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Homie, treat yo self by realizing the situation has gone somewhat fubar.

 

My choice: Don't go to Italy, drop her ass and move on.

There are waaaaaaaay too many red flags I'm catching from this person and the way things are heading or going, this shit ain't going to go well for you and everyone is going to get hurt and you'll be in pain for a while.

 

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Thanks man, that actually means a lot. To give an update, she's thinking about whether or not we will go to Italy now, and will let me know if she thinks it can work. It hurts a lot.

 

I'm sorry, pabosher. I do agree with namman that the girl doesn't seem to know what she wants and a lot of the pain and confusion from that is falling on you, so it's probably better just to get clear. There's no way to control when is the last time that you see someone whom you care about, but the trip to Italy doesn't sound like it'll be very promising as a capper, given how she's been behaving when you guys have a chance to get close...

 

I'm going to admit that I lurk in this thread constantly, and I really love it. And I never post in here, but since it seems like a comfy, safe kinda place, I'll go ahead!

 

This move - from SF to NYC - has been painful. Really painful. I don't want to leave San Francisco, for a hundred reasons (and I'm making a little tiny game about how much I love it here and am heartbroken over the move), but more than anything, because San Francisco is the only place I've ever felt fully at home since I was a little kid. It feels right to be here. Not many people ever get to have that.

 

My heart goes out to you, Danielle. The fact that I will almost certainly have to move in order to get a job with my doctoral degree, leaving behind the best friends of my life and the person I'm in love with, has actually been pushing me out of academia really hard the past year or so. Don't get me wrong, I love writing my dissertation and teaching students about history, but I'm tired of being in crippling poverty and an uncertain living situation in order to do so, with the hardest part still yet to come when I go on the job market. Actually, I've been working up the courage to admit on here that I've started talking to the more successful among my friends about jobs outside of academia that are still academic-, tech-, or creative-adjacent. None of my friends or family really understand why I'm looking into alternatives, I guess the prestige of a Ph.D is just that high, but if next summer rolls around and I'm not within a few months of finishing my dissertation, I'm probably going to make an exit, because there's no way I'm starving while working an untold number of hours a week as an adjunct, just to remain a part of the education system in a country that hates teachers.

 

Now the problem is really just finding a career that I like in St. Louis. I think of myself as extremely talented and motivated, but I already feel like I'm going to be hobbled by a seven-year gap on my resume that's filled by various assistantships, the job descriptions of which never correlated to the sometimes immense amount of work that I did for less than minimum wage, and a general lack of familiarity with working a forty-hour week. I thought about applying for a position as associate director of IT at a nearby university, because the job description was almost exactly what I did last year as technology coordinator for the three different conferences that were held here, but then I saw that the salary was six figures, so they probably don't have someone like me in mind for that, no matter how good I probably am at it...

 

Basically, if any of you hear anything of interest, go ahead and message me, because I'm so hungry for ideas.

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Who cares what they want Gor. Apply anyway. It's up to you to apply for jobs* and they're the ones who should say no, not you.

* Caveat, if you think it would be mentally taxing to you or worry you, then maybe not, but don't do it because you assume you can't fit the role.

I almost didn't apply for my current job cause I don't have a degree in anything programming related, I'm just self taught. But it turns out I'm pretty much exactly what they needed here and I was entirely wrong about who would suit the job. Course I was lucky and just happened to fit despite myself, but I still could have stopped myself from trying. I'm glad I didn't (though I had to be partly coaxed into it) and you shouldn't stop yourself here if it's just cause you assume you're unsuitable.

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Homie, treat yo self by realizing the situation has gone somewhat fubar.

 

My choice: Don't go to Italy, drop her ass and move on.

There are waaaaaaaay too many red flags I'm catching from this person and the way things are heading or going, this shit ain't going to go well for you and everyone is going to get hurt and you'll be in pain for a while.

I think this is wise. Sorry to hear about your crappy situation Speedy. That's an amazing amount of mixed messages to get and have to untangle. But I can't imagine going on a trip with someone I have feelings for that she's already said she doesn't want to go on. That's just setting everyone up to have a miserable time.

Not sure how helpful this is, but I get the feeling from what you wrote that she actually wanted you to manoeuvre things into a relationship and is now upset because that didn't happen and is taking that out on you. Definitely someone who doesn't know her own mind. Here's hoping things work out somewhat okay at least.

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Basically, if any of you hear anything of interest, go ahead and message me, because I'm so hungry for ideas.

I guess if you don't hate the idea of Michigan, I can keep an eye out in my sleepy little college town! I think they're considering expanding their digitization efforts to the medieval archives, which is maybe a thing you could dig.

