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The website I've been building a portfolio to apply at unexpectedly shut down because they couldn't meet costs!

 

 

wheeeeeee

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I had an exam that I felt I'd be happy to just pass. Came out of it feeling quite good about how it went. Got the results back and I missed the highest grade by one point and now instead of being pleased I'm annoyed. I know it's irrational but that doesn't help.

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I just spent the first sleepless night of my life. Usually I fall asleep as soon as 5am hits, but for some reason it didnt happen this time. The worst thing about it so far is that right now I feel like I'm observing things without awareness, like I'm just acting without any thought. Really surreal.

Gotta take a test now.

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Justin, actually there are times when I can't tell if I'm imagining something or if I'm seeing it. Just a vague sense of unfamiliarity and distance.

 

You know that Understanding Comics thing where people perceive things symbolically, structurally, or abstractly? I'm experiencing (it's waning now) reality as a totally abstract canvas of shapes and colors without any connections.

 

I usually get around 4-12 hours of sleep, depending on how busy the next day is. It's really screwing me up.

 

For example I forgot that bamboo chutes were a thing just now.

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I used to TRY to pull all nighters just to see if I could (who knows why i guess i was just insane), and I never had anything weird happen to me. I'm jealous. ): At some point, though I stopped being able to do it, so whatever. I'm old. Very rarely, I'll have small bouts of insomnia where I can't sleep for several hours even though I'm exhausted, but... like I said, it's rare.

 

It helps that I'm not in school anymore. Heh.

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The only weird sleep related experience I think I've had was having a dream, while being aware that I was having a dream while simultaneously being aware of the real world. I know that sounds nonsensical but it's the best way I can describe it. It's happened a few times.

 

I guess the another thing was final year in high school we had to do a graduation project thing, and I put it off for a long while. Ended up having to stay up writing for two whole days straight. When I showed up at school to hand it in I was seeing pages of text whenever I looked at a flat surface. Probably had more to do with staring at a screen for that long than sleep deprivation. Also used to do a lot of all nighters at internet cafes back when CS had just come out. It was a thing for a while. My tennis coach got annoyed with us though because we always had practice the next day at 10am and I don't think we performed that well. I think I slept 30+ hours after one of those.

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My experience is that 48 hours is where hallucinations really kick in. At first it's just seeing things at the edge of your vision and thinking someone has walked in the door but there's no one there. By about 52 I was starting to talk to people whom I thought were in the room but they weren't, that's when I called it and went to bed.

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My experience is that 48 hours is where hallucinations really kick in. At first it's just seeing things at the edge of your vision and thinking someone has walked in the door but there's no one there. By about 52 I was starting to talk to people whom I thought were in the room but they weren't, that's when I called it and went to bed.

 

The bolded part is a common mild hallucination caused by heavy caffeine intake as well, which often goes hand in hand with sleep dep.

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My version of the visual hallucination is that the floor appears to be rippling akin to waves across an ocean. That's always the first one I get when sleep deprived, usually about 2 nights in.

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It's a weird feeling talking to my friends I made in an animation degree and awkwardly sidestepping the fact that I'm currently doing a course to study up on programming. I'm entirely comfortable with my decision, it'll give me more skills and experience for stuff I want to do in future, and the two can feed into each other. Also I can make a good case in a job interview for this not making me look flakey and indecisive.

 

I just have a weird thing in my brain that makes me think going through the thought process would just be hassle when talking to all my different art acquaintances. Especially cause I think programming is terrifying to people not predisposed to it, so it reads as the ultimate switch away from art, when I really I want to do it to make games.

 

...I guess I could be less of a baby and just tell people that.

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FWIW I wish I could do art. I can do very basic pixel art and that's about it. I don't even know if I have the mental fortitude to start learning how to draw at this point, let alone animate, let alone do anything in 3D...

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I wish I could do art better! :D

There's a ton I'd need to practice to actually get to a place where I'd feel like it's good... and I don't feel like a practice enough[/every artist ever]

 

I don't know if you even want it, but the classic advice that I've heard though that is pretty solid is to do regular practice, even if it's a small amount of time and seemingly no progress. Habits are good for learning and also inherently make you think more about the thing you're regularly doing.

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Hah yeah I know what I SHOULD do but I also know that I am an unmotivated human being at the best of times. It is whatever! At least I program sometimes in my free time. That's more than I did a couple years ago.

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Life's a mess. I've kind of been dealing with some of it by blogging about it. Most days I work all day and hope to get back to the UK. 

 

Exactly the life I hoped for myself, really.

 

Edit: I didn't mean to make this a plug for my blog. I was withering in my chair and realising that my pile of problems were not anything I could talk about without insane amounts of exposition, and people tend to Google me anyway. I use my blog to relieve some amount of tension, and linked to it without thinking. Sorry!

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Fell off some slippery stairs.

Now I've hurt an already battered tail bone and shocked my entire lower back. Everything from my bum to my lower ribs hurts.

Yeah went to A&E half an hour after, X-ray machine is off due to staff shortages and a shoestring budget. Was given 60mg of codeine, BP and O2 levels okay, and spent almost an hour talking about the healthcare system.

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In an almost unprecedented scenario where I work, I have the option to work this weekend and actually get paid overtime.  Which is good because I could REALLY use the money.

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I don't know where to put this, except here and in spoilers:

 

I have Tinder on my phone as a very occasional time-waster and pick-me-up, because nothing makes me more content to be single than to take quick peeks at the meat market that is online dating, but one of my students from a few semesters back found me on there and started messaging me. It's mostly her teasing me about giving her a B and being a hardass for no good reason, but I know my response should still be to block her immediately. I haven't, though? In terms of policy, I'm largely in the clear, and she's a decent conversationalist, which validates my half-remembered instinct that she was smarter than her grade would tell. Definitely not escalating it beyond semi-anonymous messages, under no circumstances whatsoever, but it's okay to have a little fun just talking, I hope? I hope.

 

Whatever else, I am clearly very very bored. You don't get to judge me.

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:devil: :devil: :devil: DATE THE FORMER STUDENT! DO ITTTTTTTT! DO NOT BE ASHAMED! :devil: :devil: :devil:

:nodance: (From far away this looks like "No llamas" or "No goats," but when I look really close and see what it actually is, I have no idea what the fuck I'm looking at.

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