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A while ago I posted about a particularly bad day I was having where because of size and scope of the project I'm working on, coupled with the fact that I'm pretty much the only one working on it, I got a negative performance review due to the fact that on paper my "total output" was lower than the rest of my coworkers who are doing smaller scope jobs.  I wanted to follow up on that because part of the project is nearing its end and I got some recognition by management for working my butt off all this time.  It doesn't erase that past negative but it was nice to get some kudos for a change.

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I was doing some experiments today, mostly trying to get back to the point where I was earlier. I'd gotten it fairly nice and decided to not fiddle with it anymore. Since I already had better data though I didn't save anything, then about an hour later I noticed it hadn't changed at all, which would've been great to have data on but since I didn't save data during that hour I can't show it and at that point it was too late to let it sit another hour. Always be saving data I guess. I hope I can reproduce it tomorrow :[

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I have developed a loathing for enterprise Java, which I suspect is tied more to the enterprise aspect than the Java aspect, but I got a thing up and running so bully for me.

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Hey all! This post is a mix of really depressing stuff and also good news! (also, I'm back!)

 

BAD THINGS

 

I have gone through Some Bad Things in the past several months, including two younger sibling hospitalizations, one hell of a depressive spiral myself that lead to relapsing on a few things (tw)

alcohol, self injury

, almost getting fired due to a weekend-long internet outage at the ol' job, and losing one of my best friends two weeks ago due to Housing Situations. I've drifted away from a bunch of communities in the process but I missed the Thumbs Crew a whole bunch so now that things are a little more OK I am back here, live, at idlethumbs.net/forums! (thumbs up, cheap pop)

 

GOOD THINGS

 

Some of the bad things have helped deal with some long-standing issues; I've patched up a good amount of things with my family, I've re-established a Brain Problems support network, and I've started getting out of the house to see people I haven't seen since college. It's been good!

 

Also, I finished that tattoo I posted back in *September* of last year! I have attached the photos.

 

post-34712-0-82168100-1432061693_thumb.jpgpost-34712-0-63166300-1432061693_thumb.jpgpost-34712-0-01693500-1432061694_thumb.jpgpost-34712-0-44076700-1432061693_thumb.jpg

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Sick tat.

 

 

So yesterday was interesting.

 

I had to postpone a job interview because it conflicted with a mandatory appointment with a government working about finding a job. Irony!

 

I also called my uncle. I haven't spoken to him in 6+ years, but I always respected him. I'm gonna be talking to him in person on the first. I want help with all the shit I've been struggling with. As expected, my parents haven't even told any of my other relatives that I'm gay, so that's gonna be a fun conversation. I know that I should ostensibly be feeling good about this, but it still feels wrong.

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I recently got an email about a potential job in Tokyo, and it doesn't require speaking Japanese, and it's on some mobile app (I haven't yet asked what, but that will be in my next email), and I was initially excited. I've always said I would live in Japan if I found an opportunity that wasn't too awkward. I still don't know what the working hours are like, but it's a New York based company, so at the very least it's more American than most companies over there.

 

But now I'm like do I really actually want this. I mean it's not like I have anything going on for me here. My life is... nothing. So I could pick up and leave anytime. But if I go over there now, I will be completely alone. Not like last time I went, when I had friends from college also in Japan and we met up relatively frequently for exploring Japan. No, I'll be all by myself. I mean, the coworkers will become my friends (unless shit goes really bad!), but but.

 

Hummmmmmm.

 

For the time being, I'll continue this process, and see where it goes. It's not like I've even interviewed yet. I'm terrible at interviewing, so in all likelihood I'll just get rejected. But what if I don't?!

 

...

 

In other news, the girl I've been talking to lately, a close family member is in hospice now and apparently has days left. So she understandably doesn't want to talk to me right now. I said I understand and I'm sorry and reach out if you want, but it's awkward because I'm still in that area where we don't really know each other that well, so me "being there" doesn't really help. And also I don't even really know how, since, like I said, we're not that close (yet?). I guess I did what I could.

 

And it also fits in with the pattern of every date I've been on in the past few months somehow going bizarrely wrong before the second date. Except it's worse, because this one felt like it's been the best by far. Hopefully this awkward and unfortunate timing doesn't ruin things and she'll get back to me on her own time. I'd already decided I was going to take a break if this one didn't work out, anyway, so there's that.

