Dealing with Someone Else's Alcholism

[Architecture]

My roommate of two years has a pretty severe alcohol addiction. He suffers from some fairly extreme anxiety and is generally antisocial. He does see a doctor and holds a number of prescriptions which help level him out, but every day is a drinking day.

 

He works full time and doesn't drink before work but he has at least six beers a night, and on days off he might drink 12-18. Around the holidays, he was routinely vomiting every other day or so. He attributed this to "eating too much."

 

This morning, I heard him cracking open a beer as I was readying myself for work. I've delicately broached the subject before, but I realize how hard it is to recognize the difference between concern and criticism. Has anyone here ever faced a similar situation? What do I do?

[Bjorn]

It's hard to give any real concrete advice.  There are so many factors.  How close to him are you?  How old his he?  How long has this level of drinking been going on?  Are there other mental health factors at play?

 

I've been a (former) heavy drinker myself and have had friends with drinking problems, but can't particularly say that I know any good way to deal with someone who currently has a problem.  So much is unique to the person in question, and your relationship with the person. 

[itsamoose]

I had a similar situation with my brother and father.  I did the same thing for a number of years until finally I just lost it and started screaming at both of them, which ended up working (so far) but is not something I would recommend as we haven't spoken in around a year and a half.  What I tried to do up until that point was figure out ways to get them to be aware of their behavior.  Typically I would try pointing out how much money they are spending on their habits, which seemed to be to be the most tangible way to show the effect of their drinking, and in the case of my brother I would ask him what he wanted to do with his life, then continually bring up the subject over time to see if he was making any progress toward those goals.  I would also try asking him to do small favors for me, which he inevitably didn't, and again over time he was able to see the effect it was having on him.  Ultimately I would suggest trying to create or expose situations in which his drinking affected him negatively, but not so bluntly as to just tell him that it is a problem, he needs to come to the conclusion on his own.  I wish I had better answers, but still being somewhat in that situation I don't know the best way out of it.

[Architecture]

He definitely suffers from clinical depression and anxiety, and as I said, takes medication for those disorders. We met via a different message board--he was on his way to Austin from Delaware on a very crazy road trip, and when he ended up here, a few of us met up with him to hang out for the evening. It became pretty clear that he was homeless at this point and quite suicidal as he'd been meting out his medication along the trip. I only recently found out that he didn't even alert his parents when he moved, and instead waited until they were on vacation and quietly drove off.

 

I'd say we're fairly close, as far as roommates go. He pays rent on time, is great about utilities, and even though we've had some common space cleaning issues, he's made attempts to address all that stuff. I routinely invite him out to social gatherings, which he almost unanimously turns down. When he's not working, he just sits in his room and drinks. Every once in a while I can coax him out for dinner or to a movie, but that's a pretty rare occurrence.

 

Any time I've approached his addiction, I've done so from a very reserved place. I try to make it clear to him that I'm bringing it up out of concern for his well being and that I'm open to helping him in whatever way I can. But I do also understand and appreciate that change will not happen until he's ready to face the music.

 

I suppose I could threaten him with eviction if he didn't at least take steps to address it, as his room looks like a goddamn disaster and I'm the owner by proxy (it's a condo which my parents purchased and we pay their mortgage), but that is a nuclear option.

 

I just am equally frustrated and saddened by it, and really want him to get better.

[syntheticgerbil]

Wish I could tell you, my mom has been drinking almost every night for the past decade or so. Also used to drink a lot when I was young and didn't know why she'd get weird and mean at night or on weekends. My sister and I generally just call her right as she gets home from work if we need to talk, otherwise she's gone. I suppose my only solution for you then is to move out. It seems like with my mom we could all tell her she had a problem or that she should go to rehab (as you can't force her) and it would either waver between apology or the idea that her problem wasn't that bad. One thing that did sort of help her from drinking up a storm at family gatherings is that my sister would not hang out anymore unless she either was sober or took it very slow. It works for those occasions every few days a year...

 

Uhhh, I guess I am just saying you are powerless and maybe to ignore it if you can? I think no matter what you do it's going to come off as criticism if you haven't already said something. Alcoholics all know they drink too much and he will probably defend this destructive think he is doing just because he knows it's wrong and doesn't want to face how powerless he is. I would think if you were to say something the only thing you could suggest is outside help and maybe do it as nice as you can even though he will still be mad. Seems like he really needs to also fess up to these doctors who are prescribing him psych meds because those probably don't interact with alcohol well.

[Bjorn]

Sadly it sounds like you're more or less doing what you can. Having patience, expressing concern, maintain a certain level of expectations and boundaries as he's a regular part of your life as a roommate. Unless he's putting himself in imminent harm (drunk driving, ODing on some combination of stuff) or the situation deteriorates to where it is causing great stress to you, I'd say keep gently pushing the way you have been.

