The pianist with Tourette's

[Scrobbs]

An out of work pianist with Tourette’s syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho, one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the wind, "Pianist wanted for evening performances".

"Fucking get in there you cunt!", he says to himself and goes to the bar.

"Get the fucking manager of this pig-shit middle class wankhole please, you cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?"

"Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition. Wanker!"

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner, but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful! What was that called?"

"That song, you big nosed twat, was called 'Excuse me, Prime Minister, but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye and now the cunt is blind'."

"Oh", says the manager, "er, can you play me another? Something a little less lively?"

"Wanker!" interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. Through his salty teardrops, he asked him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end'."

"I see", said the manager, "have you any songs with less offensive titles?"

"Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got gorgeous jugs'."

"Look", says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist, but the titles of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."

"Fuck it", said the pianist. "Why not?"

On his first night, everything is going superbly; the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting him off is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has such a stonking hard-on, that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he's shot his load, he hears himself being re-introduced over the PA, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. "Hi", she says in a sultry voice.

"Hello", he winces, trying hard to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know you cock is hanging out of your trousers and cum is dribbling onto your shoes?"

"Know it?", says the pianist putting his beer onto the bar confidently...

"I fucking wrote it".

[elmuerte]

meh.... it was ok

[toblix]

Disappointing. It has some great ideas, but they're buried so deep you probably won't want to spend the time digging them up. If I saw it somewhere I might look at it.

[Roderick]

Well, that was elaborate, and of course a gross misrepresentation of what Tourette's actually is. But actually, I'm not that fond of gags anyway. Situational comedy is much more preferable.

[DanJW]

Ah, a classic variation on The Aristocrats.

[Salka]

I loved it because it was really long and pointless and had an hilariously shit and cheap offensive punchline, which is the kind of humour that really appeals to me. I know that sounds really sarcastic, but I'm being perfectly serious.

[Spaff]

old.