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Please find below the correct opinions on all five Jurassic Park movies:


Jurassic Park - stone-cold classic

Jurassic Park 2 - a few cool moments but mainly misjudged and messy.

Jurassic Park 3 - if you accept that it's a much cheesier affair, this is actually very fun. Some great sequences and likeable characters. 

Jurassic World - frustratingly dull and clumsy, from the direction through the script and score even down to the shitty new Amblin ident.


Jurassic World 2 - [just saw this today so this is a bit lengthier] Not half as amateurish as the first JW, and it even has one legit great extended sequence (


starting with meeting Blue all the way through the volcano exploding and then the escape from the island

), but once that is over, it moves to a big mansion for the rest of the movie and goes through all the same tired old beats over and over -


meddling scientists, greedy suits who get their gruesome comeuppance, some associate of Hammond popping out of the woodwork (the one in this film is so similar to Hammond that I was pretty sure he was going to turn out to be a clone), getting saved from one dinosaur when it gets attacked by another, and just endlessly getting chased around small rooms getting snapped at through handy clutter by raptor-type dinos

. The very ending was pretty sweet, though, even if it was pure sequel set-up.



And now, because I can never hear the main theme without these stupid lyrics now, I will ruin it for all of you also:



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I also watched the latest movie, which is Jurassic World 2, and I had to REALLY switch off my brain to enjoy it, because it is a dumb movie.

I didn't really have the energy to complain about it, because nobody's that interested. It'd be like giving an in-depth review of why tree-bark makes for a bad lunch: We instinctively already know it's bad, so why bother?


The premise of Act 1, though, I just rejected from the word go: They gotta save the dinosaurs from a volcano. Dino Green-Peace (I would say Dino-WWF, but I know what you'd think) really just raised the question for me: What does an animal conservationist charity like this look like in a world where you can clone dinosaurs?

In this fiction, we can CLONE more giant pandas. They could spend the dinosaur money on more snow leopards or white rhinos. For the ivory, if nothing else!!

Secondly: This year, I found out that California did a smashing job stopping forest-fires for 30 years, and then a massive one roared up out of nowhere because there were 30 years of dead leaves on the ground in one place. It really reminds me of what the good guys were warning about so much in the original Jurassic Park. You couldn't get further away from this theme in Jurassic World 2, where the PROTAGONISTS are circumventing nature to rescue all the dinos, and not one of them stops to think about whether or not they should.

It's a volcano, they're on an island, this'll be the first natural thing that happens to these dinosaurs since birth.


I found every other major beat in the movie to be a total head-scratcher as well, but hey I'll spare us all the time.

This movie is Billy and the Cloneasaurus.



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