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For me it's that one of the things I value most from a relationship requires being with someone. Not sex solely, but everything that goes with living with someone. Being in contact when sitting watching TV, cooking together, helping out with chores. That stuff means a lot to me, and it all disappears in a long distance thing. I've tried it before with an ex and it failed badly. 

 

Also, I'm awful at phone calls, even video calls. I just run out of things to say because I feel like there's loads of pressure to talk. It makes it seem like I'm not interested in talking with someone.

 

Ok I guess I have some small advice. Skype may be a hellhole of bad quality, but if you're both willing and use computers too much, then you might be able to casually skype as you browse the internet/do whatever you do on there. That was a lot of the quality time we had together. Obviously that was different for us because it's what we started off doing anyway, but it is still nice and takes away the idea that you have to constantly be in conversation.

If you're doing that, just be careful you don't accidentally feel tied to the computer and end up using it too much just because you can talk on there. Hopefully the moving nine hours away means that regular phonecalls aren't going to be prohibitively expensive for you.

 

I have nothing to add to the conversation, but i had to chime in to say, the way you have constructed that sentence makes it look like a PUA tactic.

I'm a long range PUA.

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Long distance activities that me and my then girlfriend did -

 

1. Watching Netflix together (sync start times with a 3-2-1 thing) and usually voicechat at the same time

2. Playing games together online, we played a lot of Guild Wars in particular

3. Reading books to each other, audiobook-style

4. Doing as SBM suggests, just keeping the Skype video call open while doing other things. Doesn't require constant engagement if it's something more passive.

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Long distance activities that me and my then girlfriend did -

 

3. Reading books to each other, audiobook-style

 

The lady absolutely adores being read to, and this is a thing we did as well. 

 

We also played hangman together a lot, on a public game, and entertained ourselves by trying to code messages into our word selections that other players would never get.  That game never had a huge population, and there was even a little forum on it.  A year or so after we quit playing, I went on the forum and told the regulars that we were a couple and had gotten engaged.  The reaction from them all is still up there as one of the highlights of how good the internet can be. 

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I worked it out as well. We were together for about 5 or 6 years when she started a PHD program, and there was some worry about the future, so I stayed in NY. It's been about 6 or 7 years, but we're moving back in together in two months.

 

It can be done if you want it to! We had a good foundation, and we're both sort of solitary people so the situation played to our inclinations. You might need to work on your phone skills though. 

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I admire the strength of all of you in long distance relationships. Some misgivings I've had in previous relationships were magnified (or perhaps surfaced) because I was 30-40 minutes away, let alone hours and hours.

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It wasn't easy, and the only way I was really able to do it was:

1. nightly skype calls, where we would just talk about our days, the calls weren't always super long, sometimes just to say good night and give a quick highlights, but it gave me something to look forward to each night.

2. Always having a day I could point to that we were going to see each other next, even if it was months away, having that date made this feel less like an indefinite relationship purgatory

3.having some media to share, like we would watch tv together on netflix, or watch it at different times and then talk about it together

4. Being in the same (or similar) timezones, so you can check in throughout the day

5. Texting or Facebook or skype messaging throughout the day, even if it's like "I saw a funny license plate, here's a picture" stuff

6. Building or leaning on a group of local friends to combat the loneliness

7. Playing games together, could be asynchronous like scrabble on your phone or real time like an MMO

 

Personally I have a very hard time verbalizing my emotions, and that makes being long distance harder. If you or your partner communicate emotion mostly through non-verbal cues, it's can be straining.

The things I missed most were certainly just the things that come with proximity to your partner, like just hanging out in down time, brushing your teeth at the same time or whatever.

I never fault anyone for distance being a deciding factor in whether or not to end a relationship, because it's not super fun. I usually recommend people try it for a little while, but again, ultimately your choice.

