Life

[Zeusthecat]

Patrick, this may be horrible advice but if it was me I would purposefully spend as much time thinking about it as I could. I have found that if I confront these types of things head on and run them through my head over and over my brain eventually sorts it out and becomes okay with it.

 

It is a very painful thing to do and can cause a lot of grief in the short term but in the long run I feel like I am better because of it. It becomes something that I can look back on and reflect on every aspect instead of something to avoid entirely.

 

Some therapists actually encourage this method of coming to terms with things when dealing with people who suffer from PTSD. But again, this could be absolutely horrible advice that only works for some people.

[Patrick R]

That does sound like she found a way to make the break up as easy as possible for herself with no regard to how it affects you. It's possible she didn't do it consciously as she says, but we have some responsibility to be conscious of our actions and how they affect people, don't we?

 

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, so it's possible that she thought this would be good for me as well because, being in an open relationship, I too have other people I am seeing right now. Maybe she saw it as the best possible way for both of us. But man, in practice it does not work like this. I don't love the other people at all like I loved her, and the level of perceived deceit* involved is maybe the most painful part of it. Like, it throws so much of what I thought was true about our relationship into question.

 

*Maybe I will take your advice and start developing my own strategy game called Perceived Deceit. That's almost a Massive Chalice quality title. It'll be about how to end a relationship with someone you don't love, but they still love you. The twist is that even though there are hundreds of different ways it can end, there are absolutely no win-states. I'll probably license your music generator, and encourage players to upload videos of them and their exes during happier times, to play over the end credits. IGF, here I come!

 

Patrick, this may be horrible advice but if it was me I would purposefully spend as much time thinking about it as I could. I have found that if I confront these types of things head on and run them through my head over and over my brain eventually sorts it out and becomes okay with it.

 

It is a very painful thing to do and can cause a lot of grief in the short term but in the long run I feel like I am better because of it. It becomes something that I can look back on and reflect on every aspect instead of something to avoid entirely.

 

Some therapists actually encourage this method of coming to terms with things when dealing with people who suffer from PTSD. But again, this could be absolutely horrible advice that only works for some people.

 

I think with the kind of brain I have, an immersion therapy type situation is my only real option. I am completely unable to stop my mind from going there. I almost broke down at work the other day because fuckin' Funky Town came on the radio, and it has that part where it goes "Gotta move on!" over and over again. The big twist there being that I tweeted about that, only to get a reply from Lipps Inc. themselves, unknowingly mocking me for my pain. What's next, Disco Duck calls me a pussy?

[I_smell]

I spent some time worrying about my situation, and after a couple weeks I had gone over everything enough times that I eventually felt prepared for it.

Since then, I was still feeling THE EFFECTS of depression and anxiety for a couple weeks more, even though I'm not actively thinking about or worrying about leaving all my friends behind... like I said in that post a couple hours ago.

 

So this week I've bin taking tablets and doing everything to occupy myself, and I feel some percentage better.

On the one hand I feel guilty that this could be interpreted as avoiding analysing the problem and how I feel- but on the other much bigger hand, I feel justified in that I recognized that I'd ALREADY DONE THAT for a couple weeks, and the only thing I'm actually quelling is randomly terrifying myself awake at night.

 

Which is fine, because that was never gonna stimulate any kind of introspective revelation at all.

[Gormongous]

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, so it's possible that she thought this would be good for me as well because, being in an open relationship, I too have other people I am seeing right now. Maybe she saw it as the best possible way for both of us. But man, in practice it does not work like this. I don't love the other people at all like I loved her, and the level of perceived deceit involved is maybe the most painful part of it. Like, it throws so much of what I thought was true about our relationship into question.

 

Honestly, I've seen it happen a fair amount in transitioning relationships. One person suggests a break or an open relationship in good faith, but discovers that the space/freedom/attention they get from it is actually more important to them than the relationship, so their intentions shift. What I'm saying is, it could be bad luck and poor communication more than deceit, not that that makes you feel any better. Don't think of the five years as a waste though. Unless the relationship was toxic anyway, you grew as a person during it, which is what counts. Judging a relationship by its permanency is a fool's game, since they all end sometime.

 

Whenever I have a problem and I go to bed, that becomes a problem for future me. Our atomic self is endlessly fascinating. It's a fun thing to think about why you are you and not another person. But feeling 'trapped' in my body? No, never. We are our bodies. There's no 'pure being' trapped inside a clumsy shell of organs and bone. We are the shell.

 

Well, I don't really think in terms of mind/matter, more that there's nothing I can do to prevent my individual death. I can back up or insure everything in life except my own self, which feels a little confining at times.

