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Holy mid range expletive I have finally found a new apartment to stay in. It genuinely took me months but I finally got a place. I look forward to not doing this any more... for a year at least.

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After the hassle we went through finding this current place, I was considering asking for a multi-year contract. If a year comes around and they don't raise our rent substantially, I might still do so. A lot of places love having that sort of contract reliability, others like raising their rent as often as possible.

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Yep. It was a fairly big one but there have been no deaths. Most of the damage is up in Napa, which is closer to the epicenter and also not as extensively retrofitted as San Francisco, where buildings are at this point pretty well equipped to withstand earthquakes. I was woken up due to my bedroom shaking around but that was it.

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My landlady and Bell Aliant are in talks to bring FibreOP to this building. I kinda wanna go for it.

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I'll be at a tinyBuild booth at PAX all next week. I'll probably be occupied outside of the show, but at the booth I bet I won't be all that busy. Just throwin it out there.

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I went on a holiday last week, which I couldn't comfortably afford, but did need. I'm glad I was out there with really limited bandwidth, because nearly everything I've seen online has made me angry, from Ferguson to the mess people have been flinging at Zoe Quinn.

 

I spent a week riding bikes up and down really big mountains. I learned to jump mountain bikes, I practiced a pretty insane downhill course and got a lot of respect for doing it without rear suspension. The French have really, really good food. It was a really good week in many ways, but:

 

One of the four friends I went with got stressy in the first few days, and none of us could tell why. He became more and more robotic as the week went on, and I started to realise a part of it was that he and I are both very comfortable making unilateral decisions, but pretty bad at explaining or justifying them to those around us. I softened my behaviour as the week went on, but he didn't to the point where it felt like he was just being contrary. I've apologised for the things I did that wound him up, and let him know he wound me up too, but he's simply said he appreciates the apology and acted like he's done nothing wrong our out of sorts. He acted like this with everyone, we just happened to have some personality traits that clashed after more than a few days in close proximity. Both the other guys on the trip asked at various points "Why is [friend] being so uptight?", or "What's got into him?", and everyone was worried.

 

When I first met him, he'd spent six months not talking to anyone, and I assumed he was autistic. Over the past decade I watched him become a really warm, caring and strong person (not that he wasn't before, just desocialised), but this past week I've watched him going rapidly back up the autism spectrum :(

 

He's obviously really hung up on some specific thing, doesn't seem to realise how uncomfortable it was to hang out with him, or how worried we all were. If he was a relative stranger or acquiantance, I'd tell him to go fuck himself at this point, but the friendship is old enough I'm worried and bothered. He seems to have thrown up walls, and there might be nothing I can do.

He seems insecure, if I'm getting this right. You seem to be one of those guys that have strong opinions and is perfectly fine with it. He also seems to have strong opinions, but probably feels a bit insecure when people disagree.

Maybe he thoughtbyou guys were disagreeing for the wrong reasons, that made him feel bad about himself, and then he got angry with everyone. That can happen. Sometimes I have this thoughts, but I don't get mad or hold a grudge, just get a bit sad.

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My landlady and Bell Aliant are in talks to bring FibreOP to this building. I kinda wanna go for it.

Do it! Fibre optic is just gravy. 

 

UPDATE: I did my research online and then called and asked a billion questions. I found out that I'll actually be paying less for a FibreOP/home phone/basic TV package than what I currently pay for my standalone home phone and DSL services. I pressed for every possible extra fee and loophole that I could think of, but it seems pretty cut and dry. I just have to remember to return my old equipment so I don't get charged for it. Hooray for me!

 

...Now I just need to hope that 40% of my building takes it so that it'll come here.

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UPDATE AGAIN:

 

So a Bell Aliant rep just showed up at my door; polling the building for FibreOP installation. I guess that the rep I had talked to on the phone didn't know his shit, because he wasn't supposed to be able to offer me the bundle he did, plus it wouldn't have counted toward the percentage of the building needed to get FibreOP installed anyway. I really hope we get it here, but right now they've only got 23% of the building pre-registered and they need 40%.

 

The good news is, even if we don't get FibreOP here I'll still be getting the same price that I was offered before, so I'll effectively be getting about $15 a month cut from my bill, plus free TV service. That's not so bad.

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I had my date a week ago. We just spent hours talking about everything and it was really pleasant for that, but..

 

Well, it turns out she likes me and has always liked me, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, but wants to spend time with me and get to know me better, but is afraid of leading me on, but... Ugh, you get the idea. This is literally the most tedious outcome possible for the situation and I'm already exhausted from dealing with it. I've heard through the grad student grapevine that she hopes to meet with me again soon, to set boundaries and whatever else. Honestly, I don't care about being hurt or whatever, I'm a big boy and can handle it. I just hope she can figure out what she wants.

 

Girl probs!

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I had my date a week ago. We just spent hours talking about everything and it was really pleasant for that, but..