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I got a graduate assistantship this year through some backroom politicking, even though my contract is supposed to be up, and I feel incredibly lucky for the money and health insurance that it represents, but there are already issues. In my job briefing early this week, I was informed of two non-negotiable dates that I have to work with full twelve-hour shifts, but I've just found out that a family wedding is taking place on the second of the two. I'm almost certain that my new bosses won't accommodate me, so it's time to call in some more favors to persuade another grad student to sub for me... except the guy most likely to be their sub of choice is the busiest guy in the whole department. Ugh! I hate jobs.

 

For me it's that one of the things I value most from a relationship requires being with someone. Not sex solely, but everything that goes with living with someone. Being in contact when sitting watching TV, cooking together, helping out with chores. That stuff means a lot to me, and it all disappears in a long distance thing. I've tried it before with an ex and it failed badly. 

 

Also, I'm awful at phone calls, even video calls. I just run out of things to say because I feel like there's loads of pressure to talk. It makes it seem like I'm not interested in talking with someone.

 

My heart goes out to you, man. Most of my relationships have been long-distance, largely because I've had the luck of dating people in the middle of life transitions, and every single one's been dragged down by the distance and our respective flaws, especially with regards to communication skills. None of them ended up hating me, but all of them ended up pretty firmly done. So yeah, if it's something you want, go for it, but good luck if you do.

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I'm a little late to the convo, but I am long distance often due to work with my wife of almost three years.  We've been that way from the beginning.  It's hard work for sure but so doable!  I wanted to just put in my two cents to offer a little hope.  

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I'll be doing a brief long-distance stint with my girlfriend for 4-6 months starting next month. We've been together three years so I think we will be able to work out, especially because there is a definite time when I will be coming back and we will be moving out together (we have never lived together). I will definitely be trying to keep in mind a lot of the advice from you guys. We really enjoy phone calls with each other already which is nice. Main problem is trying to manage my terrible fear and unfounded jealousy. And the timezones will be quite different (I will be in Japan, her in BC, Canada).

 

So, I guess the main thing I'm worried about is myself constantly freaking out. Hmm. Speaking of freaking out, I have (sort of) taken a page out of the Dan Ryckert book (bear with me) and begun keeping track of my moods each day. Basically it's just a chart that has how I felt early in the day, late in the day, plus how much I slept, if I exercised, etc. I'm trying to figure out how/why I get my lows and what I can try to do to manage it. If I can (kind of) predict when I will feel worse then I can maybe manage it better? It would certainly be better than randomly waking up and feeling awful for a week. Tho maybe all I will find out is that it's essentially random. At the very least, it will be something I can look at and say "well, I have empirical proof that I don't feel this terrible all the time and it is possible for me to be happy." 

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I'm lucky in that I have absolutely no jealousy issues. Stuff like that doesn't cross my mind. And the time zones will only be 1 hour apart (with her 1 hour ahead which is great because I like to go to sleep early). 

I'm going to try, but because there's no definitive date for her to move back to the UK, it concerns me. If it was "I'm going here for X months/years" I could handle it, but it's just "I'm going here because I can't find a job." So it feels like it'll just go on and on until one of us gives up.

 

Also I do not want to live in the Czech Republic, there's nothing there for me, while she actively wants to live in the UK. 

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I don't think that's so true. Sure, there's no definitive date, but you said earlier that you're planning on moving back down after the current job ends, which is in 6-9 months. So if you think of a tentative soft date for her coming back to be between 6-9 months (depending on how fast you find a job in London), it's not so bad?

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If this isn't too personal of a question, how do you feel about her?  Obviously you care about her a lot, is it to the point of thinking she's a potential lifelong partner?  I know it's a personal question, but sometimes relationships hit natural ends, which doesn't make it hurt any less, or make it a failed relationship, or make it any less confusing about what you should do. 

 

Another option is to actually relax the definition of what your relationship is.  If you're not a jealous person, giving each of you some more freedom, while maintaining contact and remaining open to her moving back to the UK once you're in a different place may be a good solution.  I think it's the kind of solution that carries equal amounts of risk to just a typical long distance relationship, just different types of risk.  Just depends on the personalities of you both on which would feel like the better path to future success. 

