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Yeah, I would tell her. If I were in her position, I'd absolutely want my friend to tell me that a colleague is being disparaging about me behind my back. Not being aware of that could lead to a lot more misery than finding out that one person at her department is a dick. Or she may already know and be itching for a good bitching session. I'm rather surprised the majority of people you asked went in the other direction, actually.

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Agreed. What about if later, she found out you knew - would she be likely to resent you for not telling her?

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I don't see any particular reason to tell her explicitly that he badmouthed her, but I have no idea how it'd turn out. I imagine it'd be worth bringing up your encounter, and at least mentioning your first impression of his character, but unless she's somehow duped by some secret sociopathic charms of his, it doesn't really make much sense to tell her her coworker thinks she's a low-class PoS or whatever.

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Tell her you met him and he was a bit of a jerk. Let her direct any further conversation about him.

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It's arguable that I'm doing this whichever choice I make. I've asked a bunch of people so far, and the majority advice is coming out as "Don't tell her, it might make things worse".

Then most people you've asked are not very good friends. It's a normal natural instinct it to tell her, but you're trying to rationalize not telling her. Why? Be honest with yourself. Seriously. Why? Are you really trying to "protect" her? (If so, who placed you in a position to know what's best for her?) Or, as a lot of people do, are you just trying to avoid stress in your own life?

You don't have to heartless about this. Be as gentle and humane as possible, but she deserves to know. You can ease into the topic, gauge her reaction, and tell a calm version of events from your perspective -- but she still deserves to know what someone is saying about her behind her back.

I personally wouldn't consider you a friend if you'd withheld something like this from me, and if the roles were reversed, I think you'd agree that knowing is better than not knowing. Even if it means a bad patch in the short-term.

This is a no brainer. Seriously.

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You did an incredible amount of judging people you don't know in that post, Thunder.

Then most people you've asked are not very good friends.

Can you see why you come across as a little abrasive when you say things like this? Those people I've asked are intensely good people, with whom I've spent a lot of time and in whom I have a lot of trust. I'd suggest holding your tongue after making assumptions about them, and I think you're actually striking at a very big difference in personalities here: Some people would rather know, some people would rather not. You're in the former camp; not everyone is. In the case of my friend, I'm unsure, so I'm going to broach it exactly as I suggested before, and pretty much as subbes say: Just tell her I met him, ask if he's always a dick, and see where it goes. It's entirely possible that the best thing for her is to not know, even if you think that wouldn't be the best thing for you.

This is not about you. Or me. It is about what's best for her, which you don't know, and I don't know. That makes it non-trivial, and far from a no-brainer. I see what you're saying, but those suggesting not to tell her have good points too. Such as: "I don't see what she gains from knowing someone was disparaging behind her back". Quite possibly just discomfort at work and no actual advantage.

If you come back to this with another counterpoint, I promise I will just ignore you, because I can see where this is going and do not want to get into another incredibly tiring Argument On The Internet. As if this situation weren't exasperating enough for me, you seem to feel a need to add contention from another side.

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So hey, what's everyone doing to celebrate the end of the world tomorrow?

I ate a lot of Chinese food for lunch today at the office Xmas party, bought a cheap Windows 7 laptop, and am now waiting for SQL Server to install.

It's all go here, I tell you.

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Tomorrow I am going to an End of the World show hosted by Brian Cox, Robin Ince and a bunch of others :)

Tonight, I went to see Les Misérables for the first time. HOLY SHIT. That was so good. So emotional. Loved loved loved it.

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I can't believe there's so much attention being given to the Maya's and their bloody calendar, either way. It's such a complete non-topic, of obviously no consequence at all. Just like any doomsday theory based on no actual catastrophic event but 'spooky literary/historical coincidence'.

My primary emotion after this will be: exasperation as soon as I hear the next date a bunch of cuckoos predict the world will end, having learned exactly nothing from the last bazillion prophecies.

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You did an incredible amount of judging people you don't know in that post, Thunder.

Can you see why you come across as a little abrasive when you say things like this? Those people I've asked are intensely good people, with whom I've spent a lot of time and in whom I have a lot of trust. I'd suggest holding your tongue after making assumptions about them, and I think you're actually striking at a very big difference in personalities here: Some people would rather know, some people would rather not. You're in the former camp; not everyone is. In the case of my friend, I'm unsure, so I'm going to broach it exactly as I suggested before, and pretty much as subbes say: Just tell her I met him, ask if he's always a dick, and see where it goes. It's entirely possible that the best thing for her is to not know, even if you think that wouldn't be the best thing for you.

This is not about you. Or me. It is about what's best for her, which you don't know, and I don't know. That makes it non-trivial, and far from a no-brainer. I see what you're saying, but those suggesting not to tell her have good points too. Such as: "I don't see what she gains from knowing someone was disparaging behind her back". Quite possibly just discomfort at work and no actual advantage.

If you come back to this with another counterpoint, I promise I will just ignore you, because I can see where this is going and do not want to get into another incredibly tiring Argument On The Internet. As if this situation weren't exasperating enough for me, you seem to feel a need to add contention from another side.

I'm sorry if I sounded flippant, but clearly I didn't do a good job of explaining myself. If I recall correctly, and I'm on my phone, so forgive me for not checking, but you started this discussion suggesting you might not say anything AT ALL.

