Jump to content
gdf

Life

Recommended Posts

woo, solidarity! OuO

 

I'm going to go to the Service New Brunswick office tomorrow to apply for employment insurance. I've had to do it before. Hopefully that can support me for a little while.

 

As for parents... that's not going to happen.

I wasn't on the best terms with them when I suddenly moved in with my girlfriend in college. We only lasted a few months, and I knew I would have to start living with my parents again. I felt like I could only really explain why I had moved out if I came out to them, so I did. Everything seemed tense but fine at first, but then my dad just snapped and started yelling at me and threatening me one day. He stopped speaking to me after that, and stole and threw away about half of my belongings whenever I left them unguarded. I used to carry a kitchen knife around in my coat pocket just in case he ever tried to hurt me, and kept a few others stashed around my room. My mother assumed that being neutral meant not doing anything about it, and insisted that she could "see both sides of the issue."

My dad had to be rushed to the hospital one morning. I've never found out why and he made a full recovery, but I got blamed "for all the stress I'd been causing him." I spent most of my time on the internet, so they took my laptop while I was at work one day and left me a ransom note for me. I got the laptop back, but I still have the note. Over a few months, I secretly rented out an empty apartment and gradually snuck my things into it by hiding them in the bottom of the bag that I kept my uniform in. Then one day they dropped me off at work and I just told them not to bother picking me up. My brother's last words to me were a string of profanity. They don't even know what city I live in now.

I get concerned emails from my mom every once in a while, usually on my birthday or Christmas, but I never respond to them and I haven't spoken to them since. It's probably for the best. They were pretty racist and homophobic and generally hateful, so I don't know what I expected to gain by coming out. I guess I just hoped that they would like me more than they hated "those goddamned queers," but I guess not.

 

Man, now I'm all sad. Sorry if I'm bringing everyone down. I don't talk about my relationship with my parents a lot; I feel like it sounds almost comically exaggerated, and that's not even all of it. I hope you guys believe me at least. Putting it all out there on the table like this is probably good for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, that's an incredibly courageous thing to put everything out like that!

 

I'm sorry your family situation is so fucked, but it sounds like your mom wants to make amends.  You can open up to her about what's going on without giving away where you are, maybe she'll even get it in time, and she might be willing to help you.

 

One thing that I did when I was homeless for some time in a city was to sleep at a soup kitchen.  I was able to stay there for free, and even have food sometimes, it's probably the same in most cities.  It's uncomfortable of course, but the only major disadvantage is you'll need to explain what's going on to a friend and have them hold most of your valuables, because you can't have anything on you when you sleep at the kitchen, it'll get stolen.  You might be forced to do this at some point, or if you start collecting benefits you might want to do this to save money.

 

If you don't have insurance, I'd definitely recommend not buying medicine for your depression, for two reasons: 1. from experience (not personal, familial), you'll almost definitely need to do some experimenting until you land on a medicine that works for your specific case, so you won't get immediate relief and you'll have a shittier couple months or even years depending on how expensive the meds are. 2. trying to afford it will hurt your ability to buy good food and get a good night's rest, which are actually probably more important for your health anyways.  But this is just my opinion and I'm no kind of professional.

 

The cheapest, most consistently proven cure help for depression is exercise, it's been very effective for me as bipolar, I just have to stay fit and the effects are minimal.  It might work for you too!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't talk about my relationship with my parents a lot; I feel like it sounds almost comically exaggerated, and that's not even all of it. I hope you guys believe me at least. Putting it all out there on the table like this is probably good for me.

I believe you. I grew up in a culty variant of Christianity and saw so many similarly fucked up situations and families while growing up. Writing about it is good for you, regardless of whether others see it. It took five years of writing stuff I never showed anyone to unfuck what they did to me.

