Jump to content
gdf

Life

Recommended Posts

To put a (somewhat) positive spin on things, I've done the unrequited love thing with a friend before and it was fine as a friendship. It wasn't until we became friends with benefits that it all went horribly sideways.

 

So uh, yeah, friends might work as long as you understand that's what it is, like Bjorn says. If anything more seems like it might be going down, think twice!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I had the unrequited love thing going on, I eventually gave up on it and that's when i realized that she wasn't really that great of a person to hang around with, I just had rose-tinted glasses. So I guess it ended up being a good thing in the end, though not the Hollywood kind of good.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Been there. It sucks, but what can you do?

 

Friends with Benefits can really fuck up a relationship (I've had chances, no way), both parties gotta be on point about the fuckin' and not develop feelings for anyone. It's terrible if there's already feelings being brought to that type of relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I generally think the biggest issue with fwbs is one of communication.  People often have a hard enough time communicating honestly and openly with friends or with romantic partners, but blend the two with vague boundaries and expectations and not enough communication and it's a drama stew ready to put to boil. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

True. Thanks for the advice on the last page, Bjorn, and for the shared perspectives from everyone else here on this issue. The advice wasn't needed and isn't applicable, though. I feel like I should explain where I stand with my friend to make clear why.

We know each other for over two years now, and I'm in love with him for a little more than one and a half years. Our friendship has been odd for most of that time. I barely knew him until two months ago. During the first phase of our friendship I didn't know how to handle my love for him. I often complained when he left early. I felt crushed one time after he left, and with that the need to not rely on him, to make him expendable. So I started online dating. I made a friend through that two days later. You could say then that the heartache had a positive effect on me. Months later he became terribly uncommunicative. When I wrote him asking when he had time he wouldn't answer. I didn't know whether it was appropriate to complain about it. I second-guessed myself: would I feel hurt by it if I had merely amicable feelings for him?
Weeks later, after a night out, I went with a friend to his place, where he lived with flatmates, and I barely got a word out of him on that occasion. His lack of communication already wounded me the weeks prior, and for me this was the last straw. I didn't feel that the friendship was strong enough for me to carry the burden. So I decided to not contact him anymore.
A few weeks later he contacted me. I hesitated with my answer. I worried that it might be a bad idea to answer. So, for self-protection, I set up rules for myself: to never write him, except for a damn good reason; to answer only briefly if he writes me. Thus the second phase of our friendship began. And it worked fine! I avoided talking and asking about personal things, because I expected it would make things harder for me, that it would flare up my feelings for him. He in return didn't talk about himself either. By keeping the friendship impersonal, my feelings for him had no chance to surface. We would meet, then I would forget about him, until we would meet again. Meetings were as impersonal as sex dates. We played video games (local coop stuff and adventure games) and listened to music (we heard the most recent Sufjan Stevens record for the first time together; one of the exemptions I contacted him for). We talked about video games and music. Our friendship barely existed outside of my bedroom (which is also my living room...still).
We had one good personal conversation during this second phase, about online dating. He wanted to know more about my experiences. He commented that...well, it's difficult to translate. I'll say it in German and try to translate it then. He said, to paraphrase: "Ich sollte mich wohl auch auf Brautschau begeben". Which I don't know to translate with the right nuance, but basically, as I also understood it, he said that he probably should also be on the lookout for a wife.
Anyway, everything was fine, until a common friend hinted that the friend I'm in love with and his male flatmate were sexually involved with each other. This blew my mind. I don't use this phrase lightly. This one small morsel of information changed me significantly as a person over the following days. My emotions became more intense, my consciousness wider, my perception broader and clearer, my opinions firmer. I suddenly was the person I always wanted to be. This transformation didn't remain permanent to this degree, but to a lesser degree it did. Again, the heartache had a positive effect on me.
A few days later I confessed my love to him in a carefully controlled situation in my bedroom (which is also my living room): I let "Future Days" from Can play in the background on constant loop. I teared up when I tried to say how much our friendship meant to me. I made clear that it couldn't go on like it had, that it has to be possible to talk about personal things. I basically demanded it as a condition for the continuation of our friendship. This wasn't a problem for him, and he asked me what it was I wanted to know. Well, it was a lot!
There were signs that he and his flatmate (now former flatmate and ex-boyfriend) were in a relationship together. One was extremely blatant: his flatmate cuddled up to him once in my presence. Yet I didn't want to ask about that. Like I said, I didn't want to talk about personal things, even when they jumped into my face like this. By this point I still hadn't figured out that he was gay. I thought he had exclusively romantic interest for men, but only somewhat sexual. So when he told me that he was gay it was a surprise. I also felt misguided: I reminded him about what he said when we talked about my online dating experiences. Then he tried to explain himself, ever more desperately, that he didn't mean it that way, which made me cry in front of him. It took weeks for me to get over the fact that I knew him for almost two years, yet didn't know that he was gay. Heck, when I met him for the first time, I hadn't any gay friends, which changed. Yet the whole time I had him as a gay friend, but didn't know it!
This big talk was at the end of last October. Now, in this third phase of our friendship, we are at a point where communication is not only possible, but excellent. My feelings for him are not my problem alone, but one we share.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There are days that I feel like a LMGTFY machine at work. I mean these are other technicians I'm helping, they should be able to Google something themselves right? I know that there's skill in useful search engine use the same way there's a skill to finding the right books in a library, but this is getting ridiculous. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've played a game about losing a child and now I'm reading a comic about losing a child.

