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I don't want to fall in love! At least part of my brain doesn't. I've heard what's it's like, retroactively it sounds horrible. Like a fucking heroin addiction, literally I've heard a heroin addiction described in the exact same way. It probably activates some of the same damned regions in the brain. But I like her, and smile at her, and...

 

Is it weird to be neurotic about it? Am I over reacting? Maybe not, I watched my brother go through it, and a breakup. Listening to him incidentally was like listening to a fucking gibbering moron drool over himself. It's probably an evolutionary compensation for increased brain size and efficiency in humans. I'm going to like her as a friend damn it, I've got other things to do with my life, potentially very important things! I need to make everyone biologically immortal, that company isn't going to start itself, let alone my novel finishing itself, that paper I want to do on post human work economics, those meandering thoughts about a quantum physics revolution, heck I've not even worked on my video game in I don't know how long. I've got too many things to do and too much procrastination to overcome for this shit brain!

 

Then again, coming here reminds me that some of my problems aren't as immediately stressful as others. Hope the whole... thing, works out Tegan. Hope your friend goes with you and it's all going to be fine. Stressing out never helps,. I should know, I've gotten myself into stupid, fairly important problems before, and have always managed to make it work out, sometimes very last minute, by just shrugging and keeping my head on straight. So don't stress if that's what you're doing!

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I don't want to fall in love!

 

I've got other things to do with my life, potentially very important things!

That sounds like bullshit bullshit and you are just scared of rejection or being inadequate or giving up some control or something, whatever, you should embrace that complex of feelings to its fullest extent, it is a very important part of the human experience. And if you get your heart broken but manage to keep yourself together to a certain degree you might get some primo high focus work time out of it, you know, to distract from the pain.

 

I mean, yeah, you are probably overreacting, just go with it, it might be fun and exciting. And new experiences are good a lot of times.

 

But if you really don't care about this stuff, don't let anyone tell you you should.

 

I mean: :)

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That sounds like bullshit bullshit and you are just scared of rejection or being inadequate or giving up some control or something, whatever, you should embrace that complex of feelings to its fullest extent, it is a very important part of the human experience. And if you get your heart broken but manage to keep yourself together to a certain degree you might get some primo high focus work time out of it, you know, to distract from the pain.

 

I mean, yeah, you are probably overreacting, just go with it, it might be fun and exciting. And new experiences are good a lot of times.

 

But if you really don't care about this stuff, don't let anyone tell you you should.

 

I mean: :)

 

Not really, I'm not scared of rejection at all. I'm actually worried about it, at least some stupidly neurotic part of my brain is.

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You know, having a partner doesn't necessarily mean that you won't get to do any of those things, or that you'll live a less rewarding life by not doing them. Love does weird things to people, but actively choosing to Scrooge McDuck your way through life pretty much always ends disaster.

 

 

I'm having a hard time getting the appointment with my mom set up. She wants to meet at a restaurant instead of my friend's house, but I don't want to discuss my private matters out in the open. And she wants to meet on the same day that I have a doctor's appointment and will have to walk for a few hours in a part of town I've never been to before. And I can't take a cab because I've only got fifteen dollars left in cash and negative ten dollars in my bank account.

It's not like I even want her back in my life. I don't even know how to describe to her how awful she's made me feel, or even talk to her without just freaking out and screaming at her. All I want is to get the money, have dinner, and go see Jurassic Park with my friend.

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Just tell her to meet you at your friend's house or it's off. Don't let her start setting the terms now. If she keeps insisting, you should probably not do it.

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Excuse me if this goes on a bit long.

First of all, I am currently unemployed and looking for work. This is extremely frustrating, and I'm starting to run out of savings to keep me afloat.

Because of some dumb decisions last year, I did some work for several months and have been trying to get paid for that work for the past 5 months. It has been nothing but a train wreck and a huge hassle and is just a horrible weighty stress on me at all times right now. Its gotten to the point where when people talk to me one of the first things they ask is, "So, gotten paid yet?"

I have no girlfriend or serious relationship, but would desire one. But right now I dont want to try for anything because I just feel its more important to work on getting a job first.

But on the plus side, I'm in good health (well, mostly. I had an ear infection last week, still sort of feeling some effects from that) and I'm relatively happy, so there's that. Happy, but stressed.

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You know, having a partner doesn't necessarily mean that you won't get to do any of those things, or that you'll live a less rewarding life by not doing them. Love does weird things to people, but actively choosing to Scrooge McDuck your way through life pretty much always ends disaster.

 

 

I'm having a hard time getting the appointment with my mom set up. She wants to meet at a restaurant instead of my friend's house, but I don't want to discuss my private matters out in the open. And she wants to meet on the same day that I have a doctor's appointment and will have to walk for a few hours in a part of town I've never been to before. And I can't take a cab because I've only got fifteen dollars left in cash and negative ten dollars in my bank account.

It's not like I even want her back in my life. I don't even know how to describe to her how awful she's made me feel, or even talk to her without just freaking out and screaming at her. All I want is to get the money, have dinner, and go see Jurassic Park with my friend.

 

I'm just being neurotic about whether it's even worth it. But as for you.... yeah just have her meet you at her friends house, if she really want to she will, if something else is up she wont.

