Jump to content
gdf

Life

Recommended Posts

I'm also at the relationship crossroads.

I could leave if I want, things are so rocky, or I could suck it up, stay, and start the long process of rebuilding. Do I really want the freedom I so often daydreamed of, or was that an illusion? Le sigh.

Better to not think about it and go take out my frustrations by being an asshole on GAF.

Well, if it's any help, here's what I learned:

If you're questioning whether you should be in a relationship, you probably shouldn't be in it.

No idea if that applies to you, though... *shrugs*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's the worst advice ever. But I agree! Thunderpeel I'm sorry to hear that happened to you, but I think you will enjoy the freedom after a while. 'Specially if you start exercising and working out and doing all that healthy diet bollocks, 'cos then you can feel good about yourself and enter the dating world with a newfound confidence blah blah blah. So I recommend exercise! It is the remedy to everything. And some good friends and some dancing is also a remedy for everything.

Kroms you win.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thunderpeel do what women do, LOSE WEIGHT IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

Weight loss is the best anti-depressant!

Badideabears.jpg

Yayyy!! Significant weight loss makes me feel better about myself and improves the level of attractiveness of the men who hit on me! Hurraayyy!!! My life is better when I am thin! :) :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thunderpeel do what women do, LOSE WEIGHT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

I thought that was get restraining orders against me...:mock:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thunderpeel do what women do, LOSE WEIGHT IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

Weight loss is the best anti-depressant!

A giant tub of ice cream is an equally wonderful anti-depressant. I'm conflicted.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought the idea was to post angry and hateful comments on articles and YouTube videos. Of course, that's what you should be doing at all other times, too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A giant tub of ice cream is an equally wonderful anti-depressant. I'm conflicted.

It's a short-term/long-term difference ;)

Question: Why does it always seem to be the cutest girls who have the most fucked up issues?

I ended things with that girl. In the end she had a deep seated reason as to why she'd been mistreating me so badly, which took the edge off my anger, but I don't particularly want to be involved with her now.

I seem to have become deeply pragmatic about broken hearts. The foot or so of academic and pop-academic paper on my bookshelf about motivation/emotion/romantic love* has actually helped me a lot over the years in gaining awareness of how all of these feelings work, and how to work through them rather than staying limerent.

*No, it's not John Gray or any other kind of self-help. Avoid that stuff like plague, it's just a bunch of secular hippie faiths ¬¬

Also, I entered a half marathon and am feeling super-motivated to go running, do weights and eat a better diet right now. I'm successfully putting on mass for the first time ever, and did a horrible 4 mile route of hill climbs last night, that I've done before, but shaved off 17 seconds per mile. I think after the half marathon, I'm going to start training for a full one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Question: Why does it always seem to be the cutest girls who have the most fucked up issues?

I ended things with that girl. In the end she had a deep seated reason as to why she'd been mistreating me so badly, which took the edge off my anger, but I don't particularly want to be involved with her now.

This reminds me of...not my last girlfriend, the one before that. We were walking sometime in the afternoon, just silly conversation. She mentions that she lived in Malaysia for six years. I ask her why, and she says, in a completely offhand way, "Oh, I was there when I was kidnapped." It was probably the most wtf moment of my life, but explained all these issues she had.

She'd been kidnapped by her dad, and her new stepdad wasn't much better, beating her and all (I could never do anything about it, since I didn't know where she lived...she was 19 at the time). In the end she up and left Canada without telling anyone, not even me, and I honestly spent a whole month or so thinking she'd died. I later got an email from her telling me she'd left her family and was living with her grandma in Lebanon.

But I hate the guilt. "She's my girlfriend, she's got issues...Shouldn't I be actively trying to help her?" And I did try, but, well, circumstances didn't help. I guess this story had an open ending.

