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Argh I'm so angry right now. I wrote them an email. but I'm saving it as a draft until I'm level-headed enough to decide whether I want to send it or not.

 

I feel like I'm falling apart.

 

I'm going to have to discuss this with my counselor in the morning.

 

You tried, which makes you the better person, it's still good to have optimism, no matter how many times it doesn't work.

 

At least you got to see 3d Goldblum. Did you recognize this pose?

 

8yPA2.jpg

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Aw, that sounds awful Tegan. I'm sorry to hear that.

I think it was courageous of you to meet her at all, and while the outcome may hurt, at least you don't have the doubts you would have if you'd not done it.

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That really sucks, Tegan. But you're really strong to confront them anyway. I'm 25 and I still haven't told my parents that I am queer because they're super Catholic (my dad is in the process of becoming a Deacon!) and I'm just way too scared of confrontation. It sounds like you really are taking steps towards living your life as who you actually are, and that takes real strength. Don't get too mad at yourself for wanting to believe the meeting would be more than it ended up being. My girlfriend has a parent with Borderline personality disorder and it's a constant struggle for her to maintain proper boundaries because she wants to believe so much that her mom can change.

 

What's important is that you clearly have some kind of support network, your friend and a counselor who both can help you out.

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A horrible thing, Tegan. Argh, how can parents be so callous and nasty? What a manipulative bunch of freaks. They are NOT normal.

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Christ, I can't believe what a manipulative dipshit your mom is, tegan. You can really congratulate yourself on growing up a decent person in spite of that influence.

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Yea and don't you dare blame yourself for any of it. They are doing this nonsense to themselves. Seething rage is entirely appropriate. Some people! Jesus fuck!

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Sorry to hear it didn't go well for you, Tegan. At least you're getting the Blue Cross stuff in order. I'll add my voice to the chorus of people congratulating you for not being a shithead as a result of growing up in that situation. Keep on the course you've started and build yourself a network of friends starting from the one you have already come out to. You'll get there, and if your folks are just going to impede your happiness, best to leave them out of it altogether. Being raised in the 90s by a social worker who worked with AIDS patients, it's so weird to me whenever I am confronted with the truth that people still hold opinions like your parents. 90% of my mom's male coworkers were gay, and most of the people she worked to help through their treatment as well, so when meeting a new person queer was my default assumption for a long time growing up. The point being, to a whole lot of people, it isn't anything resembling a big deal that you're gay, and thinking less of you for it is an alien concept. You'll find lots of those people, and hopefully you don't need the internet to tell you that your parents' values are pretty damn fucked up. Stay strong, and until you find real world support, Idle Forums already loves you.

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I've been silently following along and thus far haven't said anything because, well, I'm afraid I have no good advice to offer, at least nothing beyond what has already been said.  But you can count me among your supporters Tegan.  I hope things turn around for you soon.

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I'm SORTA drunk so I apologize for everything that follows. Except for the good parts.

 

Tegan, I wish I had as much courage as you have. The fact that you went through with all this shit despite previous knowledge of bullshititude from your mother, man, major props. I dunno if I'd have been able to do that. In fact, I'm almost certain I couldn't have.

 

I'm a straight white dude, really tall, kinda fat, TOTALLY COMPLETELY AVERAGE AMERICAN and goddamnit I am sad and lonely and fuck. I moved to San Francisco over half a year ago and it was great. Just like when I originally moved to Redmond, Washington. Just like when I lived in Japan for six months. I love, love, love just moving to a new place and being forced to Make New Friends. Which is weird, 'cause I'm socially awkward as fuck and can't handle new things, but it's so great to do it anyway. Then I get complacent with my life. It becomes sorta monotonous. Then I get bored. When I get bored, I start thinking. When I start thinking, I realize I'm fucking lonely as shit.

 

I made an OkCupid account the other night. I haven't uploaded a picture, yet. I will. Maybe things will happen from it. I went out drinking with some coworkers/friends tonight. One of them said he messaged a girl on OkCupid because she had a picture of herself with a professional League of Legends player, and she told him to play Dota 2 after a conversation, and he never followed up. I was kinda upset at this revelation. Mostly 'cause I wish he'd play Dota 2 with me. Is that weird?

 

I feel like an asshole for feeling all this SAD/LONELY because I know people out there, like you, tegan, you awesome person, have it much, much worse than me. Ugh. You are the best! Believe that.

 

fffffuck i'm drunk

 

I tried to talk to a girl at a bar tonight.

 

...I forgot to tell her my name. She turned away to talk to another girl. I went to the bathroom and then left. My friends had abandoned me (to be fair - because they saw me talking to this girl). I paid $60 for a cab ride back to Burlingame.

