tegan

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Posts posted by tegan

  1. Posted

    I think that a person's background is definitely going to have an influence on how they perceive a piece of media. And there's an unfortunate tendency where, if someone's background causes them to appreciate a certain work more or less than they otherwise might, they often get dismissed as "pushing an agenda." Just look at how things turned out to recommend a game where you play as a lesbian a while back, and that's on a site that's already pretty left-wing as far as gaming journalism goes.

     

    ...Good response by the way, Chris.

     

     

    On an unrelated note, I highly second the earlier recommendation of Nier. That game is fantastic.

     

    *fist bump*

     

    and the music in that game oh my goodness

     

  2. Posted

    Thanks for listening, but I'd really rather not try to reconcile with them. I don't think there's much to be gained by inviting someone who was so emotionally toxic to me back into my life. My whole life, they're been hurting me in unimaginable ways. I don't think they deserve my time.

    You can see how frustrating it's been to have to listen to Blue Cross tell me that my depression is work-related and not related to my personal life. Oh, and fortunately I have insurance, so I only spend $5 per prescription. I hope I'm eligible for employment insurance, but I guess I'll find out today.

     

     

    *Has your name something to do with the great band Tegan and Sara?

     

    It's my name, silly. I've loved that band for ages, though. And as a bonus, they're both Canadian and both gay!

  3. Posted

    woo, solidarity! OuO

     

    I'm going to go to the Service New Brunswick office tomorrow to apply for employment insurance. I've had to do it before. Hopefully that can support me for a little while.

     

    As for parents... that's not going to happen.

    I wasn't on the best terms with them when I suddenly moved in with my girlfriend in college. We only lasted a few months, and I knew I would have to start living with my parents again. I felt like I could only really explain why I had moved out if I came out to them, so I did. Everything seemed tense but fine at first, but then my dad just snapped and started yelling at me and threatening me one day. He stopped speaking to me after that, and stole and threw away about half of my belongings whenever I left them unguarded. I used to carry a kitchen knife around in my coat pocket just in case he ever tried to hurt me, and kept a few others stashed around my room. My mother assumed that being neutral meant not doing anything about it, and insisted that she could "see both sides of the issue."

    My dad had to be rushed to the hospital one morning. I've never found out why and he made a full recovery, but I got blamed "for all the stress I'd been causing him." I spent most of my time on the internet, so they took my laptop while I was at work one day and left me a ransom note for me. I got the laptop back, but I still have the note. Over a few months, I secretly rented out an empty apartment and gradually snuck my things into it by hiding them in the bottom of the bag that I kept my uniform in. Then one day they dropped me off at work and I just told them not to bother picking me up. My brother's last words to me were a string of profanity. They don't even know what city I live in now.

    I get concerned emails from my mom every once in a while, usually on my birthday or Christmas, but I never respond to them and I haven't spoken to them since. It's probably for the best. They were pretty racist and homophobic and generally hateful, so I don't know what I expected to gain by coming out. I guess I just hoped that they would like me more than they hated "those goddamned queers," but I guess not.

     

    Man, now I'm all sad. Sorry if I'm bringing everyone down. I don't talk about my relationship with my parents a lot; I feel like it sounds almost comically exaggerated, and that's not even all of it. I hope you guys believe me at least. Putting it all out there on the table like this is probably good for me.

  7. Posted

    If the representation is so trivial anyway, then why is it such an issue that someone would want it to be different? I really feel like at least having a gender or race option should be standard in any game where being male isn't part of the explicit premise. I know there's the issue of character models and voice recordings, but throw me a bone here.

     

    Incidentally, I remember playing Muramasa for the first time on the Wii. I played through Momohime's path first, because hey, ninja lady. I hadn't realized going into the game that her whole thing was that she was possessed the ghost of a male swordsman, and wasn't in direct control of her actions for 99% of the game. In the epilogue, she hates herself for everything she's been through and becomes a nun to try to atone for all of the horrible murders that she is in no way responsible for. At first I was horrified, and then I went, "wait no, I'm a woman in late seventeenth-century Japan. Of course I'm going to be filled with self-loathing and unhappiness." I went from disliking that my character got such a lousy ending based on her gender all the way back around to actually being kind of impressed.

     

     

    Also, Twig, every game where your character is a straight white dude is emulating the straight white dude experience by not having other characters occasionally sling epithets at you.

     

    unless you're on xbox live

  8. Posted

    woop, I forgot to do my writeup

     

    Thirteenth Colossus (Phalanx) thoughts:

    I feel bad about killing Phalanx the same way I feel bad about killing Avion. Phalanx is the only colossus that does absolutely nothing to harm you. Literally the only way to hurt yourself is to fall off of it. And it's just so majestic to see, peacefully gliding around its home. Poor Phalanx.