Also, I entered a half marathon and am feeling super-motivated to go running, do weights and eat a better diet right now. I'm successfully putting on mass for the first time ever, and did a horrible 4 mile route of hill climbs last night, that I've done before, but shaved off 17 seconds per mile. I think after the half marathon, I'm going to start training for a full one.

Go for it!

Kroms you win

Merci, mademoiselle.

Actually, Thunderpeel, her advice works. Exercise helps a lot, especially because you're too damn exhausted at the end to think about much when you go to sleep. I'm not thin again yet, but what I've been doing is taking small satisfaction everyday, so I started out by running 2Kms, and increasing that distance by 100 meters a day (I take Fridays off). I'm now up to 5.8kms :) Any hurt I feel about the downturn my life's taken is gone away, I gain a bit of satisfaction from pushing myself and I spend the rest of my energy re-building it. It really works.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think exercise is necessarily the only way to go, I hated running for a long time and found the gym to be snoozeville, any activity that you can enjoy is good, ideally with a (personal)balance between ones you can do alone and ones you can do with people, after a break up i got really into mountain boarding and powerkiting, dancing is always fun (classes or clubs) but anything should do, basically any distraction you find fun that gets demands a little more from the cardio system should work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thunderpeel do what women do, LOSE WEIGHT IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

Weight loss is the best anti-depressant!

Yayyy!! Significant weight loss makes me feel better about myself and improves the level of attractiveness of the men who hit on me! Hurraayyy!!! My life is better when I am thin! :) :)

Are you trying to say I'm fat!?! :(

(How's that for being like a woman? :grin:)

Actually I have been losing weight and, while it does make me feel a little bit better about myself, I'm still not feeling great. I can't bring myself to do any exercise, either (just been eating healthier) -- which I know I MUST do at some point and would probably make me feel better. I just don't seem to have whatever gene it is that makes you do recreational exercise :(

Nachimir: Interesting stuff! I don't feel too limerent right now, I'm just feeling the loss of someone I was extremely close to and who was a big part of my life (she can't handle any contact with me). Plus this sudden change in my lifestyle and not being very good at doing things that are good for me (like exercise and staying in touch with friends) is making me feel depressed. It's interesting to learn more about such feelings, though -- any recommendations?

Guess it's all "swings and roundabouts"... or something equally glib. Next month I'll probably be bragging about how happy I am... and everyone else here (who's currently happy) will be miserable! (:getmecoat)

Kroms: That's horrendous! There's some horrible stories in this world... But also; being left to think she'd died :eek: I can't imagine.

I should probably add: "seriously" to my original glib suggestion. As in, "if you're seriously questioning your relationship". Or something.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All you bastards talking about exercise. I've had sciatica for six weeks now and can barely walk. So... Do some exercise while you can! :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
any recommendations?

Kroms: That's horrendous! There's some horrible stories in this world... But also; being left to think she'd died :eek: I can't imagine.

To be honest, get yourself busy and let that void heal-up. Learn that love is 80% brainwork, 20% heart.

And that was my fault. No-one had heard anything about her, and calling her house yielded a death threat from her stepdad ("If you ever call this house again I'll come over and slit your fucking throat you fucking -- " "Yeah, I'm actually recording this conversation" *my roommate bursts out laughing* "Oh shit -- " *hangs up*), so I just started jumping to conclusions till I got that email.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nachimir: Interesting stuff! I don't feel too limerent right now, I'm just feeling the loss of someone I was extremely close to and who was a big part of my life (she can't handle any contact with me). Plus this sudden change in my lifestyle and not being very good at doing things that are good for me (like exercise and staying in touch with friends) is making me feel depressed. It's interesting to learn more about such feelings, though -- any recommendations?

Hmm. Difficult, as it's all fused into a giant blob for me. Also, some of the writers I've read have massive axes to grind or publishers to placate.

The most lucid might be John Bowlby on attachment theory and the process of grieving. He studied it in toddlers separated from their parents, and widows too, and found a similar emotional pattern in both groups: Initial agitation and disbelief following the separation/bereavement, and a subsequent settling into acceptance. The two states tend to run in diminishing cycles, and seem to be a response we have to any kind of loss (small losses = smaller grief, shorter timespans).