What a coincidence these two would be released one after the other, and in surprised my heart can take it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Does anyone else almost post in this thread about something personal and then stop when realizing that it might be a bit too googleable? Sometimes I wish this thread was in some members-only sub-forum.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A bit of that. Sometimes I also feel like posting about something here but it involves someone else too personally to be fair to post publicly, so I refrain in that case too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wrote an e-mail to my boss that said I needed lean training because it "will help us identify inefficiencies in our process, allowing us to thereby identify growth opportunities for reduction in any waste of human capital in our process." I am the worst. Just the hottest garbage fire in the universe.

 

But that led to a conversation with my boss about where I would like to end up in the future, institutionally, in a very concrete, material way. We're going through a lot of organizational changes right now -- I work in healthcare quality, and the new director of the hospital is pushing for massive growth in our quality infrastructure -- and I was asked where I'd like to end up, in the short term. I have to have an answer by Monday, so that she can make a recommendation for me.

 

I'm going to have a very rough weekend of weighing different possibilities.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A bit of that. Sometimes I also feel like posting about something here but it involves someone else too personally to be fair to post publicly, so I refrain in that case too.

 

I really don't care about oversharing about myself, but when it involves other people, that's the thing that keeps me from talking too openly about some topics. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

scrooge-mcduck_money-swim.jpg

 

Just show her this

 

Is there anyone who doesn't want to be insde scrooge mc duck? DILF.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been in my current job for a full year now, and we basically just finished the show I started working on when I arrived.

 

When I went to go meet everyone in the pub I wasn't prepared for my boss to describe my contribution to the show as "incalculable" (in the good way) and talk about how he and my other superior described me as such in meetings. I never feel like my work isn't appreciated here, but it's something else to hear outright that the show wouldn't be the same without you. That even if deadlines could be hit, there wouldn't be time to make the show reach the standard it did if I hadn't been there managing to do everything he asked of me.

 

I was not expecting a night at the pub to be this gratifying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been in my current job for a full year now, and we basically just finished the show I started working on when I arrived.

 

When I went to go meet everyone in the pub I wasn't prepared for my boss to describe my contribution to the show as "incalculable" (in the good way) and talk about how he and my other superior described me as such in meetings. I never feel like my work isn't appreciated here, but it's something else to hear outright that the show wouldn't be the same without you. That even if deadlines could be hit, there wouldn't be time to make the show reach the standard it did if I hadn't been there managing to do everything he asked of me.