 

Oh, and Jurassic Park in 3d is totally worth the entry price. The T-Rex entrance alone is worth it. Not too mention shirtless Jeff Goldblum! (It's hilarious for a reason you might suddenly recognize and go "oohhhh"). Hope it works out alright either way.

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For all my own various troubles in life, i've never been significantly at odds with my family, i can't imagine what it would be like otherwise.

I hope things work out for you Tegan.

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Argh. My mom doesn't want to budge on the meeting in public thing, and now my friend's saying I should go along with it so that she doesn't make a scene. The thing is, I think I'm more likely to make a scene. Maybe it's for the best, even if I end up outing myself to a few strangers.

 

I got some things done today!

 

  • made a real breakfast with bacon and eggs and everything
  • sorted all the cables behind my TV
  • caught Zapdos in Pokémon Leafgreen (in a Poké Ball, awww yeaaah)
  • went for a half-hour walk, explored some parts of my neighbourhood that I've never been to before.
  • Fixed an issue where one of my HDD icons was defaulting to one for a different HDD. I've been wanting to fix this for years. Turns out I just needed to sit down for five minutes and mess around with some config files.
  • built a Rainmeter skin that acts as a desktop wallpaper to get around one of the limitations of having an unregistered copy of Windows. When I have some free time I think I'll make it cycle through different wallpapers or something.

Man, I am living some uneventful days.

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Well, if you really don't want to do it in a public place, don't budge either. Got to keep things on your terms.

On the other hand, I can see it might be weird for her going to someone's flat that she doesn't know, and at least a public place means you can get up and walk away if you need to rather than try to throw her out. If you find a relatively secluded area and have your friend nearby, it could be okay.

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Aaaaaagh this is gonna' be a rough day. I have a doctor's appointment next town over that I have to walk to. It's gonna' be about an hour and a half walk, then I need to convince the doctor that I'm depressed so that Blue Cross can finally pay me, then I have to walk back and get ready to meet with my mom. Then when I meet with her it's going to take all my strength to not freak out at her.

 

You can see why I want to meet a nice girl who can help me through these things. At least I get to go to Jurassic Park after it's all over, but I'd sooner go with someone I can cuddle with.

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Aaaaaagh this is gonna' be a rough day. I have a doctor's appointment next town over that I have to walk to. It's gonna' be about an hour and a half walk, then I need to convince the doctor that I'm depressed so that Blue Cross can finally pay me, then I have to walk back and get ready to meet with my mom. Then when I meet with her it's going to take all my strength to not freak out at her.

 

You can see why I want to meet a nice girl who can help me through these things. At least I get to go to Jurassic Park after it's all over, but I'd sooner go with someone I can cuddle with.

 

Is there anywhere in your town that refurbs bicycles and gives them away or sells them cheaply? (Something like Troy Bike Rescue). If you're having to travel and are okay with walking, I would seriously recommend a bike for getting around cheaply and quickly.

 

(Of course, I'm making loads of assumptions about your health and the climate you live in).

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I survived the doctor's appointment! ...Barely. My legs are stiff and aching and I'm soaked to the bone. Good news though, she's going to help back me up with Blue Cross so I can get paid, and I'm getting off until at least June.

 

 

I'm going to take a short rest and then get ready for my meeting with my mom.

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The best of luck to you, Tegan. I hope things go well.

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HE! Leave those blues alone, they did nothing wrong. They don't deserve a beating.

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Even if you can't get a bike, think of it as depression-reducing exercise! Also, hopefully it tired you out enough that you didn't freak out at your mum!

 

However it went, that's good news about the doctor, nice one.

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The meeting with my mom was terrible. It was 90% awkward silences interspersed by my seething rage and her either implicitly disagreeing when I'm trying to make a point or giving the most halfhearted apologies possible. Lots of stuff about how my dad was allegedly going through a nervous breakdown and how I'm supposed to be the one at fault for having the audacity to be gay. I did get to vocalize a lot of things that I've always wanted to, like telling her how much it hurt to grow up in a house where everything was the fault of "those fuckin' queers" when that's exactly what I am. I swore at her for the first time in my life. I thought it would be cathartic, but I didn't really feel anything. I don't know if I feel any better for the whole conversation. In fact I think I feel worse.

 

Also, the Canada Savings Bond thing was just meant as a lure. It was only $140 and was already cashed. Nobody would get a bond that low, and she wouldn't have been able to cash it in my name. And I fell for it like the idiot that I am. I always do this. I get nostalgic, I miss the idea of having a family. And then when I let them weasel their way back in they just remind me all over again of why I left in the first place and get an open invitation to hurt me all over again and break down the defenses I've built. I'm such a moron. Stupid, stupid Tegan.

 

 

 

At least Jurassic Park was good.

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I'm so sorry, Tegan. You did the right thing, though. It's not your fault that your family takes advantage of your kindness and trust to guilt and manipulate you. In a way, you're strong for keeping those feelings despite such evidence to the contrary.

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Argh I'm so angry right now. I wrote them an email. but I'm saving it as a draft until I'm level-headed enough to decide whether I want to send it or not.

 

I feel like I'm falling apart.

 

I'm going to have to discuss this with my counselor in the morning.

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That's probably the best option. I know you want to keep talking to them until they finally get it, but sometimes it's better to disengage, especially if they can ruin your day like this.

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