The way I see it is that our unconscious holds values for things, that profoundly affect both our motivations and our expectations. These have to be robust to keep personalities, relationships and social groups stable, so we can't just get rid of them on a whim; they're simply not very consciously accessible.

Sometimes though, the world alters around us and the values have inertia. Whether it's a broken heart, a bereavement, the end of a relationship or friendship, the loss of a treasured possession, a lost job, or a really good but missed opportunity*, we have to grieve for it in order to let go and reconcile ourselves to the new state of things.

* I'm by no means saying these things are equivalent to each other, of course.

Reality can change fast, and it can take a while for the unconscious to catch up*. While it's doing that, we have all kinds of tiny motives that are still primed for the way things were.

*In the case of someone who stays limerent for the rest of their life, it possibly never does. 1st rule if I'm in love with someone and they're not interested: find a way to destroy all hope I have that's related to them, especially as being totally in love with someone has a habit of creating hope from the most slender of positive signals. Destroying hope like this has once even included getting a girl to look me in the eye and tell me she didn't love me, and would never want to be in a relationship with me. Hurt us both, but we're still friends.

I'm not sure how much that might help you, as over the years I've mashed attachment theory together with a lot more on motivation theories, dimensional models of emotion, the biology and cultural history of romantic love, etc., but having a framework to understand whatever's going on internally whenever something has made me unhappy has helped enormously in the past decade or so. Grieving was probably the most important corollary to motivation theory I found, and understanding it probably the biggest help in getting over people in particular.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm no help to anyone on this stuff, but it's getting fascinating now, what with the grieving theory and all. Do you think maybe you could post some choice quotes, Nachimir?

Almost two years ago ago I was dumped by my long time girlfriend and it was pretty devastating, I didn't want to eat, couldn't sleep, and called in sick to work way too many times and just sulked all day. I just felt this weird panicked sickness day in and day out. I had to throw away everything she left at the apartment (formerly "ours" now "mine"), but it only helped a little bit. I then started dating a new girlfriend whom I realized I didn't really like (purposefully ignoring red flags) to fill in the void, which was selfish and horrible of me at the time. I came to my senses and had to let her go, but I don't think it was *too* much of a big deal... I hope. I still feel guilty about that.

Anyway, I never really fixed the void or properly went through the grieving process, because four months later (that seemed ridiculously long) we got back together and are still fairly happy to this day. There's definitely still some kinks, but eh, it's mostly leftover stuff because she dumped me for taking her for granted way too long in the first place.

I would say in many cases people should probably do what they can to make their relationships work, actively as both partners and not ignoring the needs of the other for one's own selfish gain and happiness with the regular healthy dose of communication and compromise, but then I also know so many people stuck in bad relationships constantly trying to compromise and keep themselves in their partner's self-centered life, so I would think those people need to use their doubt for the strength to end it. It depends, I guess.

That was no fun to write and awkward to boot...

Edited by syntheticgerbil

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
All you bastards talking about exercise. I've had sciatica for six weeks now and can barely walk. So... Do some exercise while you can! :D

Aw crap! :( Hope it gets better soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not sure how much that might help you, as over the years I've mashed attachment theory together with a lot more on motivation theories, dimensional models of emotion, the biology and cultural history of romantic love, etc., but having a framework to understand whatever's going on internally whenever something has made me unhappy has helped enormously in the past decade or so. Grieving was probably the most important corollary to motivation theory I found, and understanding it probably the biggest help in getting over people in particular.

Thanks, that's all pretty interesting stuff. I know the "stages of bereavement": "denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance" and they seem to hold true from what I've experienced and seen in others.

