Narcissist PUAs

[Salka]

I don't think you did. Off-colour jokes are fine anyway, everyone makes jokes about men or women or foreigners or guitarists or whatever else, and most of the time it's all just fun. It's only when people don't know the difference between jokes and reality, which overall isn't very often these days, I find... unless they're mentalists.

So, I was going through old emails and I found the last communication I ever had with my dad! I'm genuinely a little proud of it. So, you'll need some background here: my dad was still living at home but separated from my mum, although he was still being violent towards her. I was living in Brighton. I had gotten back into contact with my dad in recent times only because his son from a former relationship (my half brother) had got into contact with me.

Then my aunt died, Pauline. My dad had never made any secret of hating her. When I was in Ireland for the funeral with Spaff, my dad called my mum. He goaded her about the death of her sister, made a cruel joke about the size of her coffin (she was a larger lady) and randomly decided to say that he'd found out where Spaff's family live and was going to beat Spaff up. Basically, he just went on a massive hate-filled lunatic rant. My mum hung up and started crying. I was furious.

I was going to leave it be - at the time I felt there wasn't much I could do because there was always the threat of my dad trying to actually take revenge that he said he would, for instance he would always threaten my mum that he knew where her parents lived and he'd burn their house to the ground if she ever tried to have him arrested. So I thought I'd just leave it be for a while.

But then when I got back to the UK, I received this email from my Dad:

(Darragh is Pauline's son, Sarah is her daughter, Liam was her husband).

Don't worry about Ade

She is obviously very saddened by this

But she has taken it well

And all reports from Darragh and the rest have been

That she died peacefully

Pity she died quite so young though (49)

The kids will miss her big time

And Christmas will be unbearable without her

How very sad for Daragh and Sarah

Also for Liam

Anyway….just to let you know that

I am doing everything possible to help mum

In this difficult and emotional. moment in time.

She is very sad though

And she looks rather vulnerable

I think I prefer the tough old boot Ade

I hate to see her sad like that.

Bob

Well I pretty much flipped out because at the time I knew he was tormenting my mum, and you know, after that phone call where he taunted my mum over the death of her sister, and threatened to beat up Spaff/his family for absolutely no reason at all... well, this is the reply I sent.

(Finn is my brother who at the time, was the only person who had any time for my dad).

You're not fooling anybody. Stop pretending to care or something. I

don't know who you think you are fooling.

Anyway, I've made a decision about you because I really can't take

your insane bullshit any more.

I heard your phonecall to Ade while we were in the restaurant. if you

actually do get involved in anything to do with James' family... well,

as you probably know, his family do have the power to have you

committed... you know what that means, I take it, since you have

apparently been committed at some other point in your life.

Your problem is that you're full of threats and very little action,

but in growing up with you as my example, I promise you I can be just

as threatening but I WILL take action on the things I say. I would

love to see you committed, where you belong and can't cause any more

trouble, and the moment I think it's required or that you're a danger

or threat to my family, then I will make sure it happens.

You seem to think that all the people you know think you're a

wonderful, great, funny guy. That's not true, I've met a great many

people who you believe like you, who are simply humouring you.

I'm not taking your pathetic bullshit any more, and I'm quite tired of

seeing other people have to take it either.

Now why don't you get a job and move out of the house, or do something

with your life that isn't sitting around pretending to be ill,

pretending to work, and trying to get the better of other people

because they're succeeding more than you ever will.

I also heard you were concerned about the size of Pauline's coffin.

No, it wasn't extra large, but the funeral was attended by an awful

lot of people... far more, I can assure you, than will ever attend

yours. If I were you I'd put a little less effort into making snide

remarks about the death of loved ones, and more effort into sorting

yourself out so that your funeral is a less humiliating event for Finn

to attend.

This is a very serious warning... leave everybody alone and sort

yourself out, or I will make sure you are dealt with the way people

like you are best dealt with... thrown behind bars and left to think

about what a hopelessly nasty cunt you are.

He never replied. A week later, after a quarter of a century of tormenting, beating and bullying my Mum, he moved out of the house suddenly, and never told her why, and never went back.

I feel like it was an epic victory and I'm glad I saved the word "cunt" till the end.

Also: EPIC DRAMZ.

[Roderick]

This was so great, and all I can think of is the Hooray For You audio clip!

[Nappi]

This is a deeply upsetting thread.

Sorry to hear you and the rest of your family have had to endure all that, Yufster. Sounds like you have coped with it admirably, though!

[Nachimir]

He never replied. A week later, after a quarter of a century of tormenting, beating and bullying my Mum, he moved out of the house suddenly, and never told her why, and never went back.