It really seems like you need non-internet allies too; I hope you find them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh jeez, that's terrible.  I didn't know Canadians did that, I thought y'all were polite and apologetic about everything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry your family situation is so fucked, but it sounds like your mom wants to make amends.  You can open up to her about what's going on without giving away where you are, maybe she'll even get it in time, and she might be willing to help you.

 

+1

 

It really seems like you need non-internet allies too; I hope you find them.

 

+1

 

I think really the first step with your mum should just be telling her via email basically what you've told us - how shit it was for you, how her doing nothing was a negative thing and how your life has been affected. Then perhaps put out some ground rules for reconciliation if that's something you or they currently want. Although it's tough, I wouldn't ask for money as it puts them back in a position of power. Having said that, if they/she offers it and you can take it on the understanding that you're still not going to take any more cruel, destructive bullshit from them, then great. This is all assuming that she is looking to make amends/reconciliate, though - you may get back in touch just to get more shit back. But as long as you remind yourself that everything can now be on your terms, and that families who initially have horrible reactions to their child coming out can eventually, over a few years, get to a place of acceptance, support and love, I think it's worth steeling yourself and keeping communications open.

 

(Although I know you have issues with Dan Savage, I think he gives really good coming-out advice, and I'm basically cribbing off him.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hope you manage to work things out for you tegan*!

 

And if it helps you writing about this stuff here, do so without hesitation, no need to apologize or something.

 

*Has your name something to do with the great band Tegan and Sara?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What a depressing read, tegan. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. :(

 

No need to apologize for venting, though! I think it will help you, and potentially act as an eye-opener for others. 

 

I don't know how I would cope if my family did something like that to me. I find it difficult to even imagine the situation. As Nachimir said, I hope you find someone in real life you can share your experiences with soon. And best of luck with the employment insurance or the unemployment welfare or whatever route you decide to pursue. You will get the situation stabilized eventually!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for listening, but I'd really rather not try to reconcile with them. I don't think there's much to be gained by inviting someone who was so emotionally toxic to me back into my life. My whole life, they're been hurting me in unimaginable ways. I don't think they deserve my time.

You can see how frustrating it's been to have to listen to Blue Cross tell me that my depression is work-related and not related to my personal life. Oh, and fortunately I have insurance, so I only spend $5 per prescription. I hope I'm eligible for employment insurance, but I guess I'll find out today.

 

 

*Has your name something to do with the great band Tegan and Sara?

 

It's my name, silly. I've loved that band for ages, though. And as a bonus, they're both Canadian and both gay!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think just about everyone here has used this thread as a ranting wall for things they can't talk freely about anywhere else, and that's exactly what it's for, so don't feel bad for doing it. 

 

I hope it works out for you! It breaks my heart to see family acting like that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, it blows my mind that a family would love an ideological position more than their own daughter. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, Tegan. Onward and upward, eh?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In my experience, it's often more about selfishness than ideology. My girlfriend is from a catholic family in Brazil, and when they learned we're living together unmarried, the reaction wasn't "how can you betray our values?", it was "But what will people say?". The big deal isn't the deviation from the ideology, but rather about their precious societal standing, and how this "scandal" will affect them, nevermind you.

 

Alternatively, there's the more guilt-trippy version of "what did we do wrong?", also a clever way to turn it around about them instead of you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tegan, I keep typing posts to respond to you and then deleting them because they never seem to come out the way I want. I'm just going to ramble and put this out there and hope it makes sense.

 

I've had my own battles with depression after my youngest son was born. Being at the bottom of an emotional well is literally the worst way I can think of going through life. Every day feels like you are just drowning. You hate your situation. You hate others around you who seem to have it better. Worst of all you hate yourself. I know this isn't news to you. People say cliche things like "never give up!" and "keep fighting!" and it feels like complete bullshit. It's so hard to do when all you want is to crawl into a hole and hide.

