Life

[Gormongous]

I had a couple of dates with a girl this week and it didn't really work for me. First date was pretty much great and we kissed and all that, probably more than we should have done due to moderately copious alcohol consumption. But during the second date it became rapidly apparent that our common interests just didn't go far beyond the surface — she wasn't particularly interested in my passions, I wasn't particularly interested in hers. At this point I'm loving my life so much that if a girl isn't ticking the boxes in terms of conversation I'm not wasting her time or mine.

 

An added factor that certainly sped up my decision is that she seemed really (really) into me. As in, telling all her friends and family about me; joking with them that she was meeting her future husband; literally telling me about a dozen times how happy she is and how amazing it is to be with me; and making comments about having kids on more than one occasion. So I gently broke it off by saying that I don't feel we're really a match because holy shit I've just come out of a 3.5-year relationship and am not looking for an immediate marriage.

 

Now more than 24 hours later I've just received a text that looks absolutely ginormous and begins with 'Excuse me but...'. I don't think I even want to open it. This is the shitty part of dating.

 

I have some sympathy for you, actually, because just two days ago I broke it off with a girl I was seeing extremely casually since the end of March. Like, we hung out for a few hours once every couple weeks, but I just wasn't feeling it as much as I ought and I felt like she was getting attached, so I was honest with her. And... man, I'm glad I broke it off when I did, because I got a lot of the same stuff as you. Not marriage and children, because that wasn't really her thing, but how she thought she'd finally met someone who understood her like no one else and now she was going to be alone forever. There was about four hours of crying, which was hard, although no anger really, which was a relief.

 

But yeah, dating, tough stuff. It's really odd (although not at all surprising and eminently understandable) that people take breaking up so hard, even when it's only been a few months, when all relationships end, except if you happen to die first.

[Roderick]

This is rather appropriate then, since I'm gonna try to verrry gently discontinue a budding thing with someone. We've hung out a few times, but it's not working for me and I want to say that to her in person. Let's see how it goes.

 

And hang in there, SecretAsianMale. I have no ideas on how to cope with it, but try to grit your teeth and pull yourself through it. Don't forget to take some rest in between working, or you'll just tire yourself out prematurely.

[dibs]

have you tried breaking up with your nuclear reactor SAM?

[Gormongous]

have you tried breaking up with your nuclear reactor SAM?

 

Careful, she might blow her top.

[SuperBiasedMan]

have you tried breaking up with your nuclear reactor SAM?

 

Thats kind of insensitive... I mean, maybe it's just me but doesn't it seem obvious to you guys that the delay was the nuclear reactor saying it's not ready for a commitment and breaking up with SAM?

[SecretAsianMan]

I don't mean to be a kill joy but I'd kind of appreciate it if you guys could quit that now.  I know that no one means any harm by it but I did have a very stressful and frustrating day and frankly the jokes are making me more upset because I feel they're at my expense even though I'm sure that's not the intention.  I have no hard feelings or anger to anyone but do please stop.

[Nachimir]

Sorry to hear your day was shitty S.A.M., I hope whatever it is gets resolved quickly.

 

An added factor that certainly sped up my decision is that she seemed really (really) into me. As in, telling all her friends and family about me; joking with them that she was meeting her future husband; literally telling me about a dozen times how happy she is and how amazing it is to be with me; and making comments about having kids on more than one occasion. So I gently broke it off by saying that I don't feel we're really a match because holy shit I've just come out of a 3.5-year relationship and am not looking for an immediate marriage.

 

Now more than 24 hours later I've just received a text that looks absolutely ginormous and begins with 'Excuse me but...'. I don't think I even want to open it. This is the shitty part of dating.

 

Intense! I've dealt with a couple of people getting this clingy and creepy, just remember that once you've been straightforward and broken it off, you probably owe them none of the things they might ask for, i.e. the emotional labour of dealing with their feelings, assumptions they made, etc. There is nothing more valuable to give than the fact that you're not romantically interested in them, and the less guff it's dressed up with, the fewer things there are for their brains to seize on as bargaining chips.

[Twig]

I continue to be completely and utterly jobless, reinforcing the long-held belief that I don't deserve to have a job I want.

 

I even emailed someone who wanted to hire me for a job I knew I'd hate and they just didn't even bother responding. Goes to show.

