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so any recommendations of a good backpack for gym use (specifically one which can hold trainers, gym kit & sweat towel, plus swimming kit & bigger towel)would be deeply appreciated 

 

This is pretty close to the one that's served me well for a few years. (Actually, this is closer, and it seems it's only now available in pink, so it would be a strike against gender stereotypes).

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I've had a pretty rough two months. My f2f and best friend left our flat and relationship. One of those it's not you it's me things. She started sleeping around including with one if my good friends, who she made out with and crushed on when we were dating. It came out of nowhere

As an expat in a country where I can barely speak the language, a family who are too wrapped up in their own issues, no real home to go back to, a diminished social circle, a flat I can barely afford, and job where we are all still faking it till we make it,I feel like I lost the only constant thing in my life.

Of course we still talk all the time and occasionally booty call each other. Because I'm afraid of losing this connection, and I'm dumb.

In relation to that, I have become seriously depressed. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life next week.

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This is pretty close to the one that's served me well for a few years. (Actually, this is closer, and it seems it's only now available in pink, so it would be a strike against gender stereotypes).

 

nice, i've been looking at all these expensive ones but i suppose when push comes to shove it's only a 10-15min walk i do with it so it doesn't have to be super advanced, just comfortable and tough.

 

 

I've had a pretty rough two months. My f2f and best friend left our flat and relationship. One of those it's not you it's me things. She started sleeping around including with one if my good friends, who she made out with and crushed on when we were dating. It came out of nowhere

As an expat in a country where I can barely speak the language, a family who are too wrapped up in their own issues, no real home to go back to, a diminished social circle, a flat I can barely afford, and job where we are all still faking it till we make it,I feel like I lost the only constant thing in my life.

Of course we still talk all the time and occasionally booty call each other. Because I'm afraid of losing this connection, and I'm dumb.

In relation to that, I have become seriously depressed. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life next week.

 

That a pretty shitty set of events, but and i know from personal experience a breakup can make it feel like life has pulled the carpet from under you but!:

 

- you still have a job don't underestimate just how important having a daily routine to fall into after something shitty happens in your life can be, i know it's cliche but keeping yourself busy really does work. 

 

- you had a major brake up, but it sounds like neither of you said or did anything horrible to the other that you will later regret and make you feel bad about who you are

 

- it made you depressed but you were able to take, the positive step of seeking out help.

 

i know those might not seem like much but if you can see these things that are happening in your life, and even do something as simple as making a tiny post on a forum acknowledging how you feel about them its a good start.

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That a pretty shitty set of events, but and i know from personal experience a breakup can make it feel like life has pulled the carpet from under you but!:

 

- you still have a job don't underestimate just how important having a daily routine to fall into after something shitty happens in your life can be, i know it's cliche but keeping yourself busy really does work. 

 

- you had a major brake up, but it sounds like neither of you said or did anything horrible to the other that you will later regret and make you feel bad about who you are

 

- it made you depressed but you were able to take, the positive step of seeking out help.

 

i know those might not seem like much but if you can see these things that are happening in your life, and even do something as simple as making a tiny post on a forum acknowledging how you feel about them its a good start.

 

I agree with all of these things. For me, the hardest part of a breakup is the whiplash when someone goes from being one of the most important parts of your life to being just another person whom you know. Sucks, it sounds like you're doing a good job of making space to talk or feel what you need about the girl and the breakup, so keep that up. Everything else levels out eventually. We're all here for you, of course.

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I'm camping and I'm cold. I enjoy neither. This music festival was fun though!

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Spoilered for relationship shit.

 

I feel like this is the dumbest thing ever to put up here, but it's almost three months into this new relationship of mine and I'm beginning to have difficulty feeling like I'm deserving of it. We're a pretty odd match, in that we don't have many interests or activities in common, but we have such similar temperaments and outlooks on life that it's been this incredibly deep connection anyway. Now that we've settled down into a rhythm and gotten past the early outlandishness of a whirlwind romance, most of my thoughts about our relationship alternate between an unreasoning happiness that I have her in my life and an unshakable conviction that it won't last because I have nothing concrete to offer her over the long term. I'm clever, but only really with regards to esoteric stuff that doesn't matter to most people, and I think she's smarter than me anyway. I have no real career or prospects in the next couple years, until I finish my dissertation, and I'm already having to lean on her more than I like when we go out. We have fun together, whatever we're doing, but it seems to me like all the fun comes from her and I'm just running commentary on it. She's slightly older than me, more active and more worldly, and I just don't feel like I can keep up with her indefinitely.