 

Well, it turns out she likes me and has always liked me, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, but wants to spend time with me and get to know me better, but is afraid of leading me on, but... Ugh, you get the idea. This is literally the most tedious outcome possible for the situation and I'm already exhausted from dealing with it. I've heard through the grad student grapevine that she hopes to meet with me again soon, to set boundaries and whatever else. Honestly, I don't care about being hurt or whatever, I'm a big boy and can handle it. I just hope she can figure out what she wants.

 

Girl probs!

 

Man, this is my current situation.

 

I don't mind being rejected or even breaking up with people but this kind of limbo state is really wrecking me.

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"I don't want to be in a relationship" is a pretty empty statement, I mean saying that kind of stuff to you means she's already in a relationship with you whether she likes it or not. It's just a matter of figuring out if it's going to be a casual relationship or a "serious" relationship.

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I'd advise you to tell her that you're willing to take it super-slow and let her take the lead, and that if it doesn't work out then it's okay. That way she'll hopefully be able to relax and enjoy her time with you without worrying exactly what it means minute to minute. The thing is, you actually have to mean all that, otherwise it's not going to be satisfying for you. But if you can get in the mindset of "let's see what happens and have fun whatever" and not fully commit emotionally until you know there's reason to, then you should be able to enjoy it too!

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"I don't want to be in a relationship" is a pretty empty statement, I mean saying that kind of stuff to you means she's already in a relationship with you whether she likes it or not. It's just a matter of figuring out if it's going to be a casual relationship or a "serious" relationship.

 

Talking with her, I'm pretty sure it just means she doesn't want to date me for fear of failure, which I understand but think is unfounded. I took her at face value that she wants to hang out more, but as friends, and yet apparently that's also causing her some worry, so... yeah. Like I said, tedious.

 

I'd advise you to tell her that you're willing to take it super-slow and let her take the lead, and that if it doesn't work out then it's okay. That way she'll hopefully be able to relax and enjoy her time with you without worrying exactly what it means minute to minute. The thing is, you actually have to mean all that, otherwise it's not going to be satisfying for you. But if you can get in the mindset of "let's see what happens and have fun whatever" and not fully commit emotionally until you know there's reason to, then you should be able to enjoy it too!

 

Actually, I told her almost those exact things when she explained her situation. I thought we ended our date clear that I'm excited just to know her better, because I think she's really cool, and that I don't see romance as a necessary component of our interactions, but then she totally shut down an attempt yesterday to make some vague plans for next week and confided in a friend that she's still scared of leading me on and hurting me, so I'm mostly just frustrated now.

 

I want to tell her that I understand, that I've had a bunch of hangups for years and know what it's like to be attracted to someone but not be able to see it through. I'm a very private person, so none of my friends here know this, but I've dated a lot of people and I've had this exact situation from both sides. I'm not scared of being hurt and I'm not offended by being friends instead. But there's no way to tell her those things right out without coming on way too strong, I think. Or maybe that's me being overly private again.

 

I'm not really looking for advice, because I'm just going to reiterate to her my interest in being whatever she needs me to be. I'm just irked at the unnecessary drama in this situation. I feel like we're both too mature and smart for that.

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Well, you posted girl probs on a forum so you're getting advice!

 

I'd wait for two weeks, then text her (or whatever you kids do these days) with something brief like "no pressure or expectations!" at the end. If there's still drama after that, it's probably not going to happen. Sounds like you're probably planning something very similar anyway!

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"no pressure or expectations!"

Do not do this. Definitely do not wait two weeks to do this!
 
I have a feeling my thoughts are quite a bit more direct than other people here (actually, I know 100% they at least come off that way in my writing from literally every interaction on this forum), but I would try to tell her as directly as possible how you feel. If she's waffling over being FRIENDS, you need to have something to guide the direction you're both going. Yeah, I do think you're overthinking it. If "Hey, being friends is cool" is coming on too strong, what in the world else can you possibly do that actually moves you both forward?
 
Handling friends meeting up for coffee (or equivalent) with kid gloves for fear of rejection or coming on too strong isn't actually friendship.

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I'm having weird angst about how I should treat identity in my life. In high school, being crassly defined by a niche or clique actually gave me purpose to do things, either to subvert an image I wasn't happy about or to revel in one that isn't necessarily true to me at the time. It sounds stupid, but now that I started my first semester of college I feel the existential pressure of other people observing me without active oppression, yet I feel incredibly empty and without purpose. It's started to make me realize how masochistic this prior relationship with the outside world is and is making me question how I should consider self-image in my life in a way that isn't restricting or dishonest. I would try to restrict myself from projecting an image in hopes that it would help ween me off of needing others to validate it (I'm obviously failing by posting here), but I can't emotionally reconcile wanting to define myself and wanting to be defined, and even indecision over if I should be defined at all. I'm trying hard to just stick to things I love and let others pass in and out of my path or to find someone in a parallel path to reflect off of, but the need to be accepted is stronger now that I'm in this environment where people are just normal, reserved human beings. Additionally the sensation of being observed but not interacted with is making me aware of and insecure in the fact that I am some inaccessible noumenon, collapsed into "thingness".