 

ahahah that's the funniest thing to me right now goddamnit i am the worst

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Twig, you might not be drunk anymore (and possibly regretting everything you wrote here) (actually, now that I see your post, it was half an hour ago, but it's Saturday morning in Holland so I couldn't imagine drunken adventures at this time), but it seems like those are not insurmountable problems to solve. You clearly have what it takes to make new friends, so when you say you're lonely, doesn't that mean you're not putting as much effort into maintaining those friends? Having relationships with anyone, friend or romantic interest, requires effort. Constant effort. Not of the crushing, hard kind, but a sort of deliberate consideration - making sure you arrange time to hang out, investing in other people. That seems a surefire way to build lasting relationships.

And the same holds true for romantic interests. Making a profile for OKCupid is a good way to meet someone. Take the next step, meet someone, hang out. Don't make another desperate move to another city where the good life is bound to happen, as you've been on this road before and it didn't alleviate the real issue.

Sorry, I am not drunk right now, and this might all be way too rational/helpful/Captain Awkward for this situation.

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Nonono I mean I'm lonely purely in the romantic sense. Friends-wise, I'm golden! I'm quite happy. Also I wasn't actually considering moving elsewhere. I've got a good job, awesome friends, etc. There are a few places I would jump at the chance to work, but two of them are in San Francisco, so, hey!

 

Also also I'm still way drunk so not regretting anything YET!!!

 

I'm gonna go hiking with one friend on Sunday. Maybe two, although the second guy probably won't join us. Who knows. Ahh, I love hiking but haven't gone in a whileeee.

 

It's just... man I wish I had someone SPECIAL.

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Haha, I vaguely remember posting in here last night. Well, I'm glad I didn't say anything too weird! Or untrue, I guess! Here's to THE FUTURE.

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Is this the drunk thread now? I don't really have anything to say but I have loads of mints. When the waitress asked if there's was anything else when she collecteted the bill I was like yeah more fuckin mints so she gave me a fuck ton of mints. Like quality foxes mints, I'm pretty happy about it.

I have all the mints

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Woo, drunk thread. I feel you, Twig. I broke up with my girlfriend of three years a while ago, wasted a few months with a girl I knew from the start had too many issues to date, and now am with another I'm not terribly into but cannot find the time to set things square. It's a long, hard road finding someone who works for you, and the meantime is loneliness and hardship. I really don't have any answers, except the assurance that things aren't always this way. A coin can only turn up heads so many times in a row, right?

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Is this the drunk thread now? I don't really have anything to say but I have loads of mints. When the waitress asked if there's was anything else when she collecteted the bill I was like yeah more fuckin mints so she gave me a fuck ton of mints. Like quality foxes mints, I'm pretty happy about it.

I have all the mints

 

Is this the drunk candy thread? One time my friend and I were at a bar and she realized that her purse was like, FULL of Jolly Ranchers. In addition to a pretty good tip, we also covered the table with individually wrapped Jolly Ranchers arranged in a picture as we left. Every time we've been back to that bar, they recognize us and we get the best service. Bribe your wait-staff with candy.

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I don't drink and I don't have any candy. Booooo.

 

 

So I got another message from my mom.

 

You have been on my mind, and I am trying to see myself in your place.  I am sorry if I have caused you emotional pain, but you are important to me and I still love you and accept you for who you are.  It has taken me a long time to come to this.  I want you to succeed in life and to be happy with who you are.  If you want to return to school I will try to help you, but you must have a plan to try to save some money to get to school as well and do the research on what the job situation is for graphic design etc.  Maybe you are not up to doing anything about school at this point, but I want you to try to get help with how you are feeling emotionally and when you are feeling better it might help to have something positive to look forward to.  I know you are a very good artist and that you would probably enjoy working in art.  Let me know what you think.

Love
Mom

 

It sounds good in a vacuum, but I find it hard to accept a sudden change of heart and olive branch like this.

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That sounds a bit inconsistent with the way she behaved at your last meeting. I bet some of her feelings are genuine, but she's nowhere near actually having processed or reconciled any of it in her own mind. I wouldn't trust her to manage it any time soon, either.

Nonono I mean I'm lonely purely in the romantic sense.

I've been feeling that for quite a few weeks too recently. I've tried OK Cupid and a bunch of people around here seem to be terminally dull (A *lot* of profiles: "I like going out with my friends but I sometimes like staying in as well. I like films and music". Might as well say "I like to say things and eat stuff").

Whenever I feel lonely or neglected, I chide myself that it's a state in which I have very little to offer anyone else. If it persists, I find the best way to shake it is to give to others in some way. I spent a big chunk of my weekend volunteering at Maker Faire UK, teaching kids to solder, and it worked. I feel awesome now.

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Could all those dull profiles be the result of people trying to appeal to as broad a spectrum as possible? Hedging their bets, in a way. Perhaps they're afraid of being specific, because specific things can be found weird by others. It seems counterproductive not to be specific, though. The whole idea is find a match for you, is it not?