[Patrick R]

Honestly, I've seen it happen a fair amount in transitioning relationships. One person suggests a break or an open relationship in good faith, but discovers that the space/freedom/attention they get from it is actually more important to them than the relationship, so their intentions shift. What I'm saying is, it could be bad luck and poor communication more than deceit, not that that makes you feel any better. Don't think of the five years as a waste though. Unless the relationship was toxic anyway, you grew as a person during it, which is what counts. Judging a relationship by its permanency is a fool's game, since they all end sometime.

 

Intellectually, I know you are probably right about it more likely being bad luck and poor communication than straight-up deceit, and definitely right about the five years not being a waste. But it's really hard for me to feel any of it, at this point. I'm sure down the road I will and it will make more sense. Or maybe I'm right, and my life is over because I am some unlovable goblin. Tough call at this point.

 

I spent some time worrying about my situation, and after a couple weeks I had gone over everything enough times that I eventually felt prepared for it.

Since then, I was still feeling THE EFFECTS of depression and anxiety for a couple weeks more, even though I'm not actively thinking about or worrying about leaving all my friends behind... like I said in that post a couple hours ago.

 

So this week I've bin taking tablets and doing everything to occupy myself, and I feel some percentage better.

On the one hand I feel guilty that this could be interpreted as avoiding analysing the problem and how I feel- but on the other much bigger hand, I feel justified in that I recognized that I'd ALREADY DONE THAT for a couple weeks, and the only thing I'm actually quelling is randomly terrifying myself awake at night.

 

Which is fine, because that was never gonna stimulate any kind of introspective revelation at all.

 

I think big life changes always do this, though, especially with risk involved. Until you're actually there, and you have more literal problems and difficulties to address, the inescapable dread of the unknown will just be there. 

[Gormongous]

Intellectually, I know you are probably right about it more likely being bad luck and poor communication than straight-up deceit, and definitely right about the five years not being a waste. But it's really hard for me to feel any of it, at this point. I'm sure down the road I will and it will make more sense. Or maybe I'm right, and my life is over because I am some unlovable goblin. Tough call at this point.

 

Oh no, definitely give yourself time to grieve and feel like shit, so long as you keep in mind that a breakup doesn't define (or redefine) who you are and what you're worth. We're all here for you, man.

[Hermie]

That sucks, Patrick. =/

 

Don't think of it as five years down the drain. Relationships aren't something we get stuck in because there's a grand prize waiting for us if we manage to die before breaking up. I'm sure you got something out of it while in it, and anyway you've got a lot more experience under your belt you can use to improve yourself and possibly avoid some pitfalls in our future relationships.

This is important.

 

my favourite lyrics from an otherwise silly song: It's not how long you make it, but how you make it long.

[subbes]

Take time to grieve, but don't dwell.  It's really hard to know when one ends and the other begins, though, so I won't get mad if you overshoot.  But maybe check in with someone every so often to see if you're still in an OK place, mentally; whether that be a professional or a non-professional member of Team You is up to you.  I second the suggestion of Cap'n Awkward and am actually surprised someone suggested it before me, 'cause that's usually my line.  

 

 

 

I'm going into the city tomorrow to look for buried treasure in the golden gate park.  If I find it, I promise I won't let the $$huge wealth$$ affect me.

 

the huge wealth would be like $200

[Roderick]

Yeah, I stole that from you!

[tegan]

This is the second night in a row that I've woken up at 3am.

 

x__x

[pabosher]

This is the second night in a row that I've woken up at 3am.

 

x__x

 

I now consistently wake up thrice a night for varying lengths of time. It sucks majorly.

 

In more positive news: this Thursday sees the start of our Blackadder II run! Tremendously excited.

[Ben X]

In more positive news: this Thursday sees the start of our Blackadder II run! Tremendously excited.

 

The last I read you were doing a Flashheart audition piece, did I miss something? Are you in a group performing the whole of Blackadder II?

[subbes]

Yeah, I stole that from you!

 

(HALFHEARTEDLY SHAKES FIST, IS DISTRACTED BY CEREAL.)

[Nachimir]

Break a leg, Pabosher!
 

I may just be super bitter and connecting the dots to form a more insidious picture of her than what actually happened, but I'm still skeptical of the story she gave me.

 
Most people's unconscious minds aren't particularly accessible to them. Ask someone to define their motive for an action and two things will tend to happen: You'll be told a more socially acceptable and cleaned up version of their actual intent, or they'll come up with a complete post-hoc fabrication of motives because they didn't really know themselves why they were doing whatever they did (Not as cynical or absurd as it sounds: These are things we all do to ourselves). Your suspicions might be true, but that doesn't mean she had conscious intent to behave so shittily.