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What is your field gor? I went straight to industry after my PhD (engineering, mostly maths/analysis stuff). Over here at least, I am able to spin my PhD into lots of different jobs. I've done bioinformatics, audio analysis and now I'm doing low power sensor algorithms. Just apply for the jobs. The biggest hurdle I had when I was job hunting was thinking that industry was like academia and that you had a specialisation and you stuck to it. Industry wants people who aren't fuckups. Many jobs I look at are looking for PhD level education nowadays, or it can cut like 5 years off their 'required' experience level. Also, industry is way less weird than academia.

If you want me to take a look over your cv with an eye to transitioning it to a skill based, industry focussed one give me a poke. I'm really good at criticising other people's stuff.

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I guess if you don't hate the idea of Michigan, I can keep an eye out in my sleepy little college town! I think they're considering expanding their digitization efforts to the medieval archives, which is maybe a thing you could dig.

 

No worries! I'm disinclined to move, but since I still have a year left on my contract here and some hope of finishing my doctorate, I'm mostly just doing informational interviews and building contacts for the time being. It definitely seems like what you're doing is something that I'd wouldn't mind transitioning into, from what I've seen you say on the forums.

 

What is your field gor? I went straight to industry after my PhD (engineering, mostly maths/analysis stuff). Over here at least, I am able to spin my PhD into lots of different jobs. I've done bioinformatics, audio analysis and now I'm doing low power sensor algorithms. Just apply for the jobs. The biggest hurdle I had when I was job hunting was thinking that industry was like academia and that you had a specialisation and you stuck to it. Industry wants people who aren't fuckups. Many jobs I look at are looking for PhD level education nowadays, or it can cut like 5 years off their 'required' experience level. Also, industry is way less weird than academia.

If you want me to take a look over your cv with an eye to transitioning it to a skill based, industry focussed one give me a poke. I'm really good at criticising other people's stuff.

 

My field's medieval history, but I'm actually not terribly accomplished as a scholar in it — one published article, two edited volumes, a half-dozen conference papers.

 

Besides the four courses I've taught over the years, the real job-relevant stuff on my CV are the two academic databases that I've helped to build, four years as the head of a research center's executive board, two years doing exhibitions in our library's special collections, and seven conferences with me as lead technology and volunteer coordinator. Most of that stuff is buried in unofficial duties associated with the assistantships that I held, though, and that's frustrating, almost as much as the complete lack of formal credentials to reflect my technical skills (I've built computers for myself and a half-dozen of my friends; I do tech support for everyone I know, including my incredibly successful friend who's a programmer; etc).

 

Anyway, I'll find the most recent copy of my CV and try to update it, maybe wing it your way in the next few weeks or so, if you think you can work your magic for the liberal arts as well as science. Like I said, I'm just taking it slow and trying to have all my options available for me if and when I start looking next spring or summer.

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Just because they're unofficial, doesn't mean you can't put them on your CV. Big your experience up as much as possible, and when they ask about it in interview they'll know from your responses that you didn't just make it all up.

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The truck kitten is now living in my bathroom. Now that she's got some antibiotics in her, she's eating better and is tons more playful. She does these cute little growl/meows before charging wildly about the room, or before climbing up my shirt. Tentatively calling her Tilly after Tilly and the Wall (a band that I like a whole lot). Hectic three weeks of work started this week. Having to work in time to play with Tilly and keep her fed and medicated is definitely eating into my precious sleep/exercise time. Looking forward to the day when she's old enough to get her tests done at the vet. And if she gets a clean bill of health, I can start letting her out of the bathroom. Hopefully my other 2 cats won't be too mean to her.

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Homie, treat yo self by realizing the situation has gone somewhat fubar.

 

My choice: Don't go to Italy, drop her ass and move on.

There are waaaaaaaay too many red flags I'm catching from this person and the way things are heading or going, this shit ain't going to go well for you and everyone is going to get hurt and you'll be in pain for a while.

 

 

I'm sorry, pabosher. I do agree with namman that the girl doesn't seem to know what she wants and a lot of the pain and confusion from that is falling on you, so it's probably better just to get clear. There's no way to control when is the last time that you see someone whom you care about, but the trip to Italy doesn't sound like it'll be very promising as a capper, given how she's been behaving when you guys have a chance to get close...

 

 

I think this is wise. Sorry to hear about your crappy situation Speedy. That's an amazing amount of mixed messages to get and have to untangle. But I can't imagine going on a trip with someone I have feelings for that she's already said she doesn't want to go on. That's just setting everyone up to have a miserable time.

Not sure how helpful this is, but I get the feeling from what you wrote that she actually wanted you to manoeuvre things into a relationship and is now upset because that didn't happen and is taking that out on you. Definitely someone who doesn't know her own mind. Here's hoping things work out somewhat okay at least.

 

Thanks guys, I know you're right, but following through and saying 'You're right, we shouldn't go' is actually incredibly heartbreaking.

