This Deserves To Be Read And We Have No-where To Put It: The Thread

[Orv]

Exactly what it sounds like. Have a great quote from some section of the internet that relates to gaming but doesn't exactly equate to something we have a thread for? Right then.

So sometimes people get really mad at racing games. Warning, mildly-creative profanity.

Bizzare Creations. You son of a bitch.

Riddle me this, Batdick: When your limey asses were out in Yokohama and Germany and whatever other fucking bassackwards countries taking photos and playing around in the myriad of cars that appear in your game, did the following conversation occur?

"Hello, Queer McSlimdick! Fine day for some racing in our five billion dollar novelty automobiles, isn't it?"

"You fucking bet it is. Hey, how about we say to hell with it and just totally fucking scrap these auto junkies' wet dreams?"

"I do declare Slimdick, you is a smart sumbitch."

"I became gay because no woman would ever be attracted to my hideous physical attributes."

"Can you believe I get paid to do this shit?"

BECAUSE IT NICELY SUMS UP THE EXACT NATURE OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING AI. HOMOSEXUAL AND STUPID.

About the 9,999,999,999th time I got cock-blocked by a Ford Focus an applause sign went off over my television and I just stood and fucking clapped for two hours, because this asinine effort at creating a digital opponent deserves awards for how badly you fucked it up. Accolades, motherfuckers. A statue of each and every fucking one of you dickheaps even remotely involved in the development of the AI needs to be erected in the fucking Smithsonian, showcased in a special section which I would call "CONTEMPORARY WAR CRIMINALS."

CONFUSED READER: PERHAPS YOU ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH WHAT EXACTLY HAS EATEN MY GILBERT GRAPES IN THIS INTERPUTER COMWEBSCREEN MESSAGE? AN ELABORATION FOLLOWS.

In Project Gotham Racing 2, there are a series of challenges called Street Races. The goal? Merely place in the corresponding place as dictated by the difficulty you have chosen prior to starting the race. For example, you need but place in third to earn a lowly steel medal. To earn better medals, simply ramp the difficulty up, the highest being platinum.

On the lower difficulties, hey, the game's not a problem. The other players are practically civil and quite sane. They stay the fuck out of your way. But once you hit gold difficulty and above, ho ho, here's where the blood vessels in my eyes begin to burst from all the activity my brain's making trying to comprehend the logic behind the AI's abysmal behavior.

HERE'S WHERE YOU BUCK-TOOTHED DOILY-DICKERS MESS THINGS UP. As one would deduce, the challenge in a street race comes not from the clock or a series of obstacles, but rather your fellow racers' collective abilities. And who are your fellow racers composed of?

BIZZARE CREATIONS HAS BUILT A TIME MACHINE HEWN FROM THE BONES OF STILLBORNS TO GO BACK IN TIME AND COLLECT EVERY FUCKING RETARDED KID YOU EVER MADE FUN OF IN HIGH SCHOOL. THEY THEN SNUCK INTO YOUR ROOM WHILE YOU SLEPT, STUCK THEIR FLOPPY WEENIES INTO YOUR SLACK JAW, CRAMMED ALL THESE RETARDS INTO YOUR XBOX, AND THEN TOOK PICTURES. I HAVE THIS SHIT ON RECORD, LIMPWRIST.

And then all the retards clamber into their Enzo Ferraries and Porsche Boxsters and proceed to annoy the everloving fuck out of me. ON PURPOSE.

On Steel on up to Silver, these drooling simpletons are oblivious as to the function of their transports. They have not yet mastered the art of mashing their mishapened foot/tentacle on the long skinny pedal, much less utilizing the hand-brake to any respectable degree.

But suddenly on Gold, WATCH OUT. BUZZY YUCKLESMITH HAS JUST BECOME HELL ON WHEELS AND NONE SHALL BE SPARED UNTIL HE GETS HIS ANIMAL COOKIES AND NAP TIME. Now every god damned driver has pulled their collective lumpy heads from their asses and are grade-A numba one GO KICKY FAST OKAY DRIVER MANS. Dale Earnhardt's ghost is bending over these special seeds of God and giving them a shot in the ass.

Suddenly these drivers are now that much more self-aware. So self-aware, actually, that they will go out of their damn ways to wreck your stupid ass every time you approach a turn of any mitigating degree. Merrily turning along here, and here comes a shitty little Volkswagon to sideswipe you and peel off into the sunset to clumsily rape your girlfriend. It's like a big fucking blue shiny dog nose cramming itself into your crotch at a 120 MPH. HELLO MASTER I WOULD LIKE A SNACK. THE PRICE? YOUR ABSOLUTE AND UTTER FAILURE IN THIS EVENT ONCE AGAIN.