When people, like myself, advised that you broach the subject with her, however tactfully, you remained tepid, going so far as to announce that most people you'd asked advised the complete opposite.

I'm presuming you wouldn't ask our advice without providing all the pertinent information, so assuming there are no unusual circumstances, like your friend suffering from acute anxiety, or something like that, then this boils down to doing the Right Thing.

The right thing is making sure that your friend is not being taken advantage of. The right thing is ensuring she's not putting her trust in those who are untrustworthy. The right thing is making sure that she's aware that this idiot is the type of person who's capable of bad-mouthing her every time she leaves the room.

What possible GOOD could come out of doing otherwise?

This isn't some acquaintance, this is someone she spends eight hours a day with, and for all you know, talks about her behind her back at every opportunity - in her workplace! To her colleagues. To her superiors. To people she's just met, like clients. They certainly didn't hesitate to bad mouth her to people she knows!

If withholding this information didn't put your friend in a vulnerable position, like if it was someone they weren't going to see again, then I could totally understand what you're saying. But it's not. It's someone she WORKS with.

I'm sorry if what I said upset you, but think about the worst possible thing that could happen from you withholding this information. Then think about the worst possible thing that could happen from telling her. Are they really as bad as each other, or is one worse than the other?

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subbes, I'm going to party like it's 1666. Or not, I'm kinda tired.

I'm also just surprised this is a thing at all.

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My primary emotion after this will be: exasperation as soon as I hear the next date a bunch of cuckoos predict the world will end, having learned exactly nothing from the last bazillion prophecies.

Yeah, but THIS time they might be right!

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I had planned to be drunk in case there is a(are) god(s), and that plan went swimmingly until I ran out of scotch about five after midnight, noted I was still alive and went back to drinking and being bad at video games.

Crisis averted, oh no.

(I am genuinely, frothingly enraged that there are enough fucking imbeciles covering the face of this planet who do not realize that the Mayans happened to vanish over the course of a couple years [the why is not important but probably disease], therefore causing them to stop making calendars, shockingly enough. Also that because of the way their calendar works that they don't need to make a new one for fucking centuries. God I fucking hate people. Garcon, more scotch.)

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Also: if any of you are near London, you should go see Les Mis. The cast were simply brilliant. Jean Valjean was such a wonderful singer; and Fantine had me in tears. SO GOOD YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY. It's worth the money. Treat yourself, it's Christmas.

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I am celebrating the end of the world with: Accounting now, booze later. Might have these in the wrong order.

Accounting, then booze, followed by a phone call to a certain friend at a certain company, boozed up, screaming down the phone in an alcoholic sugar rush that one of her colleagues is a complete dick.

Maybe. :eyebrow:

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Accounting, then booze, followed by a phone call to a certain friend at a certain company, boozed up, screaming down the phone in an alcoholic sugar rush that one of her colleagues is a complete dick.

Best :tup:

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As a SubGenius, I'm still waiting for the end of the world to come on July 5, 1998.

I enjoy the notion of waiting for a day that has already passed. Reminds me of that theory (heresy?) that since Jesus promised he would be back within the lifetimes of peeps alive when he psych-died, the entire 2000 years of history since must be an illusion perpetrated by the Devil to help us lose our faith.

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Dilemma time:

I don't have any advice on how you should deal with the situation vis-à-vis your friend, but after a meeting like that, I would issue a complaint professionally to the company he represents, and tell my organization about the entire exchange as a matter of course.

His employers should know how he's representing them.

edit: Obviously, I don't know the whole situation, so my instinct may be way off. :)

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Wow, that would be a massive move to take: actually trying to get him fired or in trouble professionally. That may be shooting off the mark a little, since the main concern is, if I'm not mistaken, protecting a friend from a possible jerk. Of course, if the best and surest way to do that is exposing him to his bosses, then that's a valid, if overly bombastic, move.

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Thunderpeel and I just spoke for a while, then apologised to each other. He is a lovely man on the phone. We undersand each other a lot better now, and specifically, I understand why he expected me to interpret his remark as wry, and he understands why I could interpret it so seriously. All is well; Merry Christmas everyone :)

I don't have any advice on how you should deal with the situation vis-à-vis your friend, but after a meeting like that, I would issue a complaint professionally to the company he represents, and tell my organization about the entire exchange as a matter of course.

His employers should know how he's representing them.

Ah, I totally would if he'd been representing them, but he was representing himself to become a member of a non-profit I help to run. It'd be petty of me to block his membership, and he wouldn't be the first difficult member we've had, but I'm definitely going to keep an eye on him to see if he makes problems for anyone else.

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Wow, that would be a massive move to take: actually trying to get him fired or in trouble professionally. That may be shooting off the mark a little, since the main concern is, if I'm not mistaken, protecting a friend from a possible jerk. Of course, if the best and surest way to do that is exposing him to his bosses, then that's a valid, if overly bombastic, move.

If one of my employees acted like an abrasive jerk to someone while working for me (including undermining one of his fellow employees at the same time), I'd want to know. That's where I'm coming from on that point; it has nothing to do with trying to get someone in trouble. But...

Ah, I totally would if he'd been representing them, but he was representing himself to become a member of a non-profit I help to run. It'd be petty of me to block his membership, and he wouldn't be the first difficult member we've had, but I'm definitely going to keep an eye on him to see if he makes problems for anyone else.

I see, that's a very different case. Well, good luck! :)

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