    It seems appropriate that I found it nearly impossible to kill this time around. I had so much trouble with this one. Lots of missing the jump onto its flipper wing dealie, lots of sucking at climbing, lots of falling off, or Phalanx diving at inappropriate times, or closing its flap thingies just as I'm about to stab it. Worst.

    Next time: most environmentally-interesting colossus!

  9. Posted

    I know, I thought about it, re-read it, and changed it. I'm sorry. My point still stands though. I think that "superficial" traits like race, gender, and sexuality should matter in media for as long as they matter in real life.

     

    And just as an example of what I mean, that conversation with a localization guy that I mentioned on the last page? Both of the girls in question could be dated by the protagonist, which gave bonuses to everyone involved.* Both myself and the localization guy felt pretty scummy playing as a straight guy breaking up a (perceived) lesbian couple and being rewarded for it.

     

     

     

    *man I am not doing a good job of hiding what game I'm talking about

  10. Posted

    This is tangentially related, but a while back everybody got excited about that guy who modded Donkey Kong so his daughter could play as Pauline, and it spawned a little wave of discussion about doing similar swaps in other games. That's cool and all, but on some level it also kind of bothers me because the implication is that people don't want to play a game where the protagonist doesn't look like themselves. Are we really that lacking in empathy? Why are we perfectly willing to play as anthropomorphic rodents and shit, but put off by playing a human who isn't our exact race or gender (especially in a game like Donkey Kong where it has literally no effect on anything)? Admittedly, in the case of the Donkey Kong thing, the daughter was a little kid, but I do have to wonder if it's actually a good thing in the long run to cater to players' desire to play as someone as much like themselves as possible instead of challenging them to empathize with a character who isn't like them.

     

    Because I've been playing as straight white males for my entire life and am already more than comfortable enough empathizing with that kind of character. I don't think it's greedy of me to want to be able to play as someone like me, or to be interested in the idea of others being able to play as someone like me. Looking at my game shelf right now, I see only five* where the player is forced to play as a woman (that is to say the only playable option is a defined female protagonist as opposed to a character selection, customization option, or party member) and only one where my character can have anything even implied to be a same-sex relationship. I think the only games I've ever played where I actually got to be a lesbian were Kindness Coins and Mighty Jill Off, which is maybe thirty minutes out of my entire life.

    One of the first games I ever owned was the Gameboy Advance port of Super Mario 2. Imagine how weird it was to find out later on that I couldn't play as Peach in any of the other ones.

     

    Sorry to be rude, but I just think that "I'm a straightish white male; video games pander to me as a straightish white male; I don't want developers pandering to minorities; I think people should challenge themselves to play as someone who's not like them" is just a weird and kind of offensive bunch of statements to all be coming from the same place.

     

     

     

    *four of which are Metroid

  11. Posted

    Well, for starters I needed the money ASAP. Between what I got for my things today and what I have in my bank account, I only have about $200 to my name right now and have no immediately forseeable income. On top of that, here's how my retro game catalog broke down:

     

    SNES:

    • Super Mario World: Barely played because I own the same game on Gameboy Advance
    • Super Mario RPG: Barely played because I own the same game on Wii Virtual Console
    • Super Metroid: Barely played because I own and finished the game on Wii Virtual Console
    • The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past: Barely played because I formerly owned the game on Gameboy Advance and currently own it on Wii Virtual Console

    NES:

    • Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt: Barely played because I own the same game on Wii Virtual Console, 3DS Virtual Console, and as a Wii physical disc in the form of Super Mario All-Stars. Also I don't own a Zapper because they don't work on LCD televisions.
    • Super Mario Bros. 2: Barely played because I own the same game on Gameboy Advance and as a Wii physical disc in the form of Super Mario All-Stars
    • Super Mario Bros. 3: Barely played because I own the same game on Gameboy Advance and as a Wii physical disc in the form of Super Mario All-Stars
    • Metroid: Barely played because I own the same game on 3DS Virtual Console
    • Dr. Mario: Never actually played this except to make sure it worked
    • Startropics: Who likes Startropics?

     

    Keeping my old systems around feels redundant, because I keep replacing the games with digital versions (which actually look good on an HDTV!) or portable versions. And the ones that I don't replace are ones that I probably won't ever play again. I hate to get rid of my stuff, but it's not worth keeping around. Too bad it's so tough to get rid of the consoles themselves.

     

     

    So I can get like fifteen bucks for the Dreamcast, but I feel like that's hardly worth it. The pawn shop won't take my Xbox or PS2 since they've already got one of each in stock right now.   :getmecoat

    Maybe they'll take my PSP Go? I'm not sure if they'd accept the GP2X Wiz... but no way am I getting rid of my Nintendo handhelds.

  12. Posted

    Are you going to put the new theme on the Extras page with the other music?