That's an incredible victory. Well done!

[Armchair General]

Whoa, that is some heavy stuff. Don't take this the wrong way (I'm not very good with words, I don't know if you have children, you may have done this already) but you might want to seriously consider talking to a professional about things you have been through.

You will probably find that when you have children, there will be things you will think and do as a parent that will jog your memory and bring back horrible feelings as you realise just how bad what happened to you and your family were. The realisation that you would never ever come close to doing to your children what somebody else did to you can absolutely break you. You might not, and probably can't, see it coming as those memories and thoughts are buried deep.

I've made a few assumptions, so if I am off the mark just ignore me and I apologise if that's the case. Your Dad really does justify the use of the C word.

[Thyroid]

Yeah, Yufster: I sincerely doubt there's anything wrong with you, and I know this isn't the point of the thread, but Armchair is right about you checking-up with a professional. It might help sort-out the last odds and ends of that particular experience, in case there's anything left to sort-out.

more effort into sorting yourself out so that your funeral is a less humiliating event for Finn to attend.

Yufster's dad got burned.

[syntheticgerbil]

I can't resist saying this, but Yufster, what's up with your dad writing all of that in some kind of weird poetry spacing?

But the rest... fuuuuuuck. I'll throw my hat in the therapy ring, just in case, even without any kind of major neurotic breakdowns or freakouts. Sorry to hear about all of this.

[Ben X]

Or you could just post in the Life thread. We're all pretty much qualified therapists.

[Salka]

I know, he wrote all his emails like poems, it was very odd. Probably a mixture of narcissism and idiocy. There was another particularly irritating one he wrong in my inbox too, I think it was second to last before I sent him the angry one. Things to take note of:

1. My mum didn't drink at all back then, he is lying. Also she doesn't smoke!

2. He hates Christmas

3. He tried to kill my rabbit once when he was angry, but his kick missed

4. My mum does not care about money, if she did she wouldn't have been with my dad for a start...

5. ...However, my dad is obsessed with associating himself with wealthy folk...

6. My dad hates churches and despises religious people. He would not help out at a local church.

7. He hated being referred to as 'dad'.

So bearing those points in mind...

Hi Rusalka!

I hope this short email finds you in good form

I was thinking about what you said about smoking

And have decided too give it up!

Me and your mum have smoked for years

So it will take some getting used too

But I intend giving it a go….

Funny really….I have just been telling your mum too cut down on her drinking

Ironic as I don't really drink anymore

And all the empty gin bottles are not mine

And that's the truth!

she is well and happy though

thats the main thing

The kids are all fine

And looking forward to Christmas

As children do….

Olivia has a kitten

She loves it!

It is rather cute

I remember your rabbit!

Hmmmm

You kept it in your room

But with no cage

And your room smelt like nothing on earth

You were a good kid though

So it was worth the smell

I am pleased that you and James Spafford are happy

and you seem too love each other

Mum says its great that his folks have money

I suppose both reasons are valid

we are both happy for you

I am going down to Piltown now

I am helping out at the local church

They are a helpless bunch

And I don't mind giving them a hand

Well…take care…

And don't drink or take drugs

Or do anything illegal

Love

Dad

x

It's like he tries to pander to the image he thinks people want to have of him, but is it just me, or is it incredibly transparent? And again with the poetry...

Re mental health stuff: I did lots of research and inquiries about stuff related to mental health after all this, don't worry. I spoke to a tutor at Uni one time who said he'd had a similar upbringing and was fine until his 30s, when he just had a total mental breakdown for a bit (his upbringing also involved a lot of religious nonsense too though). But I've prepared myself pretty well and I'm genuinely not scarred from it, and I have a lot of good friendships and healthy relationships, so all seems to be well.

I'd like to get a blog together that details some of the aspects of my upbringing, in a way that is hopefully interesting and people could take something from it if they were also survivors, or trying to understand a situation they are in, etc. It would be ideal if it was also something that people could find by searching my name or my dad's name (or the false name that he used the entire time he knew my mum), as it would take away his ability to hide and lie about his past. Everyone googles everyone else, let's face it...

I don't know about the legality of this, I mean obviously I wouldn't say anything that wasn't true, and there are always witnesses to the things that happened to us, but where would I stand if he wanted it shut down and claimed defamation of character? I imagine if you're a narcissist who lives your life by taking advantage of people who don't know what kind of person you are, having it out there on the internet for any potential victim to find would be a bit devastating...

I mean, that's assuming his current girlfriend even knows his real name.

[Roderick]

(or the false name that he used the entire time he knew my mum)

[Nachimir]