 

I was not expecting a night at the pub to be this gratifying.

That is awesome, congrats! I highly recommend making a 'Happy Folder; in your email inbox. Every time someone thanks me for my work, or tells me how valuable I am I save those emails in that folder, its a nice reminder that people appreciate you and the work you do.

 

Now for something completely different:

 

Earlier this week as I was walking to work I saw a homeless man sitting outside in below freezing weather and I came to a realization: it would be an extra $75 on rent, an extra $50 a week for food and a few hundred a year for other items for him to live with me. He would never be homeless, hungry or cold again. I felt awful about this and still do, I am actively making life decisions that harm others.

There are people who this year will make more money than I will in a lifetime. I feel bad about the one or two people I could easily help, but am not. How many people could they be helping? Do they feel any guilt at all? There is enough money in the world to insure that every human could have a decent standard of living. Humanity could live in a world mostly free of crime, of war, of violence, of not being able to afford the basics of life. We as individuals, as a society, as a species fail over and over to help.

 

I recently joined a political organization committed for fighting for a living wage for all, universal healthcare and racial equality. I don't know if its enough, but I now more than ever need to try and make my fellow humans lives better, because too few of us even care.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm running into a problem at work that I didn't expect to. I was expecting pushback on the educational piece that goes with my project -- materials and an optional training session for clinics on how to improve interactions with trans patient populations -- but it's not taking the form that I expected. I'm hitting a wall where heads of clinics are saying, "I don't understand why we need this training. It seems like basic empathy. People should have basic empathy. We don't want to participate in this."

I can't quite figure out how to respond to this reaction because it's true. People should just have basic empathy and know these things, but the demonstrable, data driven fact of the matter is that they don't. This doesn't seem to change people's minds though -- they just keep reiterating that tho ha should be better while refusing the viability of tools to actually make it better.

It's very frustrating.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have run into that wall in my own understanding several times. I try to remember some wisdom that I got from my parents when I was quite young. Its meaning has changed for me several times over my life, but it's remained priceless.

 

6 year old me: There's a mother's day, and a father's day, why isn't there a son's day.

Mother: Because every other day of the year is children's day

 

Of course, children's day actually does exist, and has gotten a bit more recognized since that day, but the sentiment is still true. Every single day of the year, cis-white people get empathy, but some other people don't, and it's worth taking some time to think about that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Can you assign them homework?  Make them go spend...oh, I don't know, 2 minutes in the comments section on any mainstream article about a trans person.  Then ask them about American empathy. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Can you assign them homework?  Make them go spend...oh, I don't know, 2 minutes in the comments section on any mainstream article about a trans person.  Then ask them about American empathy. 

I think too often this gets read as the exceptional assholes and makes people feel like they don't have this problem. This issue is getting people to understand they might be "nice, good people", but society has trained them to respond differently to trans patients than other patients. The doctors need to understand that this is not something they can will away, and empathy is not actually easy to do, especially when you're in the midst of a busy stressful job.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think too often this gets read as the exceptional assholes and makes people feel like they don't have this problem. This issue is getting people to understand they might be "nice, good people", but society has trained them to respond differently to trans patients than other patients. The doctors need to understand that this is not something they can will away, and empathy is not actually easy to do, especially when you're in the midst of a busy stressful job.

Absolutely. These are people who recognize that there is a problem and accept that they're being offered a tool to correct it, but choose to hope for things just being better than they are rather than adopting a proactive stance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

College is so intimidating but I'm excited.

 

I'm at that age where I feel like stuff definitely needs to start getting done if it's ever going to get done, and I hope I don't stall out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WickedCestus, I have both given and taken tons advise that wasn't heeded at the time, but turned out to be "correct" in hindsight. Part of the human condition is having to make mistakes yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×