Anyway, that sucks and I'm sorry to hear it Sorry if the above seems unsympathetic, because:

Yeah, my ex did this to me. She was literally living with the guy the day after we broke up. It's the shittiest.

 

The same happened to me, and 18 months later I still get a bit angry if I think about her.
 

I know it's cruel, but I am so glad I'm not the only person kept up by the thought of "I am trapped in this body and someday it will break and then I will be gone" at night.

 
I worry about death, but find doing stuff makes things okay again. It seems criminal to let myself age without achieving things.

A significant part of my childhood and teens was being conditioned to believe that, as long as I followed the unattainably high rules of a cult's vengeful god, I'd live forever in an earthly paradise. The years of existential angst and mystification between then and now were long and intense. I've ended up an atheist and feeling somewhat okay about death, but only as long as I'm doing and making stuff. Moving on from that past has imparted a very keen sense of how limited my time is, and if I ever stagnate, I feel anxious and depressed.

Once during the transition, some buddhists refused to teach me the meditations surrounding these beliefs, so I invented my own based purely around the process of putrefaction. I only did them once, and it was somewhat upsetting to imagine my own corpse and its deterioration to mould and dust. The upset was short lived, and I think there was some value to actually reinforcing the concept that I'd one day die, but it probably takes a particular mindset to go into an experience like that and I very much doubt doing it would be good for everyone. I also still have no way to measure how well adjusted, or not, I am in relation to death. I accept that it will happen, but am never comfortable about it and don't want to think about it. I've been in situations where I was much closer to death than usual and thought "This experience is valuable enough that I accept this risk".
 
When I read about others having these feelings, despite doing excellent/exciting things like moving countries to start a game studio, it occurs to me that maybe I just don't think about it as much or as consistently as some do; maybe most of the time my unconscious is whistling past the subject and will have a massive crisis one day.

[tegan]

It rained all day and I couldn't get outside long enough to get a decent amount of activity on my Pokéwalker. Instead I constructed an elaborate cheating device.

 

 

You just keep pressing down on the pedal thing on the left and the arm moves in a walking motion. I've reinforced the axle since taking that photo so that it doesn't bend anymore. If I had more parts I would try to automate it or make it look a little more attractive.

[pabosher]

The last I read you were doing a Flashheart audition piece, did I miss something? Are you in a group performing the whole of Blackadder II?

 

I actually auditioned a regular audition - reading Blackadder and Percy, if I remember correctly - and was cast as Flashheart. This Thursday-Saturday we're doing 4 performances (inc. a matinee) where we're performing Head, Beer, and Bells (in that order) wherein I play Earl Farrow (Lord Farrow's briefly on-screen brother), Friar Frobisher (who throws up into Blackadder's chimney) and Lord Flashheart respectively.

 

And hey, thanks Nachimir!

 

PS: This is the bio I've sent in (and has been accepted!) for the show:

 

As the world’s greatest lover, the UK’s most glamorous gentleman, and Durham’s finest bachelor, Phillipe Bosher was an obvious choice to play the part of Lord Flashheart. Born in darkness and raised in obscurity, Phillipe’s explosion onto the DST scene was marked with tremendous fanfare, jubilation, and the subsequent birth of over 500 Lothario Boshers in October 2013. Ladies – >9/10 only, please – call him at 555-BESTLOVR.

[tegan]

I'm so tired... but I can't sleep. x__x

[Justin Leego]

Can you turn your Pokéwalker into a yo-yo?

[Roderick]

Tegan, have you tried meditation before going to bed, to deliberately relax? Might help, dunno.

[Ben X]

This Thursday-Saturday we're doing 4 performances (inc. a matinee) where we're performing Head, Beer, and Bells (in that order) wherein I play Earl Farrow (Lord Farrow's briefly on-screen brother), Friar Frobisher (who throws up into Blackadder's chimney) and Lord Flashheart respectively.

 

Vids pls thx.

[pabosher]

Vids pls thx.

 

I would, but the rights to perform the play state explicitly that we can't record it

[Roderick]

Yes, but you'll do it anyway for us.

[Apelsin]

Get someone else to do it!

[pabosher]

... I'll see what I can do.

 

EDIT: Also, here is a thing I wrote in character for another play, called Gilbert is Dead. It's quite glib, but in case you have a spare moment: https://t.co/hLbsgKEtDv

[I_smell]

GUYS I LIVE IN HOLLAND NOW AJSDHCKDNDICNDJC

I moved today. Leaving my whole family behind customs was extremely sad, and I was pretty torn up for a while but for some reason as soon as I touched down I felt great and fine.

There is seriously like 6 Facebook updates in a row of me crying and being really sad, then "huh weird, now I just feel great"