 

Yesterday I was told I'd be flown in for an on-site interview at a place that makes games I ostensibly enjoy. Today I'm told they're having a meeting discussing the position I applied for, and they'll get back to me as soon as it's over. That either means they're deciding whether or not they actually want to hire anyone at all OR it means they're deciding they're going to hire someone else. Either way, that was six hours ago. Long meeting. EDIT: Just got an email responding to my latest email saying that my assumption that I won't be flying in next week is correct. But that was it. So I still don't know what's going on, really, except that I'm definitely NOT interviewing with them next week.

 

I honestly don't even know what to do with my life anymore. It's been a year now. I just want to give up. I'm tired of it.

[Gormongous]

I don't mean to be a kill joy but I'd kind of appreciate it if you guys could quit that now.  I know that no one means any harm by it but I did have a very stressful and frustrating day and frankly the jokes are making me more upset because I feel they're at my expense even though I'm sure that's not the intention.  I have no hard feelings or anger to anyone but do please stop.

 

I'm sorry, SAM. I've definitely had days at a job where everything goes pear-shaped and it's all on me. You seem to be really good at your job, so I know it's shitty and stressful now, but a month or so down the road, you'll know you did a great job and were an asset to your workplace. Hopefully, other people there will see you and think the same, too.

[SecretAsianMan]

I'm sorry, SAM. I've definitely had days at a job where everything goes pear-shaped and it's all on me. You seem to be really good at your job, so I know it's shitty and stressful now, but a month or so down the road, you'll know you did a great job and were an asset to your workplace. Hopefully, other people there will see you and think the same, too.

 

I appreciate that.  I felt bad asking everyone to stop but I was really not in a mindset to find normal banter amusing and had to say something before it kept going.

 

Unfortunately I have no helpful advice for Thrik or Twig.  You guys have my sympathy, for the little that it's worth.

[Merus]

Well, some fucker lifted my phone.

[syntheticgerbil]

Some joker took my keys. I don't like that.

 

Er... hopefully it wasn't the most expensive phone?

[dibs]

Sorry SAM, I was being a butt.

[Thrik]

I ended up sending her a text that spelt out what I guess most people would just figure out themselves (i.e. second date made it apparent we didn't have enough commonality in terms of taste or how we want to spend our time). I'd rather not bump into her in town and have it left as it was so hopefully that's the end of the story. This kind of thing always sucks because she's a really nice girl, just not one I want to pursue. As Nachimir kind of said, she definitely strikes me as the 'will clutch at any straw to keep things going' type rather than just being realistic about the vibe not being right.

[Merus]

Some joker took my keys. I don't like that.

 

Er... hopefully it wasn't the most expensive phone?

 

It was an iPhone 5. Already reported stolen, blocked, lost mode, all that, phone was turned off 15 minutes after it disappeared which is not what happens when it's fallen out of your pocket. I can't afford a replacement.

[Jay Tholen]

Well, some fucker lifted my phone.

This happened to me about three years ago. They started adding contacts in like ~LuvaBoi~ and *`~AuNtIe~'* and stuff, which I found synced on the website. I called *'~AuNtIe~'* who said she thought it was strange that her 13 year old niece got a new phone on her own. She took my address to send the phone back. It never came, and new contacts were being synced to the website still. Auntie wouldn't pick up the phone either. I was more amused than mad, and I kind of liked people not being able to contact me, so I let it stay that way for a month or so before cancelling and hooking up my old clamshell.

It was a not-smart-phone, so there wasn't much she could do with it anyway. I hope they got it hooked up to a different service or something.

[SecretAsianMan]

Sorry SAM, I was being a butt.

 

No worries.  Like I said, not mad at anyone at all, just frustrated by life.

[Badfinger]

In a direct counter to the last few posts, I've met the most amazing girl. We have been talking for about two months, and went on our first date about a month ago. Due to the fact that she was in the process of moving back to this area after being away and a long vacation, we didn't see each other in person again until yesterday. We spent a good deal of time talking while she was on vacation, developed a friendship and grew close, but you can't truly know about these things until you're back in person. So far, it's really good. I'm happy!

 

Now I just need a job. I have gotten a couple of networking connections in the last few days, so there is potentially some progress there!