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I have no relationship advice so instead I'm going to intrude and talk about myself instead.

 

This whole month has been insanely busy for me.  Most of the time has been spent preparing for a big visit by the NRC (Nuclear Regulatory Commission, the US Government agency that oversees nuclear power plants.  Anytime they're here it's a big deal because these are the guys who can shut you down or fine you).  I can't go into detail, but the visit in general covers a lot of the projects going on here.  There were several members of the NRC each covering a discipline instead of a specific project (ie electrical, mechanical, etc).  The exception to that was my project, which had one guy specifically assigned to it.  I was super nervous about it because unlike the other projects, I'm the only one who can answer his questions.  But the whole thing went great and I ended up being the only person out of the group who closed all their items.  It felt really good to be able to do that.  I even got some management kudos.  Next week I'm going to be out of the office attending a user's group conference, which stinks because it means I'm going to miss almost all of SGDQ.

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Forgive me if I'm misreading and you are already right on top of this. Is there any way you can help her look for jobs where you're going to be next year as a longer term solution, as opposed to the next 6-12 months?

 

It all sounds rough. I'm sorry.

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I'll be doing a brief long-distance stint with my girlfriend for 4-6 months starting next month. We've been together three years so I think we will be able to work out, especially because there is a definite time when I will be coming back and we will be moving out together (we have never lived together). I will definitely be trying to keep in mind a lot of the advice from you guys. We really enjoy phone calls with each other already which is nice. Main problem is trying to manage my terrible fear and unfounded jealousy. And the timezones will be quite different (I will be in Japan, her in BC, Canada).

 

So, I guess the main thing I'm worried about is myself constantly freaking out. Hmm. Speaking of freaking out, I have (sort of) taken a page out of the Dan Ryckert book (bear with me) and begun keeping track of my moods each day. Basically it's just a chart that has how I felt early in the day, late in the day, plus how much I slept, if I exercised, etc. I'm trying to figure out how/why I get my lows and what I can try to do to manage it. If I can (kind of) predict when I will feel worse then I can maybe manage it better? It would certainly be better than randomly waking up and feeling awful for a week. Tho maybe all I will find out is that it's essentially random. At the very least, it will be something I can look at and say "well, I have empirical proof that I don't feel this terrible all the time and it is possible for me to be happy." 

 

I would suggest also jotting down less factual things like food or sleep and more if something happened to you emotionally too. A lot of my anxiety is triggered by something happening that my brain doesn't know how to cope with on some basic level and so it just spirals out. Walking back to what the source of that is, which is sometimes buried in a million former events, is hard but that's definitely how I worked on it in therapy. Not sure if it works like that for depression though.

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I have no relationship advice so instead I'm going to intrude and talk about myself instead.

 

This whole month has been insanely busy for me.  Most of the time has been spent preparing for a big visit by the NRC (Nuclear Regulatory Commission, the US Government agency that oversees nuclear power plants.  Anytime they're here it's a big deal because these are the guys who can shut you down or fine you).  I can't go into detail, but the visit in general covers a lot of the projects going on here.  There were several members of the NRC each covering a discipline instead of a specific project (ie electrical, mechanical, etc).  The exception to that was my project, which had one guy specifically assigned to it.  I was super nervous about it because unlike the other projects, I'm the only one who can answer his questions.  But the whole thing went great and I ended up being the only person out of the group who closed all their items.  It felt really good to be able to do that.  I even got some management kudos.  Next week I'm going to be out of the office attending a user's group conference, which stinks because it means I'm going to miss almost all of SGDQ.

 

This sounds so absolutely badass.  You very much live up to your username!  

