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I'm goddamn miserable lately.

 

i wrote a fucking rambly-ass essay apparently so i'll just spoiler tag that shit eh don't read it it's awful i feel bad for even typing all of this

 

I've had this job since last September. So coming up on a year in two months. I've yet to be on an interesting project. That's not true, I was on one, and it was fun, even if we all knew there were some serious problems. But then we were told to stop. That's okay, I've only been here less than a year, and I'm the second newest programmer (although we've got a new one coming soon, I sure hope he doesn't get put on the new project that's coming up because I'll feel real shitty if that happens and I don't also get to work on it). The project I'm on is less important to me than the people I work with, anyway.

 

It's not actually terrible? I think I'm just miserable because I'm miserable, at this point. For a while I was strongly considering (and sort of trying) to find a new job. I think I mentioned in here that I got contacted by a Japanese headhunter. It wouldn't have been in games, but it would've been in Japan. She hasn't responded for weeks. Anyway, then I decided, no, I'm going to make this work. I need to get out of this mindset that I can't be happy unless I go over there, to that new place, because that new place might be what I want, what I need. That's what I thought Dallas would be, and it wasn't. But it's me, not Dallas. Right? I dunno.

 

I don't have a car. But even if I had one, I don't know what I'd do with it. I'm not sure I exactly love the people I'm working with. There are people I like, and I don't actually dislike anyone! Not even the guy who... I think we just have similar aggressive personalities, and we clash a lot, and a couple times I've snapped at him recently, like just fuck off guy, I'm trying to calmly explain why you are misunderstanding the situation, and you just keep talking over me, louder and louder, and now we're almost yelling, and it's not a big office, dude, everyone can hear us, ugh now I'm just embarrassed for myself. I'm ten years old again. I feel like everyone will just always take his side, because I feel the need to defend myself when I'm feeling attacked. Which is all the time because I'm self-conscious about everything. I should just stop expressing opinions. Oh, I criticized that aspect of that video game, that means I hate it, that means I hate everything. Fuck you. Fuck me. I'm gonna... confront this guy tomorrow morning. We're always the first people in, so I can do that without it being too awkward, maybe. I feel like I've got to. I don't want this to keep escalating. We're adults. Let's act like some fucking adults. I hope it goes well. I think it will... at least short-term.

 

What is happening! That's not where this post was supposed to go.

 

I want to be happy. I don't know if I've ever been happy. Like really happy, permanently happy. I've had good days. Eh. The closest I've come was in Tokyo, and also in San Francisco. Tokyo maybe because it was just like "wow i'm fuckin' doin' this aren't I" and San Francisco because I had some real good friends and a solid job (until I got laid off haha) and a nice apartment and I hated my roommate but eh whatever can't win 'em all. I really loved those friends. Of course they also got laid off so everyone's somewhere different now. SF wouldn't even be the same if I went back...

 

I've had good, real friends before, but they didn't coincide with other good things, y'know. Like I was in school. I don't like school. Ehhh. I sorta like school. I like the learning part. I don't like the working part.

 

But I'm going on vacation next week to the beach. I fucking love the beach. It's one of the few places I feel like I'm never unhappy. Something about the ocean, I dunno. I'd love to live on a nice calm beach and open a nice calm beach bar with like five regulars and maybe a busy night once a month and just work on dumb little games in my free time. That's my dream. Obviously... it's just a dream. It'll never happen. Dreams don't come true. or if they do they're just a little off, like, that's what you asked for, but it's not what you really wanted. Also, the thought of me, me running a bar of any sort is kind of laughable. I'm terrible at people. Anyway, not important. I love the beach. The sound of the ocean, the feel of the wind, that's all I need in my life. Maybe I just have a boat instead and I put a Game-Making Boat thing on Kickstarter and then I just do that. Yeah, yeah.

 

Then I come back to work for a week, and then I'm off to Seattle for the big Dota 2 tournament. Fuck, trying to explain to my coworkers why I'm into this is a nightmare. THEY'RE ALL ALSO GAMERS WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. Anyway, I hope that'll be fun. I'll see some old friends while I'm there. I think I'd like to live in Seattle, too.