 

Ugh.

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My first thought is that if you feel like your life is no particularly fulfilling where you are, you're not having an immense amount of luck with dating, and one of your dreams in life is to live in Japan again, absolutely do it. Realistically, the job won't last forever and chances are you'd find yourself back in the States. I think Japan is probably a really good place at making you feel like you're alone, but I suspect that there's something about being in an out-group that could make it possible (maybe easier?) to find fellow white people to socialize with, though probably less frequently just because of math.

 

I think you only get so many chances to do something you've been dreaming about for years, take them when you have the opportunity. Plus, Japan is fucking awesome and worst case scenario you're stuck in a country where you can get delicious onigiri at any convenience store, you can take an extremely efficient train system to places that are nerd paradise, you're in a place with deep and amazing history, and changing your life in a major way might just shake things up so that you might end up better off when it's all done.

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Oh good luck Twig! 

 

Whilst I love Japan, I worry that you might not enjoy working there. After my first month of living there, I definitely noticed the xenophobia. It's really subtle, but it's everywhere. Probably a lot less in tokyo, where tourism is high, but going anywhere out into the sticks, you'll definitely notice it.

 

Also, regardless of the company, work hours in Japan are brutal. The anime cliche's aren't there for no reason. Expect to drink until the first train home with your boss. It's considered really rude not to.

 

But saying that, fucking do it man. If you don't you'll regret it! I'm jealous! If you need friends or help moving in, I have English speaking Japanese friends who live near Tokyo, who I can put you in touch with. They'll welcome a chance to practice English!

 

Finally, learn to play Riichi Mahjong. You won't regret it, and going to a Mahjong parlour is a lot of fun. And you'll bond well with your colleagues, I think.

 

Also, get all the amiibo's!

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Yeah I have lived in Japan before, and worked an internship, so I'm not unfamiliar with what I'm getting into. I've experienced the xenophobia (it's definitely a lot less common in Tokyo, but it's still there, too), I've done the late-night drinking with the boss (they loved it when I actually got one of their goofy puns - "uma umai! uma umai!" man they cracked up), etc. The work hours are definitely the biggest negative, at the moment. Besides the nebulous "oh god do i really want to change my entire life AGAIN" thing...

 

also there's this

 

Plus, Japan is fucking awesome and worst case scenario you're stuck in a country where you can get delicious onigiri at any convenience store, you can take an extremely efficient train system to places that are nerd paradise, you're in a place with deep and amazing history, and changing your life in a major way might just shake things up so that you might end up better off when it's all done.

 
I love Japan! ):

 

But still, I've only responded to one email so far, so it's not like this is a guaranteed thing. I can always say no later? I'm not looking forward to having to make that decision once and for all. D:

 

 

 

also the "easier to find fellow white people to socialize with" is a weird and slightly uncomfortable way to put it haha but yeah also probably true and i have considered that

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Ah. I didn't know that! I also didn't see JonCole's post, which is much better than mine. 

 

Yeah, you can always make that decision later. It feels like there are more pro's than cons though at the moment. Good luck! I'm insanely jealous!

 

Also, on a side note, I'm sorry to hear about your date! I think you did all you could, for what it's worth. She probably really appreciates your actions more than you think. Here's hoping she gets back to you!

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So last weekend (Saturday to be precise) I had a shitty time at a movie theatre!  I took my Mom to see Avengers for Mother's Day (she really wanted to see it and suggested that being what we did, and my brother had to work the Sunday before (Mother's Day) so we decided to celebrate it the following Saturday).

 

I should note that I have asthma and have an asthmatic cough...some days its pretty bad, but last Saturday wasn't one of those days really.  I probably coughed a few times during the first 5-10 minutes of the movie and all of a sudden some guy towards the front of the theatre maybe 15 or 20 feet away from me turns around and yells "THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR DISEASE WITH ALL OF US TODAY!" and I said "I've got asthma its not contagious, but sorry" assuming he was worried about getting sick (this is something that happens every so often, someone freaks out and thinks I'm going to make them sick because I'm coughing a little and I explain and 9 times out of 10 they're ok).  He then shouted back "IT DOESN'T MATTER, ITS THE SAME THING AND YOU'VE RUINED THE MOVIE FOR ME!!!" and he gets up.  So I said "look, I'll leave, I don't want my coughing to ruin anything" so I got up and left.  As I was leaving I saw he was leaving as well and said "hey, I'm leaving; you can stay" to which he responded "No, you've RUINED THE MOVIE AND I'VE MISSED TOO MUCH!"  (note this was 5 or 10 minutes into the movie...it was around the time Tony gets out of his suit to fuck with Monocle guy's computer).  The best way I describe the guy is a cross between the angry nerd neckbeard stereotype and the angry redneck stereotype (my brother said he saw that the guy was wearing a camo Duck Dynasty shirt or something).