     


    ...I've also been dying to have the live performances from Burnin' Down the Wolfman as standalone recordings, hint hint

     

     

     

    Ooh. I like it. Though I guess this kind of highlights the flaw in my desire to get more journalism about LGBTQ gaming, that being that there's not much to write about besides "we like Commander Shepard  and "Xbox Live is still full of homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic jerks."

  13. Posted

    Movies and NES stuff is gone, now I've got some cash at least. I hope this is enough to satiate the landlord for a bit, because I'm running out of things to sell.

  14. Posted

    Pawn shop guy wouldn't take the SNES. I got rid of all the games for it though. Next order of business is movies and NES games. I'm thinking of trying a few other consoles too. I've got a Dreamcast in storage and I only keep the PS2 around for Persona 4 at this point. And I think I could live without my Xbox.

  15. Posted

    Taking some things into the pawn shop today to try to have something to put down for rent. Saying goodbye to the Super Nintendo is harder than I thought it would be.

  17. Posted

    Good episode!

     

    In response to the idea of curated gaming journalism: I'd love to see a decent, accesible gaming interest site with more of a feminist or (especially) queer bent. In general I kind of wish that gaming news sites weren't curated for the kind of people that comment on gaming news sites. A while back I was talking with a friend who works in localization for a major publisher (I won't say who since I don't want to get them in trouble) about sex and gender in video games. I half-jokingly mentioned that I always interpreted a certain pair of female characters in a game that he had worked on as a lesbian couple*. To my surprise, he enthusiastically agreed, and said that the reason he had never mentioned it before is because with the way that gaming press works now, the response would be a blown-up Kotaku headline taking his words out of context and probably getting him fired. I choose to interpret this as a sign that we're probably going to continue to gradually drift toward the "dumb writing about games" singularity until the relationship between developers and journalists in this medium is less based less on mutual animosity, though I have no idea how to solve that problem.

     

     

    *I know, I know. Shipping is bad. I can't help it.

  18. Posted

    I'm only partway through the episode now, but while it's still fresh in my mind: You guys mentioned a hypothetical version of Bioshock Infinite that would change playstyles entirely to accommodate the narrative. Have any of you ever played Nier, the action-RPG from like 2010 that nobody cared about? It's very love-it-or-hate-it, but it does just this. There's a Diablo-styled dungeon, a text adventure dungeon, a Resident Evil dungeon (complete with weird fixed camera angles), etc.; and most of the bosses are modeled after bullet hell shooters of all things. It also kind of does the Bioshock Infinite ending by

    having an ending option where your character can choose to erase his own existence for the sake of the people he loves. If you decide to do so, it erases all of your save data.

  19. Posted

    So now they're saying I'm going to be evicted if I can't pay at least some of my rent in the next fifteen days.

     

    Things have not been good for me lately.

  20. Posted

    From experience, the most stereotypical femme thing to do is grouse about how no one reads you as queer. Good start!

     

    This is true. My only girlfriend was a girl I met in college, and it was kind of an awkward thing where I knew immediately that she was bi but she took a while to catch on that I was even gay, much less that I had a crush on her. This was before I was out of the closet and still lived with my parents, so I almost ruined it by pretending I was straight for a while when she started to really notice me. I still have no idea how I rescued that one.

  21. Posted

    So good news. I came out to my counselor, told her the whole story with all of the things that my parents and old family doctor did to me, etc. She's going to give me some help and find me a regular doctor. I also have some options for income. I'm going to go back to the emergency room and explain that the medication's not working, see if I can start seeing a psychiatrist regularly, take more time off, and get someone in my corner to say "yes, this is actually major depression and not just 'work stress' and you have to give this person medical benefits." She also gave me some local family doctors who might be accepting new people. I can also apply for employment insurance benefits temporarily.

     

    I'm mostly writing this down so I don't forget it.

     

     

    hadn't noticed you talking about the gay thing

     
    Really? Well now I'm gonna' have to go out of the way to be more fabulous.

     

    ...I was going to make some kind of joke here but I don't actually know any stereotypical femme lesbian activities that I could jokingly make reference to.

  25. Posted

    I finally got to talk with Blue Cross about getting paid for the time I've missed. I should hear back from them soon to finish everything up. Here's hoping it's easier to get financial help than it was financial help!

     

     

    By the way, sorry if I've been all up in everyone's business about the gay thing lately. I came out to my friends and family three years ago and they all either abandoned me or got really abusive. I moved to a new city last year to try to get a fresh start, but right now I'm basically in the closet in real life among the few friends that I have here. Being out on the internet makes me feel like I'm at least making some progress. This is a big part of the depression I've been feeling lately, but I haven't felt comfortable letting any doctors or Blue Cross people know about my situation. My old family doctor was pretty firmly against it and told my parents not to help me. It's been rough.