ObjectiveGameReviews.com - A Subtle Journey of Discovery

[Twig]

In other news I managed to use the word "boring" in an objective review which I'm pretty proud of.

Oh man that's beautiful. Props.

 

Only mildly scarred by two sentences later when you forget the subject! "To hack, the presses a button to stop a waving needle in marked positions at the bottom of the screen. "

[Roderick]

That's an interesting thought: if this is how an objective review would look, what would a completely subjective one be like? Completely rant-filled, all caps, like film crit hulk? Passionately avoiding any and all actual information on the game and gliding by as a stream-of-consciousness, devoid of any context, that would embarrass and discomfit even Salman Rushdie?

[Twig]

My favorite reviews are definitely the ones that assume the reader already knows what the game is about. No need to talk about the graphics! We have screenshots and videos for that. 

 

how does it make you feeeeeel

 

It'd definitely be an interesting experiment if one day OGR is huge and you just... add that switch. How would people react? Would fans of the website boycott out of sheer rage that someone dared express an opinion? Oh man. Oh man.

[Roderick]

I'm thinking more sister site in an expanding empire.

[Twig]

(I was responding to Tycho's post mostly.)

[TychoCelchuuu]

That's an interesting thought: if this is how an objective review would look, what would a completely subjective one be like? Completely rant-filled, all caps, like film crit hulk? Passionately avoiding any and all actual information on the game and gliding by as a stream-of-consciousness, devoid of any context, that would embarrass and discomfit even Salman Rushdie?

Not really - it would just leave out any basic information that wasn't couched in terms of an opinion. For example, if my review of the general thumbsensus (Idle Thumbs consensus) of Far Cry 2 is "Far Cry 2 is a masterpiece because it marries tight, reactive shooting and movement mechanics to a series of systems that serve to create surprising and exciting emergent results while simultaneously undercutting the any potential power fantasy by making the player's explicit missions a series of terrible deeds and showing the results of the player's actions in brutal ways, like a person dying on the ground. The weapon jamming system is a perfect example of this: it is not so intrusive so as to make the game a pain to play, but it forces the player to confront their limitations and also leads to interesting moments in gameplay when the player's plan has to change on a dime in response to their weapon's failure. The graphics are also gorgeous while being simultaneously understated - the colors are muted and the lighting diffuse. The selection of weapons has enough variation to give the player genuine tactical choices in how they approach situations but is spare enough that the player is not overwhelmed and is encouraged to try out the various weapons" then that's basically an entirely subjective review.

My favorite reviews are definitely the ones that assume the reader already knows what the game is about. No need to talk about the graphics! We have screenshots and videos for that. 

 

how does it make you feeeeeel

This is, in a way, why I've sort of come around on the idea of an objective game review. In less than 500 words someone can get a summary of the main mechanics of the game, get the basic numbers (levels, weapons, party members, etc) and basically get a sense for how the game works. Then they can go read legitimate reviews to get actual opinions. Something like Objective Game Reviews saves reviewers the chore of having to list all those boring numbers and explain all the main game systems in their review. Want to review BioShock without bothering to talk about the Little Sisters, the plasmids, the weapon selection, and the plot, because you think the most interesting thing is the combination of System Shocke-esque environmental storytelling and the retro art deco stylings of Rapture, combined with the NPC barks and the soundtrack? Write that shit up and if anyone complains that you left 90% of the game unexplained, just link them to Objective Game Reviews' review of the game and say "look, you can read this, or watch some gameplay videos, if you want to know the basics. My job here is to tell you what I think about this game, and when I think about a game I don't think about it in terms of bare objective facts. You can get those from anyone. I'm here because I have something interesting to say."

It'd definitely be an interesting experiment if one day OGR is huge and you just... add that switch. How would people react? Would fans of the website boycott out of sheer rage that someone dared express an opinion? Oh man. Oh man.

One thing I'm trying to do everywhere with the branding of the site is to note that subjective game reviews are not worse, they're just very different. Remember, the entire point of the site is to point out to people who ask for an objective game review what it is they want. Everything I'm doing is satirical in that I don't (or, more accurately, didn't) think it's the way reviews should be written, but that's not incompatible with making the site something that isn't awful in other ways. I want the site to review all kinds of games, not just AAA shooters, and I want those indie games that nobody has heard about to get equal billing with BioShock Infinite or whatever. I want the site to be clear that subjectivity is not bad, it's just a different way of reviewing (and, implicitly, it's the worthwhile way of reviewing things, although the site doesn't say that). I want the site to be interesting to read and easy to navigate and informative and funny and free of typos (thanks for pointing out the missing subject in the BioShock 2 review by the way).