 

I still left for fear that my coughing might have been bothering someone else who wasn't a rude dick and I've always been a bit self-conscious of it...so I didn't want to bother anyone and I left.  My brother (who sat beside me) said afterward that he couldn't even hear me coughing because of the loudness of the movie and my mom said the same thing to me.  They both really enjoyed the movie (which is what mattered to me most, particularly that my mom had a good time given that it was mother's day).  At the time I decided that I just wasn't going to go to the movies anymore, but I've talked myself out of that stance I think so I'll still occasionally go to the movies (its rare that I go because of my cough...but I think weekday matinees when nobody is there would be ok).

 

I told one of my co-workers about it later and he said he was almost certain that it was his really crazy brother (which seems like an unlikely coincidence), because his brother does that shit in movie theatres and almost always finds someone to flip out at for some crazy reason and then he leaves and demands his money back every time.  My co-worker then showed me a picture of his brother and it did look like it could have been him, but it was hard to tell given it was in a dark movie theatre.

 

I've decided I'm going to go see the movie this afternoon at around 3:00pm, as I imagine it will be pretty empty so likely I won't bother anyone.

 

Edit: wow that was way more text than I though I typed, which is more shocking given it was typed on this shitty netbook/ultrabook keyboard that doesn't always register key-presses.

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I'm sorry that douchelord made you feel bad. Might I recommend Mad Max Fury Road for you miday matinee.

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Ew, don't not go to movies because people are assholes. Go or don't on your own merit. Someone who gets upset at stifled coughs is going to find a way to be a furious jerkoff no matter what.

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I'm sorry that douchelord made you feel bad. Might I recommend Mad Max Fury Road for you miday matinee.

 

I think I'll go see that in a couple weeks.  Going to the Avengers 2 today, there was no one in the theater and it was kind of neat and weird at the same time!  I think I'll try to pull that off with the new Mad Max as well.

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Hey guys, I haven't been here in a while! but I wanted to drop in and thank you guys.

 

in 2014 I suffered severe clinical depression ( still do) and was wavering on the edge on killing myself, but anytime I felt really bad I came on here and you wondering people helped me through it. Because of you guys I have found a great group of supportive friends and I am the happiest I have ever been. There are still some bad days, but they aren't nearly as often.

 

the IdleThumbs community is the best thing to ever happen to me <333333

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That's really good to hear, Grayson. All strength to you!

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thanks guys! I will try to come here more often, things have been pretty crazy the last few months!

 

I am technically homeless right now :/ 

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I'm glad you're doing better Grayson and I'm bummed to hear you're without a home.  Let us know if we can do anything for you and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  I guarantee no one around here will think any less of you if you do.

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In more personal and selfish news, the current outage looks like it'll be coming to an end soon.  Hopefully by this weekend I'll be a daywalker once more.  At least until this fall when I have to do it all again...

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Hi Grayson! I'm so glad you're finding some happiness. You can always reach out around here, but just cause you're not posting doesn't mean you're not part. :)

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Today marks the start of the second week of my two week vacation. We've already done about 4000 km of driving, and are poised to finish around twice that. We've seen a lot of beautiful vistas along Canada's east coast, and, in our time in Newfoundland we saw dozens of icebergs and puffins. We're about to hit the road again, its been go go go kind of trip, but I had to take a few minutes to check in on my favorite internet hangout.

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investor pulled the rug out, boom, you are unemployed. :/

I'll be ok, I'm experienced and have a phd and i've been through this before. Buddy here took a year out from his uni course to work with us (We were paying him nicely, and forcing him back part time in September), brought his newborn home Friday, out of a job today.

 

Edit: my smiley face avatar is not to be taken as indication of my mood right now.

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