Key Features

[Fenror]

I've been amusing myself with this for a couple of years now and I was thinking maybe you guys would like it too. What I do is look for funny "key features" in Steam games (most games have a key features section on their store page). Some of this shit is hilarious. Here are a few recent ones:

 

3079 -- Block Action RPG: "Complete storyline that has a start, middle and end"

 

Hero of the Kingdom (seriously): "Meet dozens of people and fulfill many various quests"

 

Dragon's Prophet: "DRAGONS EVERYWHERE"

 

Let's see what you can find!

[Apelsin]

I am quite fond of most of the key features of Marlow Briggs and the Mask of Death, but my favorite has to be:

 

"Save the ENTIRE planet"

[feelthedarkness]

EYE Divine Cybermancy (first, could there be a better name for a video game?) - Psychological and mental trauma management.

[TychoCelchuuu]

Nancy Drew®: Ghost Dogs of Moon Lake includes such gems as "You must solve the mystery before the hounds catch your scent! Dare to Play™!" and "Take photos of birds and collect bugs."

[Cleinhun]

Nancy Drew®: Ghost Dogs of Moon Lake

It makes my life better just knowing that is the name of an actual video game.

[Sno]

When i saw this thread, i instantly felt like i knew of a bunch of games that probably had really dumb store write-ups, but when i looked into them, they were all pretty bland.

So that's my contribution to this topic: Failure.

[Laco]

Super Amazing Wagon Adventure: "See how long you can last against an infinite pack of wolves or a limitless stream of bears."

Call of Duty®: Ghosts: "Give your soldier a sniper rifle and he'll behave like a sniper, and an SMG guy will be more run and gun."

Sniper Elite Nazi Zombie Army 2: "Revel in the return of the infamous X-ray kill cam as your bullets purify the putrid insides of the undead in slow motion."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... Video Games.

[SecretAsianMan]

Not technically a key feature but this was in the press release for a game called Conception II: Children of the Seven Stars

 

"When two game companies love each other very much, a magical thing happens.  ALTUS and Spike Chunsoft didn't use protection when localizing and publishing together and are now the proud parents of the turn-based RPG Conception II: Children of the Seven Stars"

 

"Disciples will have to combine their powers to 'create' Star Children who can fight for them in battle"

 

"Let's put it this way... it brings a new meaning to the phrase 'after-school activities'"

[Zeusthecat]

Not technically a key feature but this was in the press release for a game called Conception II: Children of the Seven Stars

 

Wow, that's pretty awesome.