 

And Osmosisch, I don't know. She's been confused the entire time she's been here. The trouble is that it's always been known that she was heading home, so this was never practical. I think that's what stopped her from allowing anything to happen (she's said as much, anyway).

 

 

In other news, I'm seriously considering pulling a Bronstring and just going travelling for 6 weeks around SEAsia, so that could be real fun??

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The truck kitten is now living in my bathroom. Now that she's got some antibiotics in her, she's eating better and is tons more playful. She does these cute little growl/meows before charging wildly about the room, or before climbing up my shirt. Tentatively calling her Tilly after Tilly and the Wall (a band that I like a whole lot). Hectic three weeks of work started this week. Having to work in time to play with Tilly and keep her fed and medicated is definitely eating into my precious sleep/exercise time. Looking forward to the day when she's old enough to get her tests done at the vet. And if she gets a clean bill of health, I can start letting her out of the bathroom. Hopefully my other 2 cats won't be too mean to her.

 

You don't talk about getting a new kitten without posting pics. It's unacceptable. Unacceptable!

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I don't think that's a good idea, for your sake.

 

It sounds like this girl is being kind of selfish and doing what she thinks she wants to do in any given moment without much regard for other people's emotions. It's an awkward position to be in, and it might feel like you're blind-siding her if you're the one to say you don't think it's a good idea, but I think that's what you should do. It would suck to get even closer and more attached to this person who's committed to someone else, or at the very least doesn't seem to be able to commit to you.

 

She's been doing what she thinks is best for her in the short term for a while. I think it's okay for you to do what you think is best for you in the long term now. If you think going to Italy with her is a good idea for you, then by all means go ahead and do that. But from what you've said, I just don't think it would be. You've gotten really attached to someone who seems unable to let herself become attached to you, and -- speaking from hella experience here -- that's not a healthy relationship to be in.

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You don't talk about getting a new kitten without posting pics. It's unacceptable. Unacceptable!

 

We have a thread for just that!

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If you click 'more reply options' at the bottom of the page, it'll give you the option to browse and upload pics from your pc. Took me a while to first figure that out too.

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I don't think that's a good idea, for your sake.

 

It sounds like this girl is being kind of selfish and doing what she thinks she wants to do in any given moment without much regard for other people's emotions. It's an awkward position to be in, and it might feel like you're blind-siding her if you're the one to say you don't think it's a good idea, but I think that's what you should do. It would suck to get even closer and more attached to this person who's committed to someone else, or at the very least doesn't seem to be able to commit to you.

 

She's been doing what she thinks is best for her in the short term for a while. I think it's okay for you to do what you think is best for you in the long term now. If you think going to Italy with her is a good idea for you, then by all means go ahead and do that. But from what you've said, I just don't think it would be. You've gotten really attached to someone who seems unable to let herself become attached to you, and -- speaking from hella experience here -- that's not a healthy relationship to be in.

on point.

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Fuck, you're all right. I just need to figure out how to tell her now.

It's going to be hard and it's not going to feel good. I'm sorry you're in this position. It's not a good place to be.

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My heart goes out to you, Danielle. The fact that I will almost certainly have to move in order to get a job with my doctoral degree, leaving behind the best friends of my life and the person I'm in love with, has actually been pushing me out of academia really hard the past year or so. Don't get me wrong, I love writing my dissertation and teaching students about history, but I'm tired of being in crippling poverty and an uncertain living situation in order to do so, with the hardest part still yet to come when I go on the job market. Actually, I've been working up the courage to admit on here that I've started talking to the more successful among my friends about jobs outside of academia that are still academic-, tech-, or creative-adjacent. None of my friends or family really understand why I'm looking into alternatives, I guess the prestige of a Ph.D is just that high, but if next summer rolls around and I'm not within a few months of finishing my dissertation, I'm probably going to make an exit, because there's no way I'm starving while working an untold number of hours a week as an adjunct, just to remain a part of the education system in a country that hates teachers.

 

Now the problem is really just finding a career that I like in St. Louis. I think of myself as extremely talented and motivated, but I already feel like I'm going to be hobbled by a seven-year gap on my resume that's filled by various assistantships, the job descriptions of which never correlated to the sometimes immense amount of work that I did for less than minimum wage, and a general lack of familiarity with working a forty-hour week. I thought about applying for a position as associate director of IT at a nearby university, because the job description was almost exactly what I did last year as technology coordinator for the three different conferences that were held here, but then I saw that the salary was six figures, so they probably don't have someone like me in mind for that, no matter how good I probably am at it...

 

Basically, if any of you hear anything of interest, go ahead and message me, because I'm so hungry for ideas.