In other words, another way to satirize the idea of objective game reviews would be to make a really shitty objective review site: copy and paste from Wikipedia, badmouth the "opinions" of "reviewers" who probably aren't actual gamers and just have a biased agenda to push, only review Halo 3 and BioShock Infinite and The Last of Us and give them all 10 out of 10s, post a bunch of "funny" YouTube videos from PewDiePie, write about the console wars and rank consoles objectively based on how many megahertz their processors run at, and stuff like that. Just generally satirize the kind of people and culture from which we get requests for objective game reviews. That's definitely not what the site is doing, though, so in the hypothetical non-existent future where I add the "switch to Subjective Game Reviews" button, I'd at least be able to brand it in a way that I hope wouldn't lead to massive boycotts ("this button takes you to a subjective site, more like other game review sites, where reviewers give their opinion, which you may disagree with. If you prefer your game reviews to be objective, simply don't press the button and keep reading this site, which is dedicated to providing objective game reviews for the games you want to know about"). Whether people would still get pissed off is up in the air, but I like my site because it plays it as straight as possible, and part of playing it straight consists of not knocking people who write normal, subjective reviews, because they don't deserve knocks.

[Twig]

I actually just meant that a community might form that truly believes objective game reviews are the only game reviews that matter. Sort of like already exists (as evidenced in many comment threads on IGN, etc.), but without a website to mold and shape said community. So if you DID add that switch one day, it'd be fascinating to watch those people scream and rant about how you've ruined everything.

 

You're familiar enough with the internet to realize that everything ain't roses and butterflies. No matter how clear you make your intentions, someone's bound to get all up in a tizzy.

[Roderick]

Tycho, that subjective review of Far Cry 2, that I know you just whipped up in a minute, is the manna I crave.

[TychoCelchuuu]

Are any of you Ryan Garry? I just got a review submission from him via email and I can't tell if it's from out of the blue or if he's one of you, because he didn't say anything other than "here is a review."

[Ben X]

I'm Ryan Garry!

[Nappi]

No! I'm Ryan Garry. This man is an impostor!

[TychoCelchuuu]

I may have to rethink my strategy of asking the Idle Thumbs forum a serious question.

[Twig]

I am objectively Ryan Garry! Nappi is only subjectively Ryan Garry.

[Nappi]

Umm.. Why not ask him? What is the current stance on reviews written by other people?

[TychoCelchuuu]

The current stance on reviews written by other people is THE FIRST ONE JUST WENT UP BY OUR VERY OWN ERKKI

http://www.objectivegamereviews.com/flatout-ultimate-carnage-review/

The reason I can't just ask this guy is because it's not clear if he understands the site is a joke so I need to not tip my hat until I know if he's one of you or if I have to find out a way to figure out if he thinks it's a joke without giving away the fact that it's a joke.

[Joewintergreen]

I'm Ryan Garry!

I'm not

[Forbin]

I don't know if this would tip your hat hand or not, but I think it'd be interesting to see you take the next big console exclusive and give it a lower than average score.

 

edit: typo/brainslip

[Professor Video Games]

Have you thought about doing objective console reviews?

[JonCole]

Sega Dreamcast Review

 

The Sega Dreamcast has the following official accessories - Visual Memory Unit, mouse and keyboard, fishing rod, "dreameye" webcam, maraca, midi cable, and VGA adapter. While playing games such as Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 or Crazy Taxi messages like "Awesome", "Rad", or "Nice Combo" would appear on the VMU screen. It's controller is enormous.

 

[JonCole]

Nintendo Gamecube Review

 

While Nintendo purports that the Gamecube is a cube, it is in fact shaped like a rectangular prism.

 

[TychoCelchuuu]

XBOX One Review

Microsoft sent us a single XBOX One.

[elmuerte]

Stanley Parable Demo

[TychoCelchuuu]

hahahaa that is such a good idea I might just steal it for the actual site

[Berzee]

Hey, OGR reviewed my currently-favorite game! Desktop Dungeons.

I'm surprised it doesn't mention the intermittent cloud-syncing annoyances though. Maybe I'm the only one who has that problem.

 

Also hey I wrote that review.

 

Edit: Furthermore, I just ran an Objective Game Review through a text-to-speech reader and it was very amusing and helpful in eliminating any residual traces of subjectivity that I as a reader was projecting onto the words.

[Hermie]

Edit: Furthermore, I just ran an Objective Game Review through a text-to-speech reader and it was very amusing and helpful in eliminating any residual traces of subjectivity that I as a reader was projecting onto the words.

This is how you do video reviews.

 

Paired with gameplay footage, preferably with the character not moving at all, as choices made within the game may infer agenda.