It's no longer a fucking simple race. It's no longer about your ability to master the subtleties of your car and memorize the optimal turning points on a course. It's a fucking destruction derby of fagnanimous proportions. All the cars except the one in the lead are just there to block your way and nudge your car into brick walls should you dip a mile or two under your car's max speed. It's the cross-eyed fuckwit in the front that's pissing me off the most.

And who's at the front of the line? Why, it's Captain McShit! He's the three-armed farting psycho boy on the short bus, in case you were wondering. You can tell it's him from his Rainman-esque ability to flawlessly corner, turn, and accelerate his funnycar at every given oppurtunity on any fucking course. YOU CANNOT CATCH ME, FOR I IS MADE OF THE GINGERBREADS. Seriously, this motherfucker just peels at the drop of the flag and you don't see this shitbarn for days. Weeks. He takes a grand fucking tour of china twice before your busted ass begins to see the finish line glint on the horizon.

Fucking hell, Bizarre. This game works in math, you assholes. I can't fucking compete against math. I still have trouble hitting the toilet when I take a shit; what the hell makes you think I have the manual dexterity to wrestle a goddamn XBox controller to hit a 50 point line on every fucking turn on the Nurburgring? Do you understand you've practically taken the strategy out of racing and replaced it with an exercise in pure frustration? Watch a normal race; you tell me if the men driving their multi-million dollar toys are ramming each other like a bunch of enraged sperm and crashing and then laughing it all off.

Now the Street Race challenges are about finding a way to ram and crash the lead car before he gets too fucking far ahead. Brilliant! In which case, you should rename the challenge to something more appropriate, such as ANNEURISMS AHOY.

This problem could have been avoided had you provided the ability to turn collisions off, like you do in online Exhibition games. I've talked to the people who play no-collision-exhibitions online and the reason they do it is because they don't want to deal with the rampant retard factor apparent in the Kudos (read: NORMAL) races.

SO YOU'VE PROGRAMMED A BUNCH OF FUCKING GRIEFERS INTO THE GAME. CONGRATULATIONS, SHITSPIT, YOU GET TO DRINK FROM THE FIREHOSE.

Why the fuck are you doing this to me? What gross fucking tragedy have I wrought against you? What train of thought did you follow in order to come to the conclusion that what you did was a good thing? What thicklipped cromagnon looked you right in the eye, unblinking, and said "Yes, this artificial behavior is acceptable and becoming of human behavior itself?" I want to skullfuck the menenges out of his rattling softspots and write the following message on a wall with my bloody cock: STOP MAKING SHITTY AI.

Supplementary:

Edited April 3, 2012 by Orvidos

[Thompson]

I see.

[Orv]

Look at least he correctly spelled "griefers".

Also we need a thread for just quotes and junk, so now we have one.

[Lu]

"Gamer rage."

[TheLastBaron]

I'm really torn, I want to like that guy because that was a very entertaining read, but then I don't want to like that guy because he wrote that. But then I want to like him because he looks exactly like Jack Black.

[Orv]

Actually, the guy and the picture of Jack Black are separate. The guy was mimicking a post about F-Zero some years ago. But, the picture of Jack Black there is actually Jack Black, who took that picture and sent it to the developers themselves when he completed the game.

I have the F-Zero post here but it is considerably less humorous and more offensive than funny.

Edited April 3, 2012 by Orvidos

[TheLastBaron]

I'm really torn, I want to like that guy because that was a very entertaining read and now it seems he's actually funny and not an angry douche, but then I don't want to like him because he's not Jack Black.

[ThunderPeel2001]

Haha! It's funny because he used gayness to mean bad.

Clever.

[Twig]

Haha! It's funny because he used gayness to mean bad.

Clever.

I find it hard to blame just that. I thought it was unfunny period.

SORRY ORV

[Orv]

I find it hard to blame just that. I thought it was unfunny period.

SORRY ORV

I changed the title of the first post to reflect it. Don't worry about it. Late night sleep-deprivation posting has never gone well.

[Nachimir]

I found it funny that he got so wound up. I think it is okay to laugh at people sometimes for posting long, stupid rants on the internet. He didn't mean it to be funny, he just took all the flaws in the game very personally. As if a team of coders would read:

Why the fuck are you doing this to me? What gross fucking tragedy have I wrought against you? What train of thought did you follow in order to come to the conclusion that what you did was a good thing? What thicklipped cromagnon looked you right in the eye, unblinking, and said "Yes, this artificial behavior is acceptable and becoming of human behavior itself?" I want to skullfuck the menenges out of his rattling softspots and write the following message on a wall with my bloody cock: STOP MAKING SHITTY AI.

then think "Oooh, right! Yeah". His rant is so far removed from the motives and pressures of working at a studio that I find it hard not to laugh at him. I want him to spend years of his life trying to make games instead of shouting at developers "You just have to make the game good. Fucking simple!".