 

Oh also one of my few good friends, I know it's probably strictly my fault, but I don't know, she just stopped talking to me. I took a joke too far, and... she didn't like it, I guess. I'd rather not go into details on this, but... up until this point, she's never expressed discontent at anything I've done, except when I've gotten mad at her for doing things I didn't want, which... she didn't deserve. I'm not a good person. I know this. But ah. She won't even respond. I see that she's read my messages, but she doesn't respond. So I guess that's over. She's my one anchor to reality. She makes me realize I'm being stupid when I'm talking myself down. Well she used to, anyway.

 

Maybe she's taking a queue from all of the girls I've tried talking to lately through dating apps and whatnot. Don't tell me you're not interested after a couple dates and me being super patient with your random life issues, no, just completely stop responding. Love it. Real nice. GREAT! (Although there is a new one that seems really nice and I haven't met her in real life yet but maybe? I have to hope, because hope is all I have left.) I shouldn't be dating, anyway, not in this mindset. Right? I think. I certainly wouldn't want to deal with me.

 

...

 

But then I'm back at work again after nerd fest. I need to get a car. I guess I need to find a therapist or whatever. I've said that a thousand times. Maybe I'll actually do it this time.

 

Every time I think about how fucked up I am I feel super guilty because I know I'm pretty lucky as far as my general life situation goes. And that just makes me feel even worse. I suppose I feel slightly better having written it out, getting some of it out of my head and into the world.

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Thanks. It means a lot to hear this stuff. Like you, Bjorn, I have spent a long time trying to deny there was anything wrong. It feels good to finally say it. I have been trying to exercise more lately and watching what I eat. I have a consistent weight because I'm young and weird but when I don't feel good I tend to overeat until I feel sick and then keep going. I'm trying to work on that impulse, but it's hard. Hopefully, like you said, medical help (be it medication or therapy or w/e) will give me the boost I need. And thanks, Mangela. I have never been on prescription medication of any sort before and I'm really unsure of what it's going to do or how it would help. I don't really remember what it was like not having these feelings. On one hand I'm scared of the idea of taking pills for my brain (which I've heard is a common worry), but on the other hand if it'll help I'm willing to try.

 

Thanks a lot for the support. 

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Don't you worry, Cestus, you'll give through it, and when you do, you'll come out stronger.

 

I've dealt with depression, mania, suicide, loneliness and undiagnosed--recently diagnosed--bipolar 1 ever since I was a little kid and I'm still here. 

 

Mangela Lansbury really nailed it on how it's like to be with meds; it just allows you to get your shit together and allows those unwanted thoughts and feelings to be more manageable. 


Also, find a fucking outlet. It's okay to release those negative thoughts/feelings. Try to find someone or something to release what's inside you and don't feel bad about it; don't ever feel bad about yourself and your life; be proud of yourself, even when it's shitty.

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I think for now I still support friends and family who choose to join the armed forces. I know many of them have been deployed as part of a civil disaster relief force in places like Samoa and Christchurch. Even when they haven't they've most commonly gone over to the Solomons and East Timor; states that as far as I know had fallen into strife and part of my ideals (and possibly ignorance?) see their deployments as helping to bring stability to stricken places.

 

There are many things in life worth fighting for, and we should respect those that are willing to do the fighting for those of us that aren't willing. Though some missions that they are sent on are questionable at best (especially in hindsight) the people at the ground level are just people, 90% of them just trying to do the best thing they can at the time.

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Lot of capital L Life stuff happening to me right now (moving to San Francisco, recovering from breast cancer surgery, starting a new job, etc). It's all exciting but also I have to get a lot done in a short amount of time. So I made this dumb thing as a way to help relax http://chrisremopicturesofstuff.tumblr.com/

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Lot of capital L Life stuff happening to me right now (moving to San Francisco, recovering from breast cancer surgery, starting a new job, etc). It's all exciting but also I have to get a lot done in a short amount of time. So I made this dumb thing as a way to help relax http://chrisremopicturesofstuff.tumblr.com/

 

Hah, I love it. Very meta.

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oh my god chris taking a picture of the word BESPOKE. I'm dying.

 

I hope it's helped you relax half as much as it's lifted my spirits this evening.

