Salka

Martin Freeman kicks ass. God, Rlacey, I despise you.

'Baccy, maybe you can help, since you have a Zen too. It would be real nice if mine let me upload WAV files on to it without putting them in to slow goddamn motion. What's with that? I have a lot of movie quotes and Bushisms and Bill Hicks stuff and things like that, that I like to keep on my Zen to share with people, because that's the kind of thing I do. While the Bushisms seem fine, and the Bill Hicks stuff, a lot of the stuff seems to play back in slow motion. What. Happen. There isn't even a slow motion feature on them. And for good reason. It's really fucking irritating.

To be honest, I figured that somebody had just thought it a typo... but I really did want a chance to say 'Tim Burton is a big cunt', and now I've said it twice, so I think this thread is quite a personal success story.

Is there some sort of debate going on in the Staff Forum about the spelling of this thread title or something? Because if it helps, it's spelled 'wonka', but I spelled it 'wanka' in order for it to sound more like 'wanker'. If you're really having a problem deciding what to do with the thread title, why not just replace it with 'Tim Burton is a big cunt'? I'm pretty sure it'll be a lot easier to figure out how to censor that.

Is that like Cricket? And wasn't the MLB season just cancelled? I think somebody should buy exclusive third party rights to Gene Wilder. Hey, d'ya suppose that can be done? And then what if I wanted to make a game with a character in it called Jerome Silberman? Do they own ALL of his names? Is it like a 'buy one, get one free' deal with actors? Buy Gene Wilder now, and recieve his REAL name for free! Plus a free DVD for the first ten bidders. And the DVD is a remastered version of Willy Wonka. Where is your Whimsy, EA? Where is your whimsy? I can't remember if it's 'I before E except after C' or 'I before E except before C', and I also can't remember the exceptions to this rule. "Take this, EA games! We have the rights to BASEBALL!" "Baseball? Is that like Cricket?" "Hi! I'm George."

Oh. I see. Well, then. I see.

Those magazines are 17.50 Euro over here. I think the cheapest ones are 12.99.

The second book was partly located in Outer Space. Reminds me of the DFAC, actually. The acting in the Original was fine. Especially Gene Wilder, he was fantastic, but all the other actors were brilliant too. The sets, well, I guess they look pretty weak in comparison to stuff you'd see today, but as a musical it wasn't bad. I love Pure Imagination, and it's one of my favourite songs of all time... Cheer Up Charlie was lovely, and I absolutely love the poem that Wonka sings, slowly growing more and more hysterical, on the Paddle Boat.... at times the music dragged on, but I feel like that with ALL musicals, Disney ones and all. I disagree that the only real value of the movie is as a stoner movie... I think it was a charming, heartfelt, funny movie, with a lot of hilarious performing by Gene Wilder. And yet, besides being a terrific family movie, it ALSO works as a stoner movie! I mean, what more could you ask for, really? I seriously think you should give it another try. I hope you'll like it. I think you will.

Also, it doesn't seem that Tim Burton is being too finicky about sticking to the book either. There was never a back story about Willy Wonka's father in the book, and from what little I have seen of Wonka so far, he doesn't seem like the wild, wacky Wonka that's described in the book either. I'm going to dig up my old copy of the book and find the part where it describes Willy Wonka's goddamn HAIR.

Uh, there was no third book. What are you talking about? I realize it isn't a remake, but Tim Burton can't honestly expect people not to compare the two movies. The Original Movie did not suck ass. Perhaps a lot of American people didn't understand it or something. Why didn't you like it? Why did it 'suck ass' for you?

Maybe I'm not thinking about it hard enough...

What, now it's 'ledge'? Is that like the following; Muppet, Tool, Spanner, Finnula, Spa? You big ledge, you. wtf. I'm gonna invent an insult. 'Walkway'. You big walkway, you!

And since Redwall has brought it to my attention, Doom 3 for any award at all?

Uh, believe it or not, that was an actual typo. In other news, Tim Burton says that the book never cleared up what happened to Willy afterwards. Does he even know there's a second book?

San Andreas for best Writing?

Big Shit was crap.

I think the second book would make an awesome movie, but not if it had anything to do with Tim 'shitfucker' Burton or Johnny 'I'm so insane look at me I'm crazy wooo crazy yay I'm Willy Wonka woo wooo YEAH I can freestyle RHYME!' Depp. It's been years since I read the second book... I used to read it once a week (and the first one too) when I was 8 years old. There are many parts of the second book that would have made an awesome movie... or even a pretty kickass game... remember the elevator that went to all the different parts of the factory, and down at the basement level (I think it was the basement level anyway) it was all dark and eerie and full of ghostly Vermicious Knids (I think they were Vermicious Knids), and if they touched you, you'd become minus-years old and float around like one of them? That place has stuck with me in my nightmares. Oh wow, that book kicked ass.

And Big Fish was crap.

I think they should just re-title it 'Willy Wonka and the Clockwork Orange' and leave the chocolate factory out of it.

The original movie is great, and Gene Wilder kicks ass. I mean, I nearly choked to death on my own saliva (laughing) when I rewatched that movie recently... when Wonka is screaming out the contract at the end, and keeps stopping to turn and scream, "ETC ETC!", and then starts reading it in Latin, and finally turns and says, "There! Black and white! CRYSTAL CLEAR! So good day to you sir, GOOD DAY!" That movie just rocked, and they hadn't even invented back in those days. Depp doesn't have any of the charm that Wilder has. And not only that, but he doesn't have any charm in that movie at all. He's just retarded looking. Like something from a nightmare.