Also, I'd pay attention to your own levels of stress and happiness in regards to the environment of the condo. I've been in two roommate situations that went quite sour. One I'd put down to expected immature behavior of a bunch of young roommates and we were all at fault. But the other was having a roommate who was dealing with some major mental health issues and just being around it daily eventually took a toll on me that I didn't even recognize until after I moved. It is often hard to realize how miserable someone else's behavior has made you until you are way deep into a mental/emotional hole.

Depending on your finances and/or the insurance you have, you could also go talk to a professional yourself. Not to intervene, but for you to talk through the feelings of powerlessness you have watching a friend do this. Even a few sessions might make a world of difference for how you feel about it and give you more insight on any decisions you need to make now or in the future.

[eot]

I've tried, many times, and failed. One thing I've thought about doing is sending an alcohol habit quiz, maybe answering those questions just to themselves will knock something loose but I don't know. It's a bit passive aggressive.

[Gormongous]

Sadly it sounds like you're more or less doing what you can. Having patience, expressing concern, maintain a certain level of expectations and boundaries as he's a regular part of your life as a roommate. Unless he's putting himself in imminent harm (drunk driving, ODing on some combination of stuff) or the situation deteriorates to where it is causing great stress to you, I'd say keep gently pushing the way you have been.

Also, I'd pay attention to your own levels of stress and happiness in regards to the environment of the condo. I've been in two roommate situations that went quite sour. One I'd put down to expected immature behavior of a bunch of young roommates and we were all at fault. But the other was having a roommate who was dealing with some major mental health issues and just being around it daily eventually took a toll on me that I didn't even recognize until after I moved. It is often hard to realize how miserable someone else's behavior has made you until you are way deep into a mental/emotional hole.

Depending on your finances and/or the insurance you have, you could also go talk to a professional yourself. Not to intervene, but for you to talk through the feelings of powerlessness you have watching a friend do this. Even a few sessions might make a world of difference for how you feel about it and give you more insight on any decisions you need to make now or in the future.

 

Yeah, I wasn't able to get back and post my own opinion, but I had a friend in college who was self-medicating anxiety and depression with extreme amounts of alcohol, and there was no way in the two years that I tried to intervene that I could get him to recognize the incredible destructiveness of his behavior to himself and his relationships. I just stayed around, trying my best to be a good friend but also to give him little pushes whenever he'd have brief moments of clarity about his alcoholism, but it never really resolved, and I had to give up when we graduated. It was incredibly hard and it gave me no advice for you, Archie.

[Bjorn]

Yeah, I wasn't able to get back and post my own opinion, but I had a friend in college who was self-medicating anxiety and depression with extreme amounts of alcohol, and there was no way in the two years that I tried to intervene that I could get him to recognize the incredible destructiveness of his behavior to himself and his relationships. I just stayed around, trying my best to be a good friend but also to give him little pushes whenever he'd have brief moments of clarity about his alcoholism, but it never really resolved, and I had to give up when we graduated. It was incredibly hard and it gave me no advice for you, Archie.

 

It's really fucking hard, no question.

 

I hesitated about mentioning this, but I suppose I might as well, as maybe its a resource that will help.  My sister-in-law is an addiction specialist (like, a nationally recognized specialist, shows up on TV shows and shit).  She's co-author of a book called Beyond Addiction.  Her and her partners attitude towards treatment is one that attempt to be data driven (rather than relaying on anecdotal evidence, hope or faith).  It's about identifying strategies that there is actual research to support they work.  I don't know a lot about her work, just the odd conversation here and there during visits with her. 

 

I hesitated about mentioning it only because I'm a horrible family member and haven't actually read it yet, even though I've had a copy for months.  So I don't know what's in it exactly, and I don't like recommending something I haven't personally read.  But I can vouch that she's kickass and extremely thoughtful about approaching her work (which I suppose should be true of most people in her field).  I know some of her strategies involve harm reduction (like, not trying to get someone to stop, but to get them to slow down, moderate, or change other risky behaviors even if they are still an addict), which can be particularly successful for some younger people. 

 

If it looks like something that would be of any interest to you, I can link to some of the articles or interviews that include her so you can get a better feel for how she and her partners approach things. 

[Mangela Lansbury]

Depending on your finances and/or the insurance you have, you could also go talk to a professional yourself. Not to intervene, but for you to talk through the feelings of powerlessness you have watching a friend do this. Even a few sessions might make a world of difference for how you feel about it and give you more insight on any decisions you need to make now or in the future.

 

Talking to a therapist is definitely a good step, but if it's not an option for whatever reason, Al-Anon exists for a reason. It's a support group for families and friends of alcoholics. I've never been, but the people I know who have tell me that it's been a great resource for dealing with the helplessness and confusion that comes with just not being able to make someone want to get better.

 

Here is a web site that lists Al-Anon meetings in the Austin area, if you decide to go that route. It's not for everyone, but it's an option that's available to you.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Hitmeonyourbeepa]

I'm sorry to hear this. This is an incredibly tough situation. Just make sure to take care of yourself first and foremost. You won't be able to help much if you are anxious/stressed/being put in mentally or physically abusive situations. Above all, you need to not be sucked into his drama/feeling bad for him excessively.