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Lot of capital L Life stuff happening to me right now (moving to San Francisco, recovering from breast cancer surgery, starting a new job, etc). It's all exciting but also I have to get a lot done in a short amount of time. So I made this dumb thing as a way to help relax http://chrisremopicturesofstuff.tumblr.com/

idea: post the photos that Remo has taken, then your pictures and then get a third photographer taking a picture of what Remo is taking, of you and the overall environment you two are in. If you want to push this further, get satellite photography of the three of you.

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idea: post the photos that Remo has taken, then your pictures and then get a third photographer taking a picture of what Remo is taking, of you and the overall environment you two are in. If you want to push this further, get satellite photography of the three of you.

 

CwwTy8z.png

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Hey There,

 

Long time reader, first time Idle Forum-er. 

 

Heard about this section on a recent cast, and I thought it might be a good place to ask if any folks here live in the LA area and know a good therapist? 

 

I'm a video game developer who just moved down to LA from Seattle for a dream job here, and I should be happy, but I'm overwhelmed and constantly anxious and don't really want to go back on SSRI's. 

 

Sorry if this is too heavy for the forums, but I don't really want to go up to new co-workers and say "Hey guys who else is in therapy and likes the person they have?" 

 

Cheers, and looking forward to participating in some other good discussions on these clearly rad forums.

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oh my god chris taking a picture of the word BESPOKE. I'm dying.

 

I hope it's helped you relax half as much as it's lifted my spirits this evening.

 

That picture is amazing.  Seriously.  Also, the entire blog is so charming, thank you for sharing it Argobot, it really is a balm.

 

It also reminds me that I should take more pictures.  I'm the worst at ever taking pictures of things.

 

 

Sorry if this is too heavy for the forums, but I don't really want to go up to new co-workers and say "Hey guys who else is in therapy and likes the person they have?" 

 

Cheers, and looking forward to participating in some other good discussions on these clearly rad forums.

 

I have no advice for you, because I've only briefly visited LA once.  But this is perfectly appropriate to bring up here, people talk about a lot of serious problems they face on a regular basis here.

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Hey There,

 

Long time reader, first time Idle Forum-er. 

 

Heard about this section on a recent cast, and I thought it might be a good place to ask if any folks here live in the LA area and know a good therapist? 

 

I'm a video game developer who just moved down to LA from Seattle for a dream job here, and I should be happy, but I'm overwhelmed and constantly anxious and don't really want to go back on SSRI's. 

 

Sorry if this is too heavy for the forums, but I don't really want to go up to new co-workers and say "Hey guys who else is in therapy and likes the person they have?" 

 

Cheers, and looking forward to participating in some other good discussions on these clearly rad forums.

 

It's hard to recommend therapists because so much of therapy depends on you. The best thing to do is just find someone who makes you comfortable and who you can trust.

 

Also because LA is fuckin huge

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That picture is amazing.  Seriously.  Also, the entire blog is so charming, thank you for sharing it Argobot, it really is a balm.

 

It also reminds me that I should take more pictures.  I'm the worst at ever taking pictures of things.

 

I should definitely take more pictures of things. I am very bad at taking pictures. Of things.

 

I love the #buttclan pics as well. I remember A conversation the Thumbs had about Butt Clan, but I don't think that was THE conversation about it.

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Hey There,

 

Long time reader, first time Idle Forum-er. 

 

Heard about this section on a recent cast, and I thought it might be a good place to ask if any folks here live in the LA area and know a good therapist? 

 

I'm a video game developer who just moved down to LA from Seattle for a dream job here, and I should be happy, but I'm overwhelmed and constantly anxious and don't really want to go back on SSRI's. 

 

Sorry if this is too heavy for the forums, but I don't really want to go up to new co-workers and say "Hey guys who else is in therapy and likes the person they have?" 

 

Cheers, and looking forward to participating in some other good discussions on these clearly rad forums.

 

I lived in LA for years and years, and while I was there (as a graduate student through the last half of my time there) the only way that I could make it through my time was through a lot of therapy, both individual and group. I was lucky that I had access to the university mental health services, but really, don't ever feel shame asking people about how they get through life. It might take a while for you to find a person you click with, but you should keep at it. And also, if it's possible, if you could find a weekly group therapy meeting with some people about your age, it's sometimes just really great to meet with the same group of people every week to kind of lend your support, to learn how to listen, and to learn that everyone is in the same situation, even if it doesn't seem like it.