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I made an OK Cupid profile like a day before Twig's post. I'm having a ton of fun with it. I'm surprised it has this many users around here, but then Helsinki is a bigger place than I'm used to. Anyway, I haven't met anyone yet, but it's been far, far nicer than I expected. It's super important to present yourself well in text as well as the photos, but I don't see what you could lose from trying it. It must have tons more users in SF. If you think someone has a boring profile, maybe you shouldn't contact her. Do the opposite yourself, open up about yourself. Don't just try to present yourself as a regular guy guy with guy hobbies. I've had three women ask me about Doctor Who and one about Joseph Conrad.

Oh yeah, I moved to Helsinki. I'm working at the local science centre to fulfil my obligation to defend the nation. It's bloody great, except I'm poor and they are working me as if they are paying me to do it. Still haven't finished my Master's Thesis and it's going to take a while. Anyway, life is pretty damn good except I only know a couple of people in this town and have little spending money (this does not in any way compare to actual poverty).

Tegan, your mom has to put something on the line. Every time you reach out, you are putting a piece of yourself on the line, which they have chosen to have for dinner. The last time she promised to help you, she lied about some money, which you need. Using that to lure you into the meeting was some special kind of Macchiavellian bullshit. She still owes you that money. If she wants to help you, there are concrete ways she can do that, ways that are simple and don't require an ounce of trust from you. I've never been in any kind of situation that resembles yours, so I suppose my advice is potentially dangerous... But my two cents are that trust is earned, but not by making promises.

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I don't drink and I don't have any candy. Booooo.

 

 

So I got another message from my mom.

 

 

 

It sounds good in a vacuum, but I find it hard to accept a sudden change of heart and olive branch like this.

 

Especially when it seems she's tried the same tactic again and again.

 

But don't worry too much about not drinking, I say it's overrated anyway. Not that I can drink really, a genetic mutation causes me to get a hangover upon drinking nigh any alcohol almost immediately. Which gives me a good perspective on the whole thing, which seems mainly to be about getting drunk most of the time. Now candy, candy though is worth its weight in gold.

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Me and my girlfriend pretty recently started to have an open relationship, so we've been OkCupiding for a little bit. It sucks if you're a girl looking for guys on there because so many guys are creeps, and it sucks if you're a guy looking for girls because there's an assumed level of creepiness behind everything you say because most guys are such creeps. And it sucks if you are me and looking for men because I have tremendous anxiety talking to men in most parts of my life. It's why I pretty much have no male friends in real life, and the idea of the anxiety of first dates (seriously, even when you're with great people, first dates are so awkward) compounded with the idea of a first date with a guy just freaks me out.

Not really sure if the site is commonly used by queer women, honestly, because my girlfriend has had very little luck talking to girls.

 

That being said, I've met some pretty cool people. I've hooked up casually with a transwoman which was a pretty interesting and positive experience, and I'm dating a girl who recommended an amazing Troma movie about a gay yeti, which we bonded over. You can meet good people on that site, it just takes some work. I usually end up talking to them for a couple days about The X-Files or Gucci Mane or whatever easy pop cultural stuff we sync up with (a lot of people list their favorite video games as well, actually) before asking them to dinner or something. The hardest part is that transition but I think as long as you're not a creep, you keep the tone pretty casual, and you find enough stuff to relate to, it can be positive. All dating is crazy awkward in general, but I think OkCupid is a pretty good site, especially if you want to meet nerdy people.

One piece of advice I would give is to answer a lot of the questions, and do them truthfully. I've found that more often than not I end up having a ton in common with people I have a high match percentage with. It's also a good way of weeding out people who you just fundamentally would not get along with, like if anyone is homophobic or sexist or something.

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Dull OK Cupid profiles belong to dull people.  Don't message them!  And make sure your profile isn't dull!  If you are a dull person, go out and do any activity, no matter how dumb, just so you can write, "I'm trying out Mario's Picross and will either throw it away in five days or become an addict."  Because, well, it's something.

 

And sometimes even mutual interests can't connect.

 

ME: "You have a Mass Effect poster in the background of one of your pics. I'm playing that game right now!"

 

HER: "Yeah, the game's all right but I really like the universe.  I wrote some stories." *Sends a link to her erotic Seth Green fanfiction.*

 

 

ME: "Wow, good for Joker!  I wonder if he's going to get to do anything cool in Mass Effect 3.  Anyway..."

 

Then I never heard from her again.

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But don't worry too much about not drinking, I say it's overrated anyway. Not that I can drink really, a genetic mutation causes me to get a hangover upon drinking nigh any alcohol almost immediately. Which gives me a good perspective on the whole thing, which seems mainly to be about getting drunk most of the time. Now candy, candy though is worth its weight in gold.

 

Because I have something of an addictive personality, I decided to never ever try drinking, smoking, or using drugs. Thus far the results have been pretty good, but I want to start going to gay bars in the future and I feel like I'll get laughed at if I ask for chocolate milk.

 

(I also try to avoid juice and soft drinks because they're super bad for you, so it's pretty much just water and milk for me)

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