 

What I can promise you is that it sounds like you are taking the right steps. The struggle against depression is not some glorious crusade. You can't beat it that way. It is a slow and steady march where you put one foot in front of the other. "Today I did a little more than yesterday" is the best way to set goals. Some days even "today I didn't go backwards" is huge. The most important thing to remember is that the peace of mind you seek will always be there for you to find. It's not like there's a time limit that you hit and then it's gone for ever. Take things at your own pace and it will be there waiting for you. Vent to who ever is willing to listen in a supportive manner! Not being happy with the situations you've gone through is the correct way to feel. That proves you're aligned with reality.

 

One day there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you. When you get there, you come to appreciate things that so many people take for granted. Most of all, you learn which people in your life are worth making emotional investments into and which people only seek to drain your emotions. What I've realized is that the people in my life who provide me with healthy emotional support have also had rides on their own emotional roller coasters. I don't trust anyone these days who isn't carrying around some emotional baggage.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's my name, silly. I've loved that band for ages, though. And as a bonus, they're both Canadian and both gay!

He, I didn't even know it was a real name for people who are not fancy musicians. (And I knew about them being gay and Canadian and then your location is Canada as well and you are outspokenly gay and I thought, woah, it's Tegan from Tegan and Sara. I mean, not really, I'm not that crazy. Just a tiny bit.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kind of a very different situation to Tegan.

My father died on Saturday 5th April last. I'm not posting this for sympathy though. I have an important moral life decision to make and for some reason I think you guys might be able to give me some help.

The day before my dad died, I had my last conversation with him, it ended with me agreeing to start working with him in his new company. This was to be the third computer company my dad started up. I had been unsure about joining him in this venture for the previous month or so but the funding had just come through and I had to give him a straight answer.

I had been worried about joining because I thought it possible that the software we would be working on would have military applications. In our last conversation, dad assured me that he had looked into this and it was possible that someone might use it for this purpose, however it was not the intended purpose. This was good enough for me so I agreed.

My father has always been a great role model, kind, gentle, never abusing anyone in the family, always supportive. He never complained and died suddenly leaving my mother without any financial problems. I want to emphasise how great he was - it always takes me a while to accept when people hate their fathers, some of my friends have serious problems with this and I always initially try and suggest reconciliation. This is usually followed up by said friend's litany of patriarchal sins that I am always shocked at, given what I see as my own more or less idyllic family life thanks to such a great dad (and mum).

I have been unemployed for a year working on my own, admittedly self-indulgent, video game and art projects in a kind of half ass way. I now need cash to pay the rent so I had thought that working with dad's new company would be good for me, especially after he alleviated my previously mentioned concerns.

Now here's the rub; after the funeral, at which I confirmed to dad's business associates that I would honour my father's memory and my commitment to him, I went through the available info I could find on the new venture. I found mentions of intended military usages and the fact that the software would quite possibly be a tool in creating missile control programs.

I find myself in a raw emotional state with the prospect of either going back on my word, betraying my father's last request of me that I confirmed to his friends and colleagues on the one hand, and betraying my own most deeply held principles about personal responsibility and non-violence. 

I remember my father telling me multiple stories about choosing not to work on military applications during his career, and find myself in the position of not being able to do the same in future; I plan to start a family with my partner soon enough. It's possible that my father had not discovered the info that I have, that has my head so wrecked right now.

I am not really religious but although I am fascinated with religion, morality and spirituality, this decision is weighing hard on me. Any advice?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel like your dad would have supported your decision to not work on a military thing, if he's as understanding as you say. I know my dad would, and he works on an air force base. Granted, I've never been in a situation even close to that, so what do I know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm with Twig; given your father's previous history of refusing to work on military tech and having to raise a family himself, it sounds like he would understand. Obviously I'm not in a position to really have an opinion on family matters, but it seems like this is a decision where he would be proud whether you go one way or the other. I would ordinarily advise on personal principle that it sounds like the best thing for you would be to respectfully bow out of the military project, but money is tight for everyone. There's no shame in providing for yourself and your loved ones.