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That's a good point, AppleCider. I've been trying to keep notes of what I did each day, but it would be impossible to track all the little things that happen that could affect how I feel. I've been doing this for 2 weeks and the main thing I've noticed is that I go a lot longer without seeing my friends than I thought. I live about 30mins away from most of them, and before I was keeping track I thought I saw them regularly, but now I can see the days slip into a week+ and it's usually after that period of too much alone time that I start to get quite down. I always used to think I really liked being alone but I'm starting to realize how important it is to get out and be in contact with people. It seems obvious but yeah. Recently, I've been sort of trying to pull away from part of my circle of friends because they're totally toxic to my girlfriend and I, so there are less opportunities to be social, and I sort of have to make them myself which is new. 

 

However, I'm trying to get at least some exercise each day and meditate and I've been feeling better since seeing the doctor. He basically just told me to exercise and be more social, but it changed my perspective from this being something that just happens to me inevitably to something I can try to manage and lessen through a better lifestyle. I think I'm going to look into therapy when I get back from Japan. 

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I regret that I don't have much to offer on the long-distance-relationship front.  It's tough, and I wish anyone going through it the best.

 

I've just recently come back from a holiday overseas, which was nice.  I went to Paris for the first time to see the sites, and then went to visit my grandmother in a small town in Scotland.  I love visiting her as she's a wonderful woman, but it's also incredibly bittersweet.  She's 98 years old and is obviously in the winter of her life.  She's fairly independent and is in decent physical health (as decent as one can be at 98, anyway).  She lives by herself and has personal support workers in twice a day to help out with bathing, personal comfort, etc.  They're wonderful people.

 

It's sad to visit because her short-term memory is going, so sometimes she'll mistake me for my father (she usually snaps out of it pretty quickly) but also she can't take decent care of her house anymore.  She has particular habits, such as closing all of the doors all the time, and never opening windows (mostly because I presume she can't anymore), so the air is very stale in her house.  The worst manifestation of this is in the bathroom, where there's wallpaper.  There's a lot of black mould there, which is obviously very dangerous for someone her age.  I was only there for five days, so I couldn't fix everything.  I'm hopeful that my dad will be able to convince her that she needs a professional to come in and take care of it, and to have an air exchanger installed.

 

As I said, I love visiting, but I also dislike it because that means leaving, and every time I visit, it is increasingly likely to be my last visit there, which is absolutely heartbreaking.  As much as I'd like to convince myself that she still has a decade left, she likely doesn't.  I go as frequently as I can, which right now is once every two years (international travel is expensive, yo), but I'm really hoping that I can improve that for 2016.  I hate it because every time I leave, I have to say goodbye to her forever.

 

My sister doesn't visit as often as she should; I hope she doesn't have any regrets when the worst happens.  

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Done! DONE WRITING MY TOUR!

 

A three month long thinking and writing process that I finally finished. Jesus, fuck me, Christ, I'm done.

 

I will no longer be tour guide trainee. I'm transforming to being a tour guide and be dishing out knowledge to motherfuckers that come to the capital building. 


Fuck me, that took a bit, but I'm so happy and proud. :D

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How many guns does a spy need? You'd figure about a dozen could pretty much cover all your bases.

 

Also, my birthday is Sunday, the July birthday train keeps rolling.

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How could he have told her a secret agent would pick up his dead body if he was already dead?

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If some rich guy enjoyed pretending he was a spy then good for him. It's not like he was out shooting people. Weird to deceive his wife though.

 

You also think the authorities would notice someone buying over a thousand guns, but maybe tracking that stuff isn't allowed?

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Done! DONE WRITING MY TOUR!

 

A three month long thinking and writing process that I finally finished. Jesus, fuck me, Christ, I'm done.

 

I will no longer be tour guide trainee. I'm transforming to being a tour guide and be dishing out knowledge to motherfuckers that come to the capital building. 

Fuck me, that took a bit, but I'm so happy and proud. :D

Talked to my supervisor and I have to re-tool it.

 

I have a better theme now--which will help me flesh out the direction of my tour--and I'm happy I don't have to change my tour too much. 

I don't know. I my mind is frazzled and exhausted and I want this to end, but I'm having a good time and I'm motivated like I've never been before.

 

So this is what it's like to have a job that doesn't feel like a job. Huh.

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