 

Being a person is fucking hard. It's overwhelming, even when you have your dream job (maybe especially when you have your dream job). Know that here you have some people who will listen, of course, but also, know that there are a lot of places to find therapy options throughout Los Angeles. 

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After my whine fest last night, I'm feeling much better. Nothing's really changed, but I got to vent, and that's nice. I hope no one read it because it's just embarrassing! I am a mess.

 

I still need to figure some shit out, and I will after I get back from TI4. It helps seeing other people going through similar shit and making an effort to change things. So good on you people!

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I lived in LA for years and years, and while I was there (as a graduate student through the last half of my time there) the only way that I could make it through my time was through a lot of therapy, both individual and group. I was lucky that I had access to the university mental health services, but really, don't ever feel shame asking people about how they get through life. It might take a while for you to find a person you click with, but you should keep at it. And also, if it's possible, if you could find a weekly group therapy meeting with some people about your age, it's sometimes just really great to meet with the same group of people every week to kind of lend your support, to learn how to listen, and to learn that everyone is in the same situation, even if it doesn't seem like it.

 

Being a person is fucking hard. It's overwhelming, even when you have your dream job (maybe especially when you have your dream job). Know that here you have some people who will listen, of course, but also, know that there are a lot of places to find therapy options throughout Los Angeles. 

 

Appreciate it, glad I'm not the only one struggling upon arrival here :) 

 

I'm going to look into one of those group sessions that sounds like it could be really great.

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 I used to have that so bad, eventually it'd start cycling round pretty quick and apparently having bad circadian rhythms is a symptom of all sorts of stuff. Once I start getting up later, there's nothing I can do to reverse it, going to sleep earlier will usually keep me up all night.

 

Oooh don't get me started. It's also a direct cause of all sort of stuff. 

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Woke up at 2:30 this morning thinking about measuring couches, how little I have packed, how much money I've spent, how to rent a moving van.

 

This is awesome everyone. Living in a single-person unit is the best I love every second of planning this.

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Life has been pretty okay lately but sometimes I forget that okay is tenuous if I don't keep up on things I learned in therapy. The last week or so has been hitting me some shit that freaked me out and I sort of just neglected to assess my mental state about it. same with not getting enough sleep because I've been doing longer shifts so I can bail out early tomorrow. All of this lead up to a panicky, paranoid meltdown this morning. Keeping routines and continuing to TALK about my feelings vs. stuffing them all up is still something I mess up from time to time and I can see my mental state decay pretty rapidly. But at least it;s not as bad as my anxiety used to be but it was pretty horrible to have the same full-body anxiety feelings I got really used to a few years ago. 

 

I still really struggle with paranoia and thinking that all of my friends hate me or are mad because we don't talk as much as we used to but I need to work on this pro-actively vs. reactively fussing and speculating. On the other hand, it takes an immense amount of patience as the other party to effectively deal with your friend constantly asking if you are mad or whatever. The last time I did, my one friend said it was pretty unfair to think that of her and I sort of meekly wanted to just keep saying that it's my brain and I can't help it. I really can't help it and that's the frustrating part of mental illness. I have spent much of my life hiding really awful things from everyone I know and sort of shouldering the emotions to myself and it's made me incredibly unstable and surface-level at times - people who are close to me don't really get an accurate picture of what's going on in my head at any time. 

 

So I guess my advice to everyone is to try and maintain a proper sort of eating, sleeping and outside-time schedule if you can because it's way more important to your mental health than you think. Also talk to your friends. Talk to someone. I am thinking that I might need to go back into maintenance therapy at some point soon because I still have issues sometimes addressing my feelings. Talking about my feelings with a therapist is so much easier than any of my friends and consistently hide them from people despite speaking about my feelings on abstract matters all too often (see: feminism).

 

Edit: to be even more optimistic - don't count "backslides" as somehow detrimental to your progress because honestly even missteps are still like, in a higher place than where you were before, you have gained more wisdom and experience to cope and manage. Sometimes we get off course but you do it with more skill to get back on it.

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Thanks for that, Apple Cider. Coming up on about four months of a pretty bad depressive slide in my life, even though I'm sure I seem fine to most of my friends. It's nice to be reminded that other people go through this shit.

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