I did.

You want us to find it funny? Ah, OK...

[Salka]

RLacey:

so what have you been up to other than mocking death himself in a deft display of escapism?

Yufster:

Massaging my chest

RLacey:

you should post that exact phrase on the forums - you'd be bound to get some desperately unfunny sexual innuendo

....

[Erkki]

It seems sensible that they finished their icecreams though. Melted icecreams and cars don't go together.

Glad you're ok.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

I get the feeling nobody else is finding this event quite as funny as I did.

Of course it would be funny, but from another angle. Like I said, I was concerned about you and your family. I hope you can appreciate that.

[MrHoatzin]

I find it hillarious, darling.

[Salka]

Thanks Trepstud

The only thing wrong with me is that I've just been told I'm not getting a note off my homework tomorrow

EDIT:

Thanks, also, Kingz.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

I find it hillarious, darling.

So much so that you misspelled a word. Darling.

[Wormsie]

I get the feeling nobody else is finding this event quite as funny as I did.

Well, I found it hilarious!

EDIT: Whoa, only a few minutes and a thousand replies have appeared.

[Salka]

And yet he won't get on AIM.

Bastard.

[Wormsie]

I bet eleven dollars Yufster isn't going to thank me. But I don't care as I'm not going to lose anything.

[Salka]

Thanks, Deadsie Sweetyhunnypies

[Wormsie]

SEE? She did thank Deadsie Sweetyhunnypies, though, who hasn't even posted in this thread yet.

[Salka]

You're so damanding. What else could you possibly want from me? I give you love and attention, and you just want more, more love, and more attention. All the time.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Incidentally, someone by the name of Deadsie Sweetyhunnypies has just registered, Rusalka. You've been warned.

[Deadsie Sweetyhunnypies]

Thanks, Deadsie Sweetyhunnypies

I happened to stumble upon this website, and I heard my name mentioned!

No problem, Yufster, my love!

Signed,

Deadsie Sweetyhunnypies

[Wormsie]

You're so damanding. What else could you possibly want from me? I give you love and attention, and you just want more, more love, and more attention. All the time.

I don't actually remember anymore. It might have something to do with the fact that you once said I'm an idiot because the developers of Escape from Monkey Island were so stupid that they added a completely unnecessary twist to the Monkey Combat sequence.

But I might be wrong...

[Guest]

Glad to hear you guys are alright.

Glad to also hear the Police have their priorities right It's great to know that they are as observant of the events happening around them, as they are the events happening right underneath their nose.

I suppose the question must be asked though, What the F*ck were the police eating Icecreams for, in the blistering rain?

[Intrepid Homoludens]

< seriously considers starting an 'Official How Would You Seduce Deadsie Sweetyhunnypies deadworm? Thread' thread >

[Guest]

Dude, that's just spam!

[Guest]

And I TOTALLY...never spam on these forums.

Ever.

http://forums.idlethumbs.net/showthread.php?t=1031