December 1, 2017 Four hours since leaving home, who knows how many 'til you get there, and only the idle putts of the outboard motor have broken the silence. Silence so thick it's suffocating, to the point that you don't know what will happen if you actually do say something. You almost did early on, but you saw it in its eyes: the nervous anticipation, the anxiety, the fear sweating out of that cartoon cap when it saw you open your mouth, and spared you both the embarrassment. But... Maybe it's not both of you, maybe it's just you. Maybe the cap has no clue what to say to you because you never say anything to it. Maybe if you opened up a little, people would be interested, they'd reciprocate, they'd share too. Maybe you'd be able to start making friends again, have a goddamn life. You realize you've spent so long thinking about this that it wouldn't make sense to talk now, so you just stay quiet. The puttering slows then stops, replaced by the hissing and servos of the ship’s landing gear, as the door whizzes open and meets the ground with a clank. You sigh and reach for the cap, avoiding its gaze as you put it on your head, then look out onto a new world. "Let's-a go."

Discussed: The number 314, Super Mario Odyssey, Nintendo Switch, the Wii U Curse, Doom (2016), Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus, Waluigi's Demon Keeper: A Doom Game, backseat game development, Super Mario Bros. 3 McDonald's Happy Meal Goomba, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, Mario Time, ugh those Super Mario Odyssey rabbits, Super Mario Mumblecore Roadtrip, Donkey Kong, Pauline's revenge, upcoming Mario film, Minions: A Feast for Bacchus - Total War, Crusader Kings II: Minions Nation DLC, Charles Martinet, the triple-A game design spectrum, fine-toothed special-case comb, Steam Link, Thimbleweed Park, Bomber Crew, Steam, Terroir, wacky upbeat klezmer, boosting the marketing phrase, the arc of microtransactions over time, J Allard, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, World of Warcraft, Xbox One X, game fatigue, Nick Breckon

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