 

Normally, this sort of thing wouldn't be a problem. I'm a big believer in faking it until I make it, and it's not hard to pretend like I'm up to her level when I'm around her. Still, I'm definitely a melancholy person by nature, so occasionally she'll take a few hours, maybe a day, to return a text and it'll totally crash my mood for the whole week. I don't think I let that sort of thing show, except for brief moments like this past Friday night when we got drinks together and I let a little anxiety slip, but I know in my rational brain that sulking about not being a good enough guy for her ultimately has a better chance of poisoning things between us than actually not being a good enough guy, whatever that even means. It's just hard, is all.

 

Anyway, we both had early shifts this morning, after a bit of a rocky weekend both together and apart, but she hasn't responded to the encouraging stuff that I texted, probably because she has to drive halfway across the state for on-site training, so my world's totally ending. Definitely not serious, but I almost miss dating around with girls whom I didn't like very much, while I was looking for a relationship, because it was a relief and a respite when they took a while to get back to me.

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Gor

I'm incredibly unworldly so take any advice with a grain of salt.

Don't get hung up on the idea that you should be performing for the relationship in some way. It feels a tiny bit like the idea of the dude as as a breadwinner is creeping into your brain. I've had that anxiety eat at me before but you need to remember that it's bullshit.

A relationship shouldn't be founded on the idea that you owe the other person a certain threshold of something. You certainly give each other something, and a good relationship will feel fair and balanced, but that's different to outright owing the other person.

Also the obvious advice, you should talk about it. If it's going to last you need to be able to talk to her about stuff like this anyway. And you'll likely find out what she sees in you that you can't recognise yourself.

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Gor

I'm incredibly unworldly so take any advice with a grain of salt.

Don't get hung up on the idea that you should be performing for the relationship in some way. It feels a tiny bit like the idea of the dude as as a breadwinner is creeping into your brain. I've had that anxiety eat at me before but you need to remember that it's bullshit.

A relationship shouldn't be founded on the idea that you owe the other person a certain threshold of something. You certainly give each other something, and a good relationship will feel fair and balanced, but that's different to outright owing the other person.

Also the obvious advice, you should talk about it. If it's going to last you need to be able to talk to her about stuff like this anyway. And you'll likely find out what she sees in you that you can't recognise yourself.

 

I know I made it sound like I'm supposed to provide something owed to her, but that's not quite it. I just don't see any good reason why she's with me, now that we've gotten to know each other so intimately. I've asked her, a couple times, and she's never had much of a problem telling me, but it's always a list of things that I don't personally feel are particularly true about myself, as opposed even to others whom I know: kindness, handsomeness, patience, understanding. It's hard for me to put my faith in what I sometimes worry to be a mistaken impression of me.

 

I know a big issue for me here is that she's been traveling for business a lot, this past month, and my anxiety is something that grows well in the dark, as it were. I'm just putting it up here so that I don't send her a "Hey, did you get my text" text, although actual advice is always useful, in some capacity.

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It isn't advice, but I go through the same exact anxiety shit w/ regards to texting and I entirely understand how you're feeling. If you figure out a solution, lmk. :P

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My advice when it comes to texting anxiety and stuff like that is to have a conversation about what you want in terms of frequency, content, etc. For example, I don't need a lot of texts usually, but when my girlfriend is going out somewhere without me, I just ask for one update some time during the night, and then a text when she is starting to head home. It took me a few nights of worry and nonsense to figure it out, but once I told her it got a lot easier. Everyone has different expectations for these things, and so it can be difficult to know what your partner wants. Some people will read a text, and think "I'll respond to that later". If you want her to always send a reply text just acknowledging that she got it, then that's another thing that needs to be talked about. Some people can not hear from you for most of the day and be fine, while some people need more reassurance throughout the day.  And of course, some days you're going to need more than other days, and that always needs to be communicated too, especially when things like depression and anxiety are factors.

 

Also, I feel the exact same thing a lot of the time about feeling like people are describing someone else when they describe me. Just gotta trust their judgement :P

 

Just my two cents. Wish you the best, and I'm sure there's a ton of great things she sees in you.