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman are on the run from the police, following a fight outside a tavern. They are chased down a dark alley and hide in some dustbins. The Police come along and are looking around, and they think they see something moving in the bins, so one policeman pokes the first bin, where Paddy Scotsman is hiding. "Uh, Meow!" Says Paddy Scotsman quickly, and so the Policeman thinks it must be a cat and pokes the next bin. "Uhmm... Squeak, squeak, gnaw." Says Paddy Englishman fast, and so the policeman thinks it must be a rat and pokes the next bin. "Potato." Says Paddy Irishman.

Man, America is how many billion kasquillion miles, and that didn't look like any part of it?! But the joke still stands. In Ireland that's pretty much all we do; sit and think of jokes to offend Americans. Especially after the elections, you know. In fact, I thought of a new one RIGHT NOW. What do you call an American with a PhD in astrophysics and a master's degree in Rocket Science? STUPID AMERICAN!

I have so much goddamn beef with this game. However, I do love Survival Horror games in general, so trying to be positive, I wrote a list of all the good things about it. 1. Bruce McGivern is seriously hot.2. I finally got in to the First Class area of a ship. Seriously, that's it. Ten minutes in to the game, I began to hope that it would end right there, and that Bruce would start stripping and dancing, because that would have been a lot more entertaining. Here's a list of things about this game I hate: The Voices, and the Subtitles What the hell? Firstly, there came the voices. Quite besides the fact the Chinese girl has thee most inconsistent and crap voiceacting since that movie I watched with that guy in it (I think it was Big Fish, and Ewan McGregor), the overall sound quality is lame. Maybe this was just me, and the way I had my settings. But I could never, ever hear what the hell was going on. This naturally led to me turning on the subtitles so I had some clue of what was being said. Well guess what? There's a whole other goddamn story running parallel to the main one, in the subtitles. They are completely different to the spoken dialogue. I don't think I saw one sentence in the subtitles that was actually spoken. Ridiculous! Morpheus D. Duvall, and friends What a retarded name. And trust the Japanese to create a truly freakish antagonist. I thought he was a girl. Then he was a guy. Then he stabbed himself with an AIDs infected needle and became a girl again. With perky breasts and all. Then, I don't know what the hell happened, but that was one retarded bad guy, in general. Not to mention all the other bad guys. All three of them. What, there was zombies, and skeletal zombies, and monster-looking zombies. Oh, and there were these frog things with red eyes. And that was about it. I'm terrified, really I am! I am also terrified the fifteenth time I walk into a bathroom and a zombie leaps out. That doesn't get less scary, does it, Capcom? Ridiculous Chinese Girl, Fondling Because of the lousy voices and the subtitles that didn't know what game they were in, I didn't quite pick up her name, but I think I heard somebody say 'Fondling'. Fondling is a chinese girl with absolutely no purpose. Occasionally she throws things at other things, and once or twice you get to stab her in the arms. Sometimes, you get to take control of her and run her down a corridor. One thing that particularly irritated me about this character was her ridiculous design. I mean, Bruce was hot, but he looked real. She had some kind of a weird anime-girl shape going on. Her design just didn't fit in with the game. At least, not to me. At the start, everything was so realistic and then she appears, and looks like a rubber girl, made of rubber. And her face was all shiny and perfect. That bitch can go burn in hell. Her contribution to this game was MINIMAL. Plot Or lack thereof. What the hell happened? I don't know. Gameplay The control system was a real bitch. When there's stinking zombies leaping at you from all directions (New development in Resident Evil series: SOME zombies can now travel faster than a snail, but not quite as fast as a tortoise) you want to swivel around and shoot them, possibly while running. But the control system doesn't allow that. Because it's retarded. Like the rest of the game. Shooting hordes of Zombies now requires you to stop, turn around, and shoot. You can't even sidestep. The lack of agility is incredible. Also, absolutely nothing exciting happens. Not a goddamn thing. It's all the same. Walk down a corridor, shoot zombies, be frightened as a zombie leaps at you, shoot zombie, find key. There aren't even zombie DOGS. And there's only two different locations.And I have no idea what's going on. Ahhh! I fucking hate this game! Why did I play it? Because I really hoped Bruce would get naked in the end. And speaking of the end, the game took me 2:44:20 to complete. That's including however long it took me to make several cups of coffee, and to go downstairs to eat my dinner, and then I went for a jog. And then I fell asleep for a while, and stopped to watch Finding Nemo for a bit. And how ridiculous was the bad guy? HOW RIDICULOUS WAS S/HE!? Music Complete the game if you want to hear the Japanese Version of Rage Against the Machine. If not, don't expect to hear any music throughout the rest of the game. Or at least, if there IS music, it doesn't sound like it. The Love Story WTF?!?? WTFuckingF?!?? Conclusion This game is shit. Bruce McGivern is hot. Somebody explain to me what the hell happened. I only started this thread with the intention of saying how hot Bruce was.

I just went to the official Capcom site for Resident Evil: Dead Aim, to get screenshots. And all the screenshots they have are of zombies being blown up in various ways. 40 goddamn screenshots of zombies flying everywhere. But the best thing was when a zombie suddenly leapt up on the screen and said, "Ugghhnnn", and I choked on my coffee so badly, and got such a shock, that I tipped the mug of coffee right up to my face, banging my two front teeth and hurling lots of the boiling hot beverage up my nose. That was FAR scarier than anything that happened in that game.

Ha ha ha.