I have been in therapy on and off for the past 10 years or so. It has been a lifesaver. Beyond suggesting therapy/support groups etc there is little you can do.

I hope your friend gets some help and starts healing. It's a shitty situation and I feel for you. You sound like a caring person-he is lucky to have you as a roommate and friend.

[James]

My dad was what I suppose you'd call a functional alcoholic, until eventually he stopped functioning. By which I mean he had something of a break-down. Coupled with some previously unidentified additional mental health issues (the upshot seemed to be bipolar disorder), what followed was many very turbulent years for him, the start of which I was mercifully shielded from, being off at university. He seems to have achieved some stability now, but it's taken quite a toll on his health, and I can't imagine that's improving. He's still drinking, but he's made two recent earnest attempts at quitting. Frankly I learnt long ago to protect myself by never expecting anything of him, but I do hope he doesn't lose heart, and is one day able to succeed.

At the risk of being rather bleak, in all my years of knowing about his problem (which existed since before my parents met, but of which we weren't aware until some point in my early-mid childhood) we weren't able to find a way to help him a great deal. The situation with your roommate is different, of course (my dad was never quite so dramatic - he didn't get sick from drinking; we just took for granted that he wouldn't get home until late in the evening, and when he did he'd be kind of weird), so perhaps he's better able to see his own problem, and more prepared to deal with it, but I wouldn't necessarily expect too much. Offer support where you can, challenge him where you dare, but always keep your own well-being in mind. It can be a very stressful thing to deal with, or even just be around. You're probably right to be cautious about how you broach the subject - most people get defensive about perceived criticism, and in addicts the reaction is greatly magnified.

Sorry, I don't really have any firm advice. Just my own experience.

I generally hesitate before writing about Dad's alcoholism online, for fear of it coming across as a bit of a character assassination. I really hope it doesn't. I love him and in many ways admire him. He's smarter, more perceptive, more creative and way more gregarious than me, and despite his addiction managed to be much more successful than I currently am. That's makes it all the sadder, to me. He could have had a really great life, I think, if he didn't have a drinking problem. Part of what gives him stability now is medication, but that also seems to leave him without a lot of his former spark. That's difficult, but it's definitely better than the mayhem his life had descended into without it. At least now I don't dread visiting him.

I also worry about his privacy, but ultimately this is something that's had a pretty profound impact on my life, and I need to be able to talk about it from time to time. Not very often, but every now and then.

I don't know. Bloody life. Good luck with your roommate.

[Dewar]

My first job after college was pretty miserable, and I ended up hitting the alcohol pretty hard. So bad, in fact, that I think I damaged my stomach lining or caused a permanent ulcer or something because I've never been quite the same.

Two things eventually tipped the balance. First, I was physically having problems keeping food down due to the issues listed above and second, my gf (now wife) stated very succinctly without a whole lot of pressure that she was worried about me. I was pretty angry and immature about it at the time, but I cooled off after a few days, then quit my job a couple months later to find something that wasn't quite so destructive.

I still drink, but it's rare that I have more than one or two and not even that often anymore. So I guess it worked in my case.

[Architecture]

I'd like to thank y'all for the responses, it's been nice to have some encouragement in this situation.

 

I got my roomie to come out to a party last night, and he had a good time. I think a big part of his problem is his lack of any sort of social structure. On the drive home, I tepidly dove into a conversation and expressed my concern for him and since he was in a jovial mood, I got a better response than I have previously. He finally verbally recognized his problem with me, which seems like a huge step, and also admitted that he'd like to drink less. I don't expect this to be the turning point in what is most assuredly a never-ending battle, but I'll take a small victory where I can.

 

He also mentioned that he's been cutting back his drinking on his days off, so while I'd still deem it pretty excessive, that's a step in the right direction. I think I'm just gonna continually chip away at his antisocial behavior (his anxiety problems, unfortunately, contribute to this in a big way) and force him out of the house. If he can start to break the feedback loop of depression and self-medication, I think he'll start to rely on alcohol less and less until it's just a supplement to his life instead of a big crutch.

 

Anyway.

[Treasure Goblin]

I'm by no means any kind of expert but I just wanted to chime in and say that it's really great that you got him to get out of his room and to a party.  I have pretty severe anxiety issues myself, well, enough that writing this post feels confronting and I've lost more than one job because of it.  Quite often just the act of going to work is taxing on your mind enough that afterwards you just NEED to be alone because you feel fatigued from dealing with people all day.  That paired with self-medicating through alcohol/substance abuse can be an incredibly easy cycle to fall into, but seemingly impossible to get out of.  There's also the strange feedback loop that happens in your brain sometimes which is "I'm lonely and I want to be alone." - doesn't make a lot of sense necessarily but I wouldn't say that social anxiety generally tends to on any level anyway.  

I think all you can do is keep encouraging him to go out and have fun with you, even if it's just coaxing him out of his room to hang out and watch a movie or eat together.  You might even find that the more that you manage to get him out of the house, the easier it will get each time and the less he will feel like he needs alcohol to "cope".