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I know I made it sound like I'm supposed to provide something owed to her, but that's not quite it. I just don't see any good reason why she's with me, now that we've gotten to know each other so intimately. I've asked her, a couple times, and she's never had much of a problem telling me, but it's always a list of things that I don't personally feel are particularly true about myself, as opposed even to others whom I know: kindness, handsomeness, patience, understanding. It's hard for me to put my faith in what I sometimes worry to be a mistaken impression of me.

 

I know a big issue for me here is that she's been traveling for business a lot, this past month, and my anxiety is something that grows well in the dark, as it were. I'm just putting it up here so that I don't send her a "Hey, did you get my text" text, although actual advice is always useful, in some capacity.

 

In my experience, it's not at all uncommon for others to see qualities in us that we don't see in ourselves. Don't take it as a mistaken impression, take it as a new perspective, perhaps free from some of the baggage that prevents you from seeing those things in yourself (apologies if I'm not quite understanding what's going on here.)

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Huh.

 

She sees kindness and patience and understanding in you

 

and you're tearing up because you're worried she's got a mistaken impression, and you don't want her to be hurt

 

So what you're saying is that you're showing empathy and an effort at understanding, because you're reasonably sure that you don't really have those quantities

 

 

That's quite the pickle

If you were as mediocre as you think you are, you wouldn't be so concerned about what happens when you get 'found out'.

 

Honestly, for most long-term relationships, part of what sustains it is that the people involved have grown close enough that the relationship is comfortable. If you're growing closer, at some point her reasons for staying will change from 'I like these about you' to 'I've known you for years'. At that point, all you need to do is keep the relationship comfortable - be attentive of each other's emotions, try and smooth over drama, don't get stagnant.

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Not much to add except that these people are right Gorm. Communicate, and tender her the respect of believing her when she says she likes you for things you don't like about yourself.

I can completely empathise with the mental situation where you can't believe they are with you, and feel like you're somehow cheating them. I know I fall into that trap often enough. But at some point you just have to admit that hey, it's not really what's inside you what counts - it's what you do. I can be as lazy, charmless and nasty on the inside as long as what I do is kind, thoughtful and funny. Nobody's with you for your nasty innner thoughts - you don't think about her like that so why would she about you?

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Normally, this sort of thing wouldn't be a problem. I'm a big believer in faking it until I make it, and it's not hard to pretend like I'm up to her level when I'm around her.

 

There was an article posted here somewhere that talked about how talented workers often feel they are less skilled because "everything I do is easy" while less-competent workers feel that they're doing great because they don't know what they don't know, so to speak. I'd posit the statement that if it's not hard to pretend that you're up to her level, that maybe you really are up to her level?

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There was an article posted here somewhere that talked about how talented workers often feel they are less skilled because "everything I do is easy" while less-competent workers feel that they're doing great because they don't know what they don't know, so to speak. I'd posit the statement that if it's not hard to pretend that you're up to her level, that maybe you really are up to her level?

 

The Dunning Kruger Effect is a great and wonderful beast. It's one of my "favorite" psychological self-delusions, and if you've ever played a multiplayer video game you have experienced both sides of it.

 

Gor, three months in my experience is enough momentum built up that everything up to instant deal-breakers can be discussed. I'm with everyone else, I can tell you're worried you're not caring enough because you care about it.  :P

 

If you think something needs to be talked about, you should talk about it!

 

SPOILERS, SUCKER

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Thanks, everyone. She eventually texted me back late last night, saying that she'd meant to reply immediately but had gotten caught up in her travel preparations. We had a nice talk, albeit brief, and I feel immeasurably better, although not nearly as good as when I'll see her in person again later this week. In the meantime, I appreciate all of the advice, even if I'm too much of a dummy to take most of it to heart. I know a part of me is just going to be coming from a place where it feels like I don't deserve to be as happy as she makes me, so I'm externalizing it onto her. Even though that's probably natural, considering that I've only had a few short and unsatisfying relationships over the past three years, it's something against which I need to push back harder.

 

Also, bless all you Thumbs for keeping up the spoiler tags even when their original purpose, keeping my made-up drama from dominating the thread, had manifestly failed. You guys are the best community ever.

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I was wondering what the heck the spoilers were all about, I thought we had some new rule here.

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