I don't think Orvidos is posting it in agreement, though after skimming the first few lines of the post I got a little confused and thought "Oh man. Orv is a massive homophobe?" due to the major part of it not being in quote tags.

[Iosef Stalin]

AI players are pretty bad, but real players are often not much better. I've been playing World of Tanks again recently, and holy hell are players in that game dumb. Or at least the players on your team.

Half the enemy team is experienced clan players who know exactly what they are doing and flank and work as a team. Meanwhile your team is composed of the clown car division; the guy in the heavy tank with the medium gun equipped "I prefer the rate of fire!", the guy in the Maus super heavy tank going up the steep hill at 5km/h "i'm flanking!" the guy in the scout tank sitting behind a rock doing nothing, the guy who parks up your ass and prevents you from getting back into cover... :frusty:

[Orv]

No Nach, this was definitely just something I found and laughed at.

Iosef, WoT is an exercise in heart conditions for me. At this point I just have to have a couple drinks in me and have something like Great Big Sea on to keep my spirits up. Pubbies are the worst.

[Sno]

I have the F-Zero post here but it is considerably less humorous and more offensive than funny.

I'm going to guess it was specifically about about F-Zero GX. I have never been as angry at a another game as i was playing through the mission mode in that. Holy shit, what a nightmare. I finished it though, and in an insane fit of masochism, I did it again on the highest difficulty. My greatest triumph!

I love and hate that game.

I would like for Nintendo to make another one.

[Orv]

I'm going to guess it was specifically about about F-Zero GX. I have never been as angry at a another game as i was playing through the mission mode in that. Holy shit, what a nightmare. I finished it though, and in an insane fit of masochism, I did it again on the highest difficulty. My greatest triumph!

I love and hate that game.

I would like for Nintendo to make another one.

It is, yeah. He got mad as hell at it and was uh, rather needlessly vulgar. I remember the AI in that game being pretty incredible bullshit, like he talks about. Even the heaviest, most boost sucking craft suddenly has max speed and handling without a single boost.

[Sno]

In the main grand prix mode, the AI generally obeyed the rules the game had laid out, and in some cases couldn't actually drive the courses as well as the player potentially could.

It was only the mission mode that was an exercise in super dickery. (To incredible degrees.)

[castorp]

In spirit with this threads title: A comment regarding Stacking. Okay, probably not that interesting, but it confused me and made me smile and I wanted to share it with you. So many big words, so much ideology just for little Stacking. Maybe someone can even enlighten me where he's coming from or what his point is...

I don't like the goal I'm given in Stacking.

I have to practically create the institution of childhood - a very disgusting goal.

I stopped playing halfway through the game, at the Baron's zeppelin, where I was clearly shown that kids were supposed to be incompetent, unfit to do any serious job, that they were "naturally" interested in fairy tales and toys (as if adults cannot be interested in stories and games).

So, as a kid in Stacking, I had to contribute to the creation of the candy unicorn land, where children cannot own property, cannot work, cannot own themselves, thus falling into another slavery, and we're supposed to believe that it's slavery that we're saving them from.

Also, in a game featuring Matryoshka dolls, I would expect to see why communism is much more terrible than anything capitalism can do. It's ironic that in the train station near the ticket desks there's a poster, showing kids with shovels with a glorious shining sun behind them - this was supposed to represent children, enslaved by capitalism, but the fact is that it's communism that did that. In capitalism children no longer had to work because society got richer, and it's communism that produced such propaganda posters and enslaved both adults and kids with obligatory hard work.

I also didn't like how the whole game was scripted. Similar games, like the eco-fundie Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus and the nihilistic Messiah also feature possession of NPCs and puzzles based on this possession, but in these games the NPCs have reactions to your actions, they're suspicious to what you're doing etc. Not the case in Stacking.

I bought most of Double Fine's games twice, I supported their Kickstarter and I don't regret spending money on Stacking because of the general idea that the studio stands for. The fact is that I don't like the games themselves though.[/Quote]

[Thompson]

It feels like every time they write a sentence that might make sense they cut it short to start another tangent; not that it would make much more sense if they wrote it properly. It seems to me that they're rambling about the game being a piece of communist propaganda which suggests that children are slaves under capitalism.

I think?

[Orv]

I think he might be a conspiracy nut? I'm not really sure.

Maybe conspiracy isn't the right idea? Uh, fundamentalist? Man, I don't know, he sounds like his crazy is pulling him in fifteen directions.