 

 

 

He, I didn't even know it was a real name for people who are not fancy musicians. (And I knew about them being gay and Canadian and then your location is Canada as well and you are outspokenly gay and I thought, woah, it's Tegan from Tegan and Sara. I mean, not really, I'm not that crazy. Just a tiny bit.)

 

I am happy to have been mistaken for Ms. Quin. She's super cool and she and her girlfriend are so cute together!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good to hear you had such a great relationship with your dad. I would go towards following your principles in this one, knowing that your father would have supported you making a stand against military applications. It's hard to say for sure. Perhaps you should first work out your emotions and then make a clear-headed decision at a later point. The conflict in your head could resolve itself with time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah. I'm sure your father would want you to hold on to your principles and choose for yourself. Of course, I can only base that on how I think my father would think, how I think I would think if I was a father, and how things work in dramas.

 

Obviously I don't actually know anything about this, but to me it seems that your father asking you to work with him had more to do with supporting you (and maybe spending more time with you, or something) than ensuring that you continue his legacy after he is gone.

 

Shame to hear about your dad. Strength!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Twig, tegan, Rodi and Nappi!

I had a chat with my mother about it, initially she wanted me to go ahead but after a bit more talk I understood that she simply wanted the best for me, and she accepted my issues. I've decided to respectfully bow out. Seems like it wasn't as big a deal as I thought, my dad would understand, you guys are right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My life is once again being consumed by essays and, eventually, revision. I do not enjoy University work, I've discovered. If everything else about it wasn't such fun I'd just quit.

 

Oh, and in case any of you are interested, here's a thing I wrote about Human Cooperation (and why we do it). https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/45811403/Human_Cooperation_draft_5.pdf

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bummer about your Dad, baconian. I'm glad you seem to have resolved this, as I have no idea what I'd do in the same situation.

 

As for my own news, I'm now finished seven years of University. Got my evaluation from my partner teacher, no worries about passing. All I have to do is wait for the processing at the University to be done and I am a teacher. Now I get to worry about finding a teaching job in a province that just cut millions of dollars from Education despite a rapidly increasing population. Joy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@baconian

As a software developer I've contributed to misery in the world, and some of the software I've written probably also was used for misery by military or other non-nice organizations.

Pretty much every software can be used for evil. A lot of the great stuff we use was funded by the military for military usage: GPS, internet, etc.

Also a lot of great stuff was eventually used for military purposes, games engines like UnrealEngine and Crytek for example are used for training and simulation.

If you develop software for any airplane manufacturer you can be sure it will be used for the military.

Depending on the kind of software you develop, it's rather unavoidable.

It all comes down on how strong your convictions are. You word to your dad and his friends doesn't mean a lot given the fact that new facts came to surface. Your word was based on different circumstances. Legally a word doesn't mean a lot, a contract you can back out of if conditions changed (which apparently did).

Have you talked to your potential business partners about this? It doesn't have to be a binary position.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Urgh, I'm so sorry that I just keep turning this into the "tegan's moral quandaries" thread, but this happened:
 
 
So I guess my mom had set up a Canada Savings Bond in my name when I was a kid and just got the return on it. She wants to give it to me; but again, she doesn't know where I live or any way to reach me besides email.
 

I wish you would contact me because I care about you and love you and would like you and I to try to resolve our differences.  I don’t know if you get my email’s or not but I wish you would just talk to me.
Love you,
Mom

 
It sounds like she wants to make up, but I've fallen for that before. Last time she attempted to "resolve our differences" it included trying to get me into ex-gay therapy and letting my dad walk away with my belongings. I think I could potentially be putting myself in danger if I accept, but... I really need that money. It would be a fairly substantial amount by my standards... Enough to pay off my debts, maybe even buy a real bed instead of sleeping on a mattress covered with rags. I just don't know.

 

Also, I'm going to come out to my friend tonight. If he accepts me, I trust that he'll have good advice and keep me safe.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×