 

I'm in a similar situation in terms of nearing the end of a PhD program and staring down a grim academic job market. I think the scariest thing for me is watching the smartest people I've ever met, people who are far more talented and motivated than me with great teaching evaluations and publication records, go on the market and get absolutely nothing. It really has me considering the alternatives, like some of the educational technology positions I see posted at my university. If you have any interest in that kind of stuff I can post the next one that comes up on here (I'm a year and a half or so away from applying for one of them myself).

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Basically, if any of you hear anything of interest, go ahead and message me, because I'm so hungry for ideas.

 

Here's where my heart goes out to YOU - I've been an adjunct for 6 and a half years now, mainly because I need a side gig on top of FT work *because* of the MA I earned that allows me to teach university (vicious cycle, academia is the worst, don't talk to me about student loans etc.). And being treated as disposable rather sucks (enrollment is down, so I've had two courses cancelled in the last year - money I needed, so I'm scrambling right now, in the middle of this move, to secure more teaching work/teaching jobs at other colleges).

 

What I will say is this - if you can find FT work and take a job as an adjunct somewhere as your part-time job, it can work beautifully. You are somewhat insulated from the worst of the inter-and-intra-departmental politics, which I find to be the worst part of teaching. You'll also have more to offer your students, imo, if you work in your field outside the classroom.

 

I'm curious, what kinds of jobs are you interested in (the creative adjunct part intrigued me).

 

Good luck!

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I'm in a similar situation in terms of nearing the end of a PhD program and staring down a grim academic job market. I think the scariest thing for me is watching the smartest people I've ever met, people who are far more talented and motivated than me with great teaching evaluations and publication records, go on the market and get absolutely nothing. It really has me considering the alternatives, like some of the educational technology positions I see posted at my university. If you have any interest in that kind of stuff I can post the next one that comes up on here (I'm a year and a half or so away from applying for one of them myself).

 

Thanks, help like that is exactly what I have in mind! We can help each other out here, if you like. I mean, I'm well-liked and have a lot of clout in my department, it's just not going to get me a professorship that I can live on.

 

Also, we had our department's beginning-of-year reception tonight, and it was a really interesting feeling being there. I love the atmosphere of an academic department and there's just so much hope surrounding our research about rich white men who've been dead for a millennium, but then the conversation transitioned to the fact that there are four tenure-track professorships opening up for the two hundred Ph.Ds in medieval history graduating this year, soI was back to looking for a way out after only a little bit.

 

Here's where my heart goes out to YOU - I've been an adjunct for 6 and a half years now, mainly because I need a side gig on top of FT work *because* of the MA I earned that allows me to teach university (vicious cycle, academia is the worst, don't talk to me about student loans etc.). And being treated as disposable rather sucks (enrollment is down, so I've had two courses cancelled in the last year - money I needed, so I'm scrambling right now, in the middle of this move, to secure more teaching work/teaching jobs at other colleges).

 

What I will say is this - if you can find FT work and take a job as an adjunct somewhere as your part-time job, it can work beautifully. You are somewhat insulated from the worst of the inter-and-intra-departmental politics, which I find to be the worst part of teaching. You'll also have more to offer your students, imo, if you work in your field outside the classroom.

 

I'm curious, what kinds of jobs are you interested in (the creative adjunct part intrigued me).

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks, Danielle! I'll try not to geek out talking with a celebrity like you.

 

What you posted about getting something full-time to supplement my teaching work is almost exactly the reasoning that finally sold my girlfriend on this decision: if I'm going to be working forty-plus hours a week while finishing my doctorate, it might as well be for good pay at a job that respects my time, which adjuncting almost never does in my experience, particularly if you're trying to juggle more than two courses. That way, if I blow out on the Ph.D like a little part of me fears that I'm going to do, I'll have money in the bank and an alternate career path already blazed for my thirties. It's boring, but it feels smart, and you're right that I already have the masters to come back and teach on my own terms if I feel the call. I hadn't thought of that.

 

Anyway, I'm probably misusing the term "adjacent" when talking about my abiding interest in remaining close to the academic, creative, and tech industries. I mostly use it to signify that I don't have much aptitude for programming or art or even (tragically) writing, but I love supporting people who do, and I'd love to serve as an editor in some capacity, even the abstract. That's why most of what I'm looking at right now are special collections in academic libraries, marketing and administration for university colleges, and maybe IT or tech for a company doing some type of artistic work out here. As of now, I'm just trying to talk to as many people as possible who seem to enjoy their jobs, to get an idea of how they knew what they wanted and how they got it.

 

Hilariously, I just had coffee with an acquaintance who's risen rapidly to be de jure head of marketing at the business school of the biggest university in town, and she was really adamant that an interview with career services would help me, especially my technical status as a student here would make it free. Career services, who'd have thought? They were crap at my undergrad and I just figured they'd be crap everywhere.

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pboshe - it's easy how to tell her: "I think you're great, but you're messing me around and I'm not up for that, so let's call it a day."

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