[I_smell]

Yaaayyyyyy!

Hooray for you!

 

I just got back from my 2nd solo travel trip. It was in Barcelona, I booked it on Wednesday and flew out on Friday... Yeah I guess I booked a flight out of Schiphol Airport on Wednesday, huh :I

 

It was nice! I didn't make any friends like on my last trip, but my last trip still stands in my heart as proof that I'm a good, approachable, charismatic boy. Lots of fun sight-seeing, stairs-climbing and a bit of existential thinking, it was a packed couple days.

One thing I thought about was that I've always been aware that sometimes people who push you to succeed are healthy friends to have, and sometimes they are not! Sometimes a guy is just bullying you, and sometimes they're genuinely encouraging you to reach your goals. One is just negative- like my boss or my older brother or my parents, and the other is really uplifting and empowering- usually a girlfriend. Here's the thing though: I realized the positive kind of pushy can come with a caveat. I was leaning on smiles and good encouragement on my trip, and I realized that a lot of those people actually look down on me. Sometimes people can help you and push you to succeed, and be all smiles and hugs, but they do it from a place of "I want you to be BETTER", not "I want you to be happy".

I realized some people are pushing me forward out of frustration and disappointment. Sometimes people want you to take drugs and buy sex and gamble and fight people, travel the world and do big dangerous things because that's what makes THEM feel accomplished- and those feelings are driven by insecurities. It's unhealthy for both of us for me to share someone else's band-aid (metaphorically).

Sometimes they just want you to be a cooler boyfriend, or someone who they'll be more happy hanging out with. It's okay to push your favourite movie or some unknown band on a person, but I've been absorbing those kinds of suggestions on who I am and my personality. When push comes to shove: You can't lean on someone who sees you as a let-down from day one.

 

This was a little crisis I had wandering around on my own- but then I remembered a very small handful of people who encourage me to do big things and ALSO look up to me for who I am now. It's nobody who's in-love with me, but just very close friends I've had here and there. Nothing in my cynical mind can nullify the advice of someone who already sees an accomplished and valuable person in me. That's what stops me from hitting rock-bottom, and I forgot about that while I was chasing around girls who want me to learn the guitar and buy all new clothes and go to the gym.

Those can be positive things to try, but in the wrong context they really aren't!

 

I usually delete my big posts in the Life thread before I hit Post, but aaaa this one's pretty toothless, so here ya go

[I_smell]

In my early 20s I'm learning the root meaning and definition of a lot of worn-out cliches they drop on kids, like "Always be yourself!" and "Enjoy the little things!" and "The grass is always greener!" and "Home is where the heart is!".

 

I guess it takes a lifetime to slowly fill out a good sense of why these one-liners persist over generations, and I look forward to collecting more set-ups to these tired old punchlines for the rest of my life.

[Roderick]

Oh, just wait til you get to "when you're feeling blue, punch a granny in the stomach". It's taken me thirty years to understand how true that is.

[Bjorn]

In my early 20s I'm learning the root meaning and definition of a lot of worn-out cliches they drop on kids, like "Always be yourself!" and "Enjoy the little things!" and "The grass is always greener!" and "Home is where the heart is!".

 

I guess it takes a lifetime to slowly fill out a good sense of why these one-liners persist over generations, and I look forward to collecting more set-ups to these tired old punchlines for the rest of my life.

 

What I love are learning these phrases from other cultures and languages.  In Central American Spanish, the equivalent to "I'd give an arm and a leg for that" is "I'd give my right eye for that."   And today I learned the Russian equivalent to the "Grass is greener on the other side" is something about how the goat on the other side of the fence is better. 

[Badfinger]

Yaaayyyyyy!

Hooray for you!

 

Update: Welp. Who needs to be happy anyway?

[miffy495]

What I love are learning these phrases from other cultures and languages.  In Central American Spanish, the equivalent to "I'd give an arm and a leg for that" is "I'd give my right eye for that."   And today I learned the Russian equivalent to the "Grass is greener on the other side" is something about how the goat on the other side of the fence is better. 

 

French Canadians don't say "you're pulling my leg", they say "you're singing an apple through my nose."

[Golden Calf]

It's unhealthy for both of us for me to share someone else's band-aid