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Yeah I'm really worried I might have to just leave because of rent rising, even though I'm trying to finish my current degree at ACC for the next year and a half and then I guess we bail. I moved here in 2009 and I liked it more then, but I guess I was still here way after the more recent bustling days when I would visit sometimes from Houston and see it as a quiet and quaint city.

 

Also how did you beat Lance? What is that thing? 71st place?

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when I was in 6th grade a girl walked up to me and asked "ugh, why don't you just kill yourself already?" since then I have been asking myself the same thing about five times a day.

 

She ended the conversation with "no one likes you", her social skills were impeccable.

 

Hey I want you to know this isn't getting lost in Austin chat. I don't know that I have something prescient to say, but if you need to talk we're listening.

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this was a bad place to talk about this, I made a stupid mistake.

 

Nah, it's not a stupid mistake. Feel free to pm me if you want to rant or vent or have a chat anything like that in private.

 

Also, please please please don't hesitate to seek professionally assistance if you need to. As someone who has struggled with depression for most of my life, including a few suicide attempts, I can't stress it enough. Therapy and/or meds are really great and can help out a ton. There is a stigma about it and it is hard to ask for help but it's definitely worth it.

 

You seem pretty rad based on your posts here, and even though I may be just an internet semi-acquaintance I'm pulling for you and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

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FWIW, I started taking Wellbutrin for depression today.  Truth is that I've really been struggling with it for a year to a year and a half.  It's far easier for me to admit it here than it is to anyone in real life close to me.  I've always had ups and downs, but usually in about an 80/20 up/down ratio.  Last year or so that's been flipped.  I've faked it when I see people in person, and even online on social media and around here.  But a lot of things have been suffering, mostly work related because of how unmotivated and unfocused I am.  My lady is frustrated that it's taken me this long to start meds, but thankfully our relationship is still good. 

 

After having a long talk with my doc on Monday, ultimately picked Wellbutrin from the medication options I had because of its double use in stopping smoking.  Hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone here, get my mojo back and finally kick a stinking habit. 

 

I've resisted taking anything to help with quitting smoking in part because I've had a terrible opinion of anti-depressants, and a real phobia about taking them.  But I'm finally getting over that stigma.  I really can't imaging being on an anti-depressant being worse than the flavorless malaise I've been in for too long now. 

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I spent have been severely depressed for nine years. At this point I don't see why I should keep going, I feel like I am wasting everyone's time.

 

I moved 1100 km in a last act of desperation and things have gotten worse. I was given Ativan for my panic attacks but it's stop being effective and I am now 300$ in debt after being sent to the hospital from work.

 

I just don't want to live.

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Please, please, please reach out to someone for help, GraysonEvans. You are a talented and smart individual and the world would be worse off without you. If talking to a stranger on the internet would help, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. It wouldn't be a waste of time.

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GraysonEvans, you're not wasting our time, and we don't feel the way that girl in 6th grade did about you. Please reach out to someone, and know that we're all rooting for you. 

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Also how did you beat Lance? What is that thing? 71st place?

 

It's Strava, and you can have any name you like on it. I use a pseudonym, mainly because rights of way for bikes around where I live can be ambiguous.

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I spent have been severely depressed for nine years. At this point I don't see why I should keep going, I feel like I am wasting everyone's time.

 

I moved 1100 km in a last act of desperation and things have gotten worse. I was given Ativan for my panic attacks but it's stop being effective and I am now 300$ in debt after being sent to the hospital from work.

 

I just don't want to live.

 

There are two things that I have internalised as being never true. The first is that there's a conspiracy against me - that everyone is lying and colluding towards the same purpose, whether it be to keep me miserable, or to deceive me in into thinking I'm liked.

 

The second is that death is an option, because if I believe that, it means my survival instinct, the first and oldest privilege evolution has gifted me, is malfunctioning. If my survival instinct is malfunctioning, it means I cannot trust my thoughts. My thoughts are no longer me, and the hollowness I am feeling is also not me. These days, because my form of depression does not respond well to chemicals, this is also a sign to double-check my thoughts with CBT. I also do mindful meditation, which helps with the anxiety, but I'm guessing you might have the kind of depression that needs pills to break it and let the part that's you get some breathing room.

