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GraysonEvans

Making friends?

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I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have I love a lot!

 

I was thinking I should maybe expand my group of friends and meet some new people. Do you guys have any advice?

I tend to be very affectionate with my friends, this sometimes puts people off when we first start hanging out. I don't think this is a bad thing, maybe I am wrong? 

anyways you guys seem like a social group of people, any thoughts on meeting strangers?

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I remember this one Louie C.K. bit about first dates: when a guy goes on the first date, he's basically a million different guys for 5 seconds each, trying a bunch of shit to get laid. For meeting new people it's obviously unhealthy to lie about yourself, but essentially there's always that surface layer that you need to start at, and you pick away at varying speeds depending on how similar two people are, or what the conditions around you happen to be. 

 

no clue how this works for other people, but small things like being affectionate or "coming on too strong" usually aren't dealbreakers. Still, what you choose to talk about at that surface level (where you really can't talk about anything interesting) is important for me.

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That's the problem for me. I have no idea what small talk even entails and as such remain mostly silent, desperately trying to figure out a subject to bring up. If someone else takes the lead however, I can get stuck in quite well.

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I am usually bad at starting topics but once someone else instigates I can really get mileage out of it. For meeting friends, maybe try find a group or club of some sort that engages in a hobby of yours. Or alternatively a class you'd be interested in. Both of these events are casual and regular with repeat attendance where it won't be weird for you to keep going even before you've properly made friends, so you don't feel pressured to turn someone into a friend instantly.

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I haven't lived where I am very long, and I met most of my friends up here through volunteering at places that matter to me. There's a local art house theater where I volunteer at the guest services desk, doing the glamorous job of validating parking and selling t-shirts one night a week. I met other people there who like film and through that got involved in screening for the local film festival -- just because I took the initiative to try and help out with something I enjoy. It takes some of the pressure off of trying to come up with something to talk about ("Light night tonight, huh?" "Have you seen this movie yet? I really liked the one other thing I've seen from this director.") and even if nothing really comes of it, at least you contributed to the continuing success or furtherment of something that matters to you.

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one of the problems I have been seeing lately is I am extremely shy. I went to a indie game dev meet up locally and when I walked into the bar, I bought a coke waved to one person, had a panic attack and left. I haven't been able to go back since because I am so scared no one will like me.

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Two things helped me overcome shyness: Volunteering for stuff I was interested in, and getting a job in a really busy club. Neither was easy, but that kind of immersion worked really well. Both meant I always had something to do right alongside social things, meaning I could tackle it at my own pace while also always getting out of the house and having the opportunity.

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one of the problems I have been seeing lately is I am extremely shy. I went to a indie game dev meet up locally and when I walked into the bar, I bought a coke waved to one person, had a panic attack and left. I haven't been able to go back since because I am so scared no one will like me.

 

Try beer next time :P

 

I've been to plenty of game dev meet ups, and the thing you got to remember is everyone there is there to talk about the same thing. "Hey, video games?" is a pretty good line, follow it up with a "hey, what you working on?"

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Try beer next time :P

 

I've been to plenty of game dev meet ups, and the thing you got to remember is everyone there is there to talk about the same thing. "Hey, video games?" is a pretty good line, follow it up with a "hey, what you working on?"

I bought a rum and coke once and then the waitress followed me around for 30 minutes asking me if I knew who alex was? People thought I worked there and when I said hi to some people they just walked away. The second time I went is the night of the panic attack.

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Try beer next time :P

 

I've been to plenty of game dev meet ups, and the thing you got to remember is everyone there is there to talk about the same thing. "Hey, video games?" is a pretty good line, follow it up with a "hey, what you working on?"

 

"hey, video games" only works if you're approaching jake.

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In a crowd like the meet-up you describe, I would look for someone else who is alone or who looks uncomfortable and then approach them to strike up conversation. Rejection is going to happen, so I psych myself up by trying to look for opportunities to give people who looks uncomfortable or lonely a chance to reject someone too.

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I've been there Grayson, I'm still not super social but I'm getting better with anxiety meds. Not really sure I have a ton of advice but maybe if there's something cool going on in Vancouver sometime we can hang out.

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We're not largely game devs (although there are one or two), but the Gamers With Jobs Vancouver contingent meets up every month and a half or so to play boardgames. It's pretty low stakes, i.e. I wouldn't really necessarily count any of them as IRL friends (as opposed to online/twitter friends/acquaintances), but it gets me out of the house, and if you're at a loss of what to say in terms of making conversation you can at least fall back on the fact that you're playing a boardgame.

 

We do play Cards Against Humanity a fair amount, so if you're ideologically opposed to that (which is a position I'm not unsympathetic to) it may not be a good fit for you. When we've been over at somebody's house, we'll often have the worst cards removed, but the same can't be said when we're at Storm Crow and using their cards.

 

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Two things helped me overcome shyness: Volunteering for stuff I was interested in, and getting a job in a really busy club. Neither was easy, but that kind of immersion worked really well. Both meant I always had something to do right alongside social things, meaning I could tackle it at my own pace while also always getting out of the house and having the opportunity.

 

I really second this. Volunteer on your weekends. Volunteer at a museum. Volunteer at a writing center. Volunteer at a museum. I volunteer at a science museum every week, and not only is it an awesome place, but I meet people all the time. And, bonus, you get practice talking to people you don't know, in a space where people are ok with someone talking to them. Go to comedy shows, I know there's a really awesome scene for comedy in Vancouver, and comedy nerds are a nice group. The most important thing is to be proactive. As long as you're not annoying (and you're an Idle Thumbs reader, so how could you be?), people will want to talk. Just employ the greatest secret to making friends: ask people about themselves, and really listen. 

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