I also read a bit about how our brains let us grieve in stages: We get a pang and it makes us feel sad, then we feel ok for a while -- so our subconscious goes "you're ready for the next piece" and gives us another pang. Kind of feeding us the grief in bite-sized chunks... That also seems mirror my own personal experience.

That was no fun to write and awkward to boot...

It's the "awkward, bare you soul thread"!

Relationships are work, for sure, but I think in a good relationship it feels worth it. I also think that many people stay in relationships just because they're comfortable and familiar, which is understandable but sad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm no help to anyone on this stuff, but it's getting fascinating now, what with the grieving theory and all. Do you think maybe you could post some choice quotes, Nachimir?

Ah, I'm afraid Bowlby was one of the authors I got from libraries, so don't have it to hand, sorry. His series of books "Attachment and Loss" is fairly accessible IIRC.

Anyway, I never really fixed the void or properly wen through the grieving process, and then four months (that seemed ridiculously long) after the split we got back together anyway and we are still fairly happy to this day. There's still some kinks leftover, but eh, it's mostly leftover stuff because she dumped me for taking her for granted way too long in the first place.

One other thing I'm pretty sure of is that the process of grieving can be halted and reversed before it's complete. With broken hearts in particular, I often feel a moment where hope ends; where I think "She's actually not interested", "this isn't going anywhere" or the like, and feel it resound much deeply than some throwaway conscious thought (<-- i.e. most of them are only designed for a particular moment, few of them go deep enough to affect your motives over time except by accretion).

The girl I mentioned above put me there twice (without wanting to - Jesus that was the most complex romantic situation I've ever been in, and there weren't even any extra people involved) then came back to me each time, the second time a week had passed with me thinking it was over and getting on with stuff. I think even if you're feeling okay, it can take quite a lot of time and distance with someone you've loved before there's no chance of things sparking again.

Thunderpeel, yes, I'd agree with your assessment of bite sized chunks too. Consciously chasing grief through understanding can speed it up and make it more bearable I think, but it still seems to be a regulated process.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Relationships are work, for sure, but I think in a good relationship it feels worth it. I also think that many people stay in relationships just because they're comfortable and familiar, which is understandable but sad.

Yeah, definitely. It's so tough to gauge all of that though. I have a hard time distinguishing how worth staying with someone is sometimes (even with just friends or best friends) because I can't tell how truthful my feelings are when I'm angry and telling myself how much I despise the person compared to when I feel grateful the person is around. Because of this, I've been somewhat a master my whole life so far of saying things I don't mean.

But I'm very familiar with the comfortable and familiar relationship... I don't think my parents have slept in the same bed for a decade or so.

I think even if you're feeling okay, it can take quite a lot of time and distance with someone you've loved before there's no chance of things sparking again.

I keep reading in many articles or hear people say it takes half of the time you were actually with the person to get over them, but that also seems like untested quack science. I imagine if you are with someone for 30 years, you'll never get over them or forget them or that if you were with someone for a couple of months you could get rid of them and not really care.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All of this advice sounds kindof false, or true with caveats and under certain circumstances, negotiable under others. I feel like I can't offer any really pertinent advice here because I've been in an awesome, utterly drama-less relationship for years now. I just want to pitch in that those are indeed possible! :eek::eek::eek::yep:

Compatibility of personality is very important. It is also important not to project traits that are just not there or misinterpret one trait for another. Then come aligned long-term goals. If that is met, everything else boils down to good communication and conflict resolution skills and agreed-upon procedures for resolving conflicts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I WENT TO THE GYM!!!!

I know that's a pretty pathetic thing to be proud of, but dammit... it's a big thing for me! I even managed to enjoy it, too!

Oh how amazing to feel slightly more like a real grown-up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I DID A SHIT!!!!

I know that's a pretty pathetic thing to be proud of, but dammit... it's a big thing for me! I even managed to enjoy it, too!

:fart:

[Don't mean to bring you down, Peelio, just been horribly constipated for the last week and a bit, worse than usual even]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×