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GraysonEvans, even if it were true that you were wasting everyone's time (you aren't), you don't deserve to die because of that. Even if you were a truly terrible person who took pleasure in crushing the spirit of small children, you still deserve life.

Your past 9 years are not a guarantee of your future. Anything can, and will happen. I say this as someone who has a younger sibling with severe and incurable disabilities. I thought the progression of our lives was set in stone, and 16 years of it seemed enough evidence.

Whatever incredible pain or debilitating apathy you may feel towards life can be overcome. It may feel like it would require a herculean effort, but mostly it takes time. The fact that you are alive means you've already endured more than many. Your depression doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to live even when you feel like you can't.

You've already survived depression, I hope you get the help you need so you can take a break from kicking its ass single handedly. Keep being rad and I hope you stick around.

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Found out today my office is switching ownership at the start of the new year and my job isn't guaranteed to be mine after the fact. Just in time for Christmas! Haha.. Ha... Heh. :(

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I spent have been severely depressed for nine years. At this point I don't see why I should keep going, I feel like I am wasting everyone's time.

 

I moved 1100 km in a last act of desperation and things have gotten worse. I was given Ativan for my panic attacks but it's stop being effective and I am now 300$ in debt after being sent to the hospital from work.

 

I just don't want to live.

Been there man. I've lived and continue to live with 23+ years of mild to severe depression, anxiety and somewhat constant thoughts of suicide. It may seem dark, but there will always be pockets and holes of light within your darkest moments. I recommend talking to close friends and family. If no one there, use centers around that deal with this to help you out.

 

Last year, I went to the ER and came back with a 4k bill on medical bills. Not only that my wallet was stolen--my debit cards, driver's license, green card, social security-and went in the red for a bit. Not only that, but I experienced the slow disintegration of my long-term relationship with my live-in girlfriend. I went through some shit, had a multiple nervous breakdowns. I was so far away from my friends and family, it was just me and a girlfriend, though she was getting tired and pissed at me.

 

Yet, I persevered.

 

I used med-ical to cut my bills to $500; I went through the steps to retain my identity and credit back; I accepted the slow death of my relationship. You're a lot stronger than you expect and if you start planning and breaking down what's bothering you, it makes it easier for you. Also remember, it'll take time and a lot of help from various aspects, but it'll work. Trust me

 

Life is fucking mean; I know this very intimately, but it's about enduring and making something good out of it.

As of now: I have a new, wonderful girlfriend, school is great and next week I'm on a train back to Cincinnati to see my friends and family.

Please don't give up. You're a wonderful human being. You've survived nine years. NINE YEARS of depression. This is just a slump. You will make it. :D

0
 

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Sometimes I go on walks and I don't know if I will ever make it back

 

Hey Grayson, how are you doing? How was your walk tonight?

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I'm really glad you are able to post that today. I was pretty worried about you last night.

 

 

vvv Canada is technically North America so I guess you're technically correct.

 

There's nothing wrong with US hospitals? They're good. The healthcare system red tape is shitty.

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it is good that you are in the hospital.

 

it is not good that you are in a hospital in America because I've heard stories.

 

it is good that you can get wi-fi in the hospital.

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Grayson, this isn't an easy thing for me to talk about (still), but I lost my brother to an overdose 17 years ago.  I'm glad you're still around, and hope you find something to help. 

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I GM'd a game of Dark Heresy for the first time (for both) to 6 people and it went very well most things considered. My friends are hyped for the next one which is the main thing; and my partner also now wants to run his own campaign which is super cool too.

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I found out about a job with the animation studio that made the Secret of Kells. They want someone with experience both of animation and coding to work on creating an art application for them. I am immensely interested and entirely unsure of whether I fit with what they want. Obviously I still apply and leave the job of judging my application up to them, but I'm just not even sure how I can present myself well. I learned this programming language when I was 10, so I mostly know basics from that but I can catch up pretty easily. I gotta bone up on this and then apply, so I'll see how that goes...

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As I paid for some organic, handmade, sustainable lotion and vegan soap today, I looked back on my life and tried to pick out the exact moment that I became a monster.

 

I know that feeling.

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