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From my incredibly limited experience, being in your early 20's is kind of an odd existential mess. Maybe its just that myself and the people I know are abnormal, but taking my observations as universal, people seem to be finally interested in developing actual character. If I can try and make a suggestion:
 

I feel the existential pressure of other people observing me without active oppression, yet I feel incredibly empty and without purpose

 

In high school, like them or not, you have a relationship with almost everyone in your grade. Your peers actively judge you but you have context for their observations based on your opinion of them (i.e. if someone I don't respect thought I was pretentious I would contextualize that label as meaningless). Now you don't have a way to contextualize how you're viewed, and you're developing (if not, retaining) social insecurities. If your view is that because people are now more reserved about their opinions you are having difficulty understanding how you should define yourself, then I think the logical response is to stop defining yourself by the metrics of others. I don't know how to elaborate this beyond beginner's psychoanalysis, but you should consider finding a method of self evaluation that doesn't rely on other people but on a healthy comparison between what you want and what you're accomplishing. I don't think any one view on your situation will solve your existentialism but this is where I'm going to cast my vote. 

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I remember my early 20s existentialism. I listened to a lot of The Dismemberment Plan and watched Noah Baumbach movies.

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I like how jmbossy puts it, that essentially your world becomes bigger, and you no longer (need to) have a personal relationship with everyone around you. In my case I found that somewhat comforting, you can be who you want to be with the people you like, and the people you're not that interested in will generally leave you be.

 

Your identity is going to change over the next few years. I was sort of comfortable being in the geeks niche in highschool, then I went to game design school and basically everyone was some shade of geek, and I was free to reinvent myself. It takes some time to find your new place in that environment, but it will be closer to who you want to be. Best thing is to probably focus on the things you love. If you do something with passion it will reflect your personality, and people will notice that.

 

It's hard to communicate my experiences and thoughts about it exactly but I hope that helps. I think things will turn out fine, don't think too much about it and go with the flow. In a year or so you'll have a much clearer idea of who you are or want to be.

 

And Gormongous, I've been in your position, a girl I went on first date with and really hit it off with wasn't looking for 'anything serious', which she later told me was because her last boyfriend had abused her. If you really mean that you don't much mind whichever way it goes, just keep hanging out with her and be a nice and loving person, treat her like a friend and she will come to you. In my case, even though it didn't work out, she still credits me for helping her trust men again, and she's over most of her fears now. But if you look at her like 'I'd want to be with her eventually', you're going to get frustrated from trying to get her over her fears, and it runs the risk of blowing up. I guess what I'm saying is see where it goes, don't be afraid to let go of the reins for a bit, and don't focus on it too much, keep doing your own thing.

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And Gormongous, I've been in your position, a girl I went on first date with and really hit it off with wasn't looking for 'anything serious', which she later told me was because her last boyfriend had abused her. If you really mean that you don't much mind whichever way it goes, just keep hanging out with her and be a nice and loving person, treat her like a friend and she will come to you. In my case, even though it didn't work out, she still credits me for helping her trust men again, and she's over most of her fears now. But if you look at her like 'I'd want to be with her eventually', you're going to get frustrated from trying to get her over her fears, and it runs the risk of blowing up. I guess what I'm saying is see where it goes, don't be afraid to let go of the reins for a bit, and don't focus on it too much, keep doing your own thing.

 

I love the way you put this and I agree completely. My main worry right now is that I'm not used to walking the line between "I want to be a better friend for you no matter what" and "I'm playing along as your friend to pressure you into a relationship," the latter of which I've done in the past and regret deeply. It seems like it might be very hard for me to be there for her and not fall into old behaviors like that. But this is an opportunity for self-growth, with a person I firmly believe deserves more and stronger friends and supporters in the department, so I'm going to do my best!

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@Blambo,

 

I understand what you're saying, but from my perspective, that sensation never entirely goes away.  I think much of a person's life is actually fluidly shifting between an assortment of both personal and group identities over time.  Often it is invisible to us but sometimes that process gets shoved to the forefront, particularly during times of change.  I'm pushing 40, and still feel this way sometimes, especially during transitionary periods.  The most recent for me was just two years ago, when our kid went to college and we became empty nesters.  You wouldn't think that would kick off a period identity crisis for two people in a healthy, many years long established relationship.  And yet it did, and the result was both of us finding new parts of our personal identities that were, in many ways, only allowed to express themselves because we were free of the day-to-day responsibilities of raising a kid in the house.   Obviously we're still parents, that doesn't change, but the time and energy devoted to it was allowed to be redirected. 

 

Not sure if that makes any sense.  At any rate, I think it's valuable to be reflective, both about past identities and current (whether your own or how